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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go to a friend’s party because she still owes me money?

737 replies

SpaceMoo · 01/04/2025 09:44

They are DH’s friends really more than mine, and have borrowed money from us to help out their son buy a house. That was a year ago. She’s now having a massive 50th party and is very keen for us all to go. She’s also been on holiday (flying business class she raved to us - it was a gift apparently.) We’ve asked for the money back three times now and she said it’s so hard to take out loans and her other property didn’t sell, problems with tenants etc.

Anyway, I would prefer to cut her off and get solicitors involved. DH trusts her he said and thinks they’re just putting the house on the market and will give the money back. He sees her more often than me as they work close by. He doesn’t want to end it and thinks I’m being petty, it’s just a matter of time. In the meantime she advised us to remortgage our property (which me and DH argued about and a) I resent the arguing and b) point blank refused.

It’s time to get solicitors involved I feel. (Money amount 40k)

OP posts:
Ohthatsabitshit · 01/04/2025 11:50

She knows exactly what she is doing. Ask her for the money back by email say you need it now as you thought it was coming in last week. Do not answer the phone to her and get dh to do the same. If she doesn’t respond ask again by email (home and office). If she doesn’t respond again you know she’s stealing from you.

CarrieOnComplaining · 01/04/2025 11:51

I would not show him this thread.

You will end up arguing about posting about him on the internet and picking over the details of different posters POV.

Just use it for support and advice where it is helpful to you.

CarterBeatsTheDevil · 01/04/2025 11:56

SpaceMoo · 01/04/2025 09:44

They are DH’s friends really more than mine, and have borrowed money from us to help out their son buy a house. That was a year ago. She’s now having a massive 50th party and is very keen for us all to go. She’s also been on holiday (flying business class she raved to us - it was a gift apparently.) We’ve asked for the money back three times now and she said it’s so hard to take out loans and her other property didn’t sell, problems with tenants etc.

Anyway, I would prefer to cut her off and get solicitors involved. DH trusts her he said and thinks they’re just putting the house on the market and will give the money back. He sees her more often than me as they work close by. He doesn’t want to end it and thinks I’m being petty, it’s just a matter of time. In the meantime she advised us to remortgage our property (which me and DH argued about and a) I resent the arguing and b) point blank refused.

It’s time to get solicitors involved I feel. (Money amount 40k)

This is money that you yourselves had borrowed, and your husband then lent what wasn't used to someone else? Without any terms or security?

I think I'd leave him, and that's something I almost never say on here. I really would.

Shatteredallthetimelately · 01/04/2025 12:00

I'd be really pissed off as well.
Does her DC know it was your money that helped get them on the property ladder?

I'd be writing out a repayment agreement and telling asking her if she'd also like you to add hers DC's name to it.

Best be telling her she can pop in anytime to sign, if she's busy tell her not to worry as you can bring it on the night of the party and you can both see to it then...
Maybe get a guest to witness her signature.

If your DH doesn't want you to do this just do as he is doing to you and ignore his concerns.

Butchyrestingface · 01/04/2025 12:02

I have considered a divorce.

You're very restrained. I'd be considering a pair of cement shoes and the River Clyde.

You're not rich, yet he gave her this huge sum of money with no safeguards in place. He's also now been sleeping in the spare room for months (small wonder).

Do you think there's even an outside chance they're having an affair?

Starstruck2020 · 01/04/2025 12:04

Not sure if this has been discussed but the skeptic in me wonders if he actually did give her the money… if you’ve never had a conversation with her how do you know? It seems strange someone we’ll set up financially would borrow your money

could he have used it for something else?

Delphiniumandlupins · 01/04/2025 12:07

You need an agreement with a timescale, not "asap", "when we sell x or y", "Easter" or even "the end of April". You want an absolute date and penalties if it's not met. The absolute wtf is that you are paying interest and they are not! Maybe you can calculate for your DH how much it has cost you.

Get legal advice and something in writing, even an email. Make the point that you want to keep this business arrangement separate from your friendship (bin them, and possibly DH, when you have the money back)

Codlingmoths · 01/04/2025 12:08

I would tell dh if he isn’t more clear we need it back I will ask her son at her party when she is going to pay it back, LOUDLY.

