AIBU to decline my sisters hen party due to cost and childcare?

[Tairneanach]

My sister is getting married in July 2027 and due to the location it will cost us £700 in travel and accommodation to attend. There is currently a destination hen party being planned for May 2027, 5 days in Ibiza, which is going to cost around £1500 each if the MOHs estimates are correct.

Will I be unreasonable to say I won't be able to attend the hen party? Partially due to the costs, but I also have a severely disabled child and don't think 5 days away will be feasible as it will mean my partner will have to take 5 days holiday from work for me to attend.

I would hope they'd be understanding, but this is my sister's second marriage and a lot of agro was given to me for leaving her first wedding at 8pm due to my child (who was a lot younger at the time) becoming distressed due to the noise, busy environment etc and it was stated that I could just not prioritise him and celebrate my sister since its her day.

Hoping to get some advice on whether this is reasonable of me to decline, and if so what could I say to not cause any drama?

YANBU. Its so unreasonable of people getting married to put their guests in this situation. Utterly selfish.

Maybe this sort of break is the last thing OP wants - I certainly wouldn't consider it a break, sounds like a nightmare to me.

Ok course it’s not unreasonable to not attend something that is very expensive and impractical.

maybe do something separate with your sister instead - something along the lines of a spa day or theatre trip or lunch/meal out

Absolutely, and I'm sure that family savings could be put towards something more useful.

I would tell them you think they’re all bonkers but hope they have a great time without me.

Luckily I have never been involved in a hen party but I would have assumed they happened the first time round, not every time she decided to tie the knot , If the OP were to go for this 5 day extravaganza, her husband would be taking 5 days from his holiday entitlement thus possibly restricting their family holiday.
Tell her you'll go to the next, 3rd, hen party!

Could she not organise a UK trip? I think as its the second time around, costs will be cheaper (although I don't know what she did for the first wedding).

no need to give a reason, i think, unless asked. If you have a "destination hen party" you have to accept that some people won't go for many different reasons.

Just say, "no thank you, i won't be attending, have a great time. I can't wait to hear about it" and that is it. No reasons, no excuses, no lies, nothing.

The damn cheek of people to expect othes to spend that on a hen do.
They might not even still be together then anyway.

It's very sensible to tell her straightaway that you can't come to the hen do. I imagine others will be backing out later on as they realise that the £1500 estimate is not the actual cost, so you're being very responsible by not messing anyone around.

I like your idea of going out for a meal with her (or with her and some other friends) instead. That will make it clear that you do care and recognise this is a big thing for her. And of course, sounds like you've already committed to going to some trouble to attend the wedding itself. If that isn't enough for her then there's no pleasing her!

The wedding is in Cornwall and we are in Manchester so we've had to book a two night stay. She requested family stay at the venue which has probably bumped the price up quite a lot. I have no doubt it would be cheaper if we had been able to find our own hotel/airbnb. The venue accomodation is just over £500 and I've factored in £200 for fuel expenses for the return journey (though with the price of fuel at the minute that may be an optimistic price!)

Just because she has time to save doesn’t mean she has money to save! You know many people have nothing left over at the end of the month.

And if even if she could save the required amount, why should she have to spend it on someone’s hen do just to make sure they don’t have a meltdown about her not attending? It’s probably not her first choice of how to blow £1500 that she’s worked hard to save.

It’s entirely up to OP if she wants to save money for this, I’m sure she could if she wanted to. I don’t necessarily agree with hen dos abroad though as they are expensive.

I'm clearly in the minority here but its your sister, yes you would be unreasonable not to go. You've got time to save and organise things. I'd be devastated if my sister didnt come to my hen do.

How are you “sure she could” save the money? Are you aware of her monthly income and expenses?

Yes, wedding venue accommodation is always pricey. Does that mean she gets an overall discount? It's a lot to shell out.

What if your sister couldn't afford to?

Exactly. It's really very selfish of the sister.

If I had a year to save up for 5 days holiday, I wouldn’t want that holiday to be dictated to me by someone else. If it was also going to be logistically difficult and cause distress to my child I most definitely wouldn’t do it. I hate the concept of hen holidays abroad, I find it remarkably self-centred and selfish to expect a group of people to throw a load of money, time and convenience out the window to celebrate an event that in all honesty is only really important to the 2 people getting married.

i wouldn’t go in your situation OP but I would expect that this will piss your sister off, unreasonable though that may be.

It depends if that's the sort of break she wants.

For me it became a whole lot easier to be clear on saying "no" to things I didn't want to do because time became a precious resource. Spending five days of my AL with someone else's friend group following someone elses itinerary would be an enormous no, before you even get to the money factor.

And although I'm a happy advocate of dad doing his share and breaks, I thinks asking someone to use five days of annual leave is a huge ask vs giving each other a break outside of working time.

Don't let her pull your strings, if she wants you to stay at the venue then she should be paying, otherwise stay where you want.

I had a 'foreign' hen - I'm in Ireland it was in Manchester and didn't actually cost much. I fully understood that doing that would mean some people would not/ could not come.

Tell her you just can't afford to go. If you want to take her on a special day out sometime that'd be nice. My sister brought me for a full body scrub and lunch before the wedding

I think that if there is anyone who’d you’d actually be devastated if they didn’t come, you arrange an event that they are able to come to. Not something which will cost £1,500 plus 5 days of lost wages for their self employed partner. Thats a big amount of money for a family to spend on a hen do. Especially if you’re adding in the wedding where the bride is insisting family stay in the more expensive venue.

Don’t do something that is hard for someone to attend, and then pretend their attendance is important to you.

If she bitches just say you attended her first hen party, the second one isn’t really that important you’ll attend the third one in a decade or so 😂

Why are you pandering to her demands that family stay at the venue?

If it’s significantly cheaper to stay elsewhere then that’s what you should do, she’s not the boss of you. Bridezilla much?!