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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not go to a friend’s party because she still owes me money?

737 replies

SpaceMoo · 01/04/2025 09:44

They are DH’s friends really more than mine, and have borrowed money from us to help out their son buy a house. That was a year ago. She’s now having a massive 50th party and is very keen for us all to go. She’s also been on holiday (flying business class she raved to us - it was a gift apparently.) We’ve asked for the money back three times now and she said it’s so hard to take out loans and her other property didn’t sell, problems with tenants etc.

Anyway, I would prefer to cut her off and get solicitors involved. DH trusts her he said and thinks they’re just putting the house on the market and will give the money back. He sees her more often than me as they work close by. He doesn’t want to end it and thinks I’m being petty, it’s just a matter of time. In the meantime she advised us to remortgage our property (which me and DH argued about and a) I resent the arguing and b) point blank refused.

It’s time to get solicitors involved I feel. (Money amount 40k)

OP posts:
Original poster
SpaceMoo · 01/04/2025 09:49

DH also thinks if we don’t go, and start withdrawing from friendship it will be harder to get the money back. I’m worried he’s been groomed. She’s older than us, her DH is a Doctor, her son and daughter both have professional jobs, she also is in finance. I feel the whole thing was a con. We weren’t even that close as friends and have never borrowed from them.

I am so furious at DH and never agreed to lending them money in the first place. (Long story)

OP posts:
BlondeMummyto1 · 01/04/2025 09:49

You were crazy to lend someone’s child 40k. Go and ask them when they’re paying it back in front of their guests.

Boligrafo · 01/04/2025 09:50

£40k? Are you completely mad???

Whyherewego · 01/04/2025 09:53

Do you have a formal loan agreement or is it informal?
If the former, then it depends on what the terms are in the agreement? Does it specify when it will be paid back? Contact a solicitor and start enforcing the agreement.
If it's an informal loan, then you need to make sure you have something in writing that confirms it is a loan (not a gift) and that she intends to pay it back. Text messages would do but ideally email. If you don't have this then I'd agree with DH, stay on good terms until you have the documented evidence that it is a loan and that she does intend to pay back at some point and that you've asked for it back. Without this you've not a leg to stand on as she can claim it was a gift

SunsetCocktails · 01/04/2025 09:54

A fool and their money are easily parted, as they say….

Chunkilumptious · 01/04/2025 09:55

I honestly don't think it matters either way if you go in terms of clawing the money back.

It may piss you off and cause another argument with DH, seeing their lavish spending. That's one argument for staying away if you want to maintain an even keel between the two of you.

Do you have a loan agreement drawn up?

BlondeMummyto1 · 01/04/2025 09:56

Why would four professional adults need to borrow £40k from you? They must be up to their eyeballs in debt living a lifestyle they can’t afford.

Is there even a house?

ComtesseDeSpair · 01/04/2025 09:57

Surely you didn’t just hand over £40K without there being a formal agreement which sets out repayment terms and any set points at which the loan could be called in immediately?

If you did, whilst she might be being selfish here, you’ve more or less just said “pay us back when you have the money and feel like doing it.”

The friendship clearly isn’t going to survive this and any drawn out legal process you have to go through as a result, so I’d not give going to the party another thought tbh.

femfemlicious · 01/04/2025 09:58

How did you end up lending them this money?. Did you even check if they actually own properties?. Sounds really bad. You need to find out what assets they have to see if the debt is recoverable

Original poster
SpaceMoo · 01/04/2025 09:58

We were doing up our house, a massive renovation project and had sold an investment property. We got out personal loans and put kitchen on finance repayments - (at the beginning of the project) so ended up having a fair bit of money left over because we didn’t continue with some of the extension plans. Some plans like extension for downstairs wetroom, driveway and front porch didn’t happen because of timing and builder problems. We are def not flush! Had been saving up for ever and working overtime for this kitchen extension.

The money wasn’t ‘left over’, btw, we should just pay back the loans and kitchen. I hate having debt. DH thinks it’s ok.