Fruhstuck · 01/04/2025 12:14

SpaceMoo · 01/04/2025 10:50

Do you think she will break up with us to keep this money? We know all her family and know her neighbours and colleagues and some of her clients. We could be very horrible if we had to. DH thinks she’s a very honest person but she is not getting it that we WANT IT BACK ASAP!

I feel like I should text her and tell her I don’t know what arrangements she has made with DH but it was without my consent and I’d like a written legal document stipulating the loan amount and when it will be returned in its entirety.

I would write (letter or email, not text) but make it a bit less challenging than you were suggesting. Say you don’t know what arrangements she made with DH but it is worrying you a lot so you would be grateful if she could explain the full situation. Say of course you are not implying that you can’t trust them to repay the money but you have to think of your children and perhaps they were unaware that it was money you had had to borrow, so you are paying interest on it, and you need the full amount back asap, as they had promised. Give a date by which you need it all back. (You could also say you don’t really understand how it was better for you and DH to have a bank loan or whatever than for them to, but that sounds rather more attacking, though justified.)

I doubt whether she would reply that it was a gift, so at least you would have acknowledgement in writing of the debt.

You'd have to be prepared, though, for DH to be very annoyed and for it to be the end of the friendship.

LBFseBrom · 01/04/2025 12:18

Forty grand is a heck of a lot of money! From your posts, it looks as though you are friends of long standing, despite you saying otherwise.

Your husband should definitely not make big financial decisions that affect both of you, without your agreement. I'm not surprised he is in the spare room.

I would wait a bit longer and see if they get rid of tenants and sell their house.

Definitely don't bring it up at the party, that is not the right place or time. You either go to the party with good grace, putting on a face, or make some excuse and not go.

If you've heard nothing more a month afterwards, go to see them and talk seriously, lay cards on the table.

My wish for you is that you are pleasantly surprised and get your money back soon.

Daisydiary · 01/04/2025 12:20

This is just ridiculous and as others have said, sounds like a crazy April fool. So you’re now paying back loans on this money? £40k that you borrowed but didn’t use? So you’re being charged interest but without the house renovations the money was intended for? Your DH just saw the money as cashflow?! Jesus wept. I can’t believe people are so stupid. Leave him. It’s the only way.

anotherday11 · 01/04/2025 12:21

Are you sure the money went towards an actual house deposit? I say that because when my dad gifted me £100k for mine, the solicitors asked him for proof of where it came from and 6 years of bank statements showing how the balance accrued.

If there were any large cash deposits he had to provide evidence of what these were for, even for small amounts under £5k.

I find it hard to believe that a solicitor would request to see this woman’s bank statement and not question why £40k has been transferred to her, what it was for and why. They have money laundering to consider too so the £40k bank transfer would definitely have raised flags and the solicitor would likely have asked for a letter or proof from your husband stating why he gave her £40k and the word “gift” would also need to be mentioned in that letter as any mention of it being a loan, would mean that they wouldn’t accept it as funds for a deposit.

Calliopespa · 01/04/2025 12:22

Fruhstuck · 01/04/2025 12:14

I would write (letter or email, not text) but make it a bit less challenging than you were suggesting. Say you don’t know what arrangements she made with DH but it is worrying you a lot so you would be grateful if she could explain the full situation. Say of course you are not implying that you can’t trust them to repay the money but you have to think of your children and perhaps they were unaware that it was money you had had to borrow, so you are paying interest on it, and you need the full amount back asap, as they had promised. Give a date by which you need it all back. (You could also say you don’t really understand how it was better for you and DH to have a bank loan or whatever than for them to, but that sounds rather more attacking, though justified.)

I doubt whether she would reply that it was a gift, so at least you would have acknowledgement in writing of the debt.

You'd have to be prepared, though, for DH to be very annoyed and for it to be the end of the friendship.

Edited
Show quote history

I think this is a good approach op.

I also agree email is the right balance. It leaves you something on record that will be easier to set out clearly with proper paragraphs, recipient and sender addresses etc, but will raise alarm bells less than a letter ( and is actually less destroyable!)