OP posts:
Caroparo52 · 01/04/2025 09:59

Oh gosh what a nasty situation. I don't feel there's much of a hurry or intention to repay you quickly. You're being used as an interest free bank.
I would call in solicitors and be prepared for the relationship to sour. They sound cheeky fuckers. And yes your dh is being groomed to put up with it. Possibly to lend them more. ... obviously a soft touch. I would be furious. Asking you to remortgage... that's totally taking the piss op. Stop it now and show you're serious about repayment. I wouldn't go to the party

CarrieOnComplaining · 01/04/2025 09:59

FORTY THOUSAND? And she has actually suggested you re-mortgage your house at his knows what interest rate?

That is way too much to write off and unfortunately I think you need to keep up the veneer of good terms.

I cannot begin to imagine why anyone would lend this amount for a non essential, non emergency reason.

femfemlicious · 01/04/2025 10:01

What we're the terms of the loan?

Genevieva · 01/04/2025 10:01

Go to the party. Don’t take a present. Then, afterwards, write a formal letter reiterating the terms of the loan (amount, tenure, interest agreed) and say you need it paid back within a certain period of time that you deem reasonable (a month or maybe three - whatever you consider fair). If that is not met, then you will start court proceedings.

CarrieOnComplaining · 01/04/2025 10:03

If it is a loan in writing or you have evidence I would seek advice from a solicitor. On your own without DH knowledge if necessary.

I wonder what is really going on? If they had a property to sell all they had to do was wait to sell it before giving their Dc money. I wonder if there is some dodgy dealing somehow.

Chunkilumptious · 01/04/2025 10:03

So you're in debt and lent them 40 grand? And haven't even completed your planned renovations?

And do you have a loan agreement?

BlondeMummyto1 · 01/04/2025 10:04

It sounds like your relationship may not last nevermind the friendship.

pimplebum · 01/04/2025 10:05

I can only assume your DH is having an affair with her , why else would you do such an insane thing ??

why didn’t you pay back your loan or get the extension done ?
why are you in debt ?
what paperwork do you have to prove this lian ever took place
why are you not concerned ?

BodyKeepingScore · 01/04/2025 10:08

So this woman decided to help her son buy a home… despite not being able to afford to. And your DH decided that you both should be the ones funding that?
How did she propose paying you both back if she didn’t have the funds to begin with? I’d be taking legal action personally.

ChimneyPot · 01/04/2025 10:10

So basically you went into debt to lent this persons child 40k?
They are not your friend. No friend would expect or accept this unless it was for life saving treatment.

I hope you involved a solicitor when making the loan.

Gelatibon · 01/04/2025 10:10

Why on earth did you do that? I think that's relevant, because I can't think of a reason that doesn't include coercion.

NuitDeSable · 01/04/2025 10:11

There is more to this and it involves your husband being more familiar with either the wife or the husband than you realise.

I hope you get the money back but the way they are jerking you around makes me feel that it's going to be very difficult.

The other possible scenario is that if it's your husbands friends and he's the one doing all the negotiations with them is that it's all a bloody big lie and he's gambled the money away and is using them as a cover.

RedHelenB · 01/04/2025 10:12

Why on earth would you loan £40000 for a friend's son to buy a house?

Original poster
SpaceMoo · 01/04/2025 10:14

I have considered a divorce. DH is always doing this (the savings was burning a hole in his pocket!) but in the past it’s been with family who have always paid it back. No loan agreement. I didn’t event realise he would be this stupid. We have been friends with them for over two decades. They are ‘visibly rich’. Big house, two cars each, gated house. I felt silly to be questioning if they would give it back.

She asked to borrow, she does have a house we know about. We’ve seen it. She did have problems with her tenants who she couldn’t evict and has a court hearing to evict them. Then she can sell the property and give us the money back. This is all true and I believe it. Problem is it’s taken her longer to give us the money back and now we are tied into her selling this house of hers and have to hear about it, keep up with it like it all depends on this. She can afford to give us the money back without selling the house.

I don’t know if I’m being extra anxious and suspicious and DH keeps saying I don’t do risky things etc and has cornered me into feeling like I’m being petty.

OP posts:
Ohthatsabitshit · 01/04/2025 10:15

Do you have anything in writing?