I think stepping over DH and saying you are getting worried may be what’s needed - though personally I wouldn’t state that you do not know what arrangements were made; that’s an invitation for her to put her word against your DH, and your DH alone.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 01/04/2025 12:23

Bloody hell OP, you're never going to get that money back. Your husband is an idiot and you would be perfectly within your rights to divorce him over this. I don't think I could get over the massive breach of trust caused by him basically giving away £40k of family money without your agreement and not even getting anything in writing.

CantStopMoving · 01/04/2025 12:26

I haven’t read through all the replies but you do have evidence of the loans on text so you do have proof of it.

i would send an email stating that

’ we loaned you £40k on x date.

We envisaged this was a short term loan that would have been paid back by now. We understand you might not have the immediate liquidity to pay back the full amount immediately so propose you have it off in these instalments on these dates (then list out repayment schedule)

a reply back (assuming they don’t go what loan?!) will be acknowledgement of the loan. Be interesting to see what they say.

I presume you can take a lien out on their property so that you are paid when it is sold. You would need a solicitor though.

lesson learned. I lent a friend money but we drew up an agreement between us with repayment terms which they signed. They also paid me back as per the agreement as they aren’t a @%\€~!}{

Purplecatshopaholic · 01/04/2025 12:29

Is this for real? Your H is off the charts bonkers, sorry. I think it’s time to protect your interests - one of you has to - and get a lawyer involved. Isn’t the friendship over anyway? I wouldn’t be speaking to them again, let alone going to their party ffs.

Calliopespa · 01/04/2025 12:30

CantStopMoving · 01/04/2025 12:26

I haven’t read through all the replies but you do have evidence of the loans on text so you do have proof of it.

i would send an email stating that

’ we loaned you £40k on x date.

We envisaged this was a short term loan that would have been paid back by now. We understand you might not have the immediate liquidity to pay back the full amount immediately so propose you have it off in these instalments on these dates (then list out repayment schedule)

a reply back (assuming they don’t go what loan?!) will be acknowledgement of the loan. Be interesting to see what they say.

I presume you can take a lien out on their property so that you are paid when it is sold. You would need a solicitor though.

lesson learned. I lent a friend money but we drew up an agreement between us with repayment terms which they signed. They also paid me back as per the agreement as they aren’t a @%\€~!}{

… or even ask HER to set out repayment schedule in the first instance op. You can always reply and say it isn’t fast enough but the key thing is to get her concession that repayments are in contemplation. I would do whatever makes it easiest for her to agree to that concept. Putting a repayment schedule she can’t meet might scare her off.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 01/04/2025 12:30

You're dreaming if you think your getting this money back if you've no evidence other than a bank transaction.

Calliopespa · 01/04/2025 12:32

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 01/04/2025 12:30

You're dreaming if you think your getting this money back if you've no evidence other than a bank transaction.

Thats why we are trying to help op at working on getting the evidence.

She does have texts but I’m not sure of the exact content.

She needs the woman to admit she took the funds by way of loan.

Fruitytutti223 · 01/04/2025 12:32

Risky things have rewards. This was downright stupidity. I’m sorry op. Your DP is an idiot.

Richiewoo · 01/04/2025 12:32

40k to someone who your not close too. You didn't agree to it. I'd be divorcing your husband.

Calliopespa · 01/04/2025 12:33

Just for clarification op, has DH actually confirmed to you it was loan not gift?

CantStopMoving · 01/04/2025 12:34

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 01/04/2025 12:30

You're dreaming if you think your getting this money back if you've no evidence other than a bank transaction.

Why? There are texts acknowledging the loan I believe and people generally don’t go around gifting money to friends (unless you are in the labour government !). I don’t think evidence of the loan is in question. Getting it back though is another matter.

judge Judy would sort this out ….

WhatICallMyUsername · 01/04/2025 12:38

I started reading this thread at 12.10 and after the first few posts I thought surely I’ll get to the end and OP will be haha April Fool!!

it makes you wonder how much of her lavish lifestyle has been funded by her conning other friends out of their money in her status as a financial adviser! Does she have some sort of hold over him to blackmail him with OP?!

Shade17 · 01/04/2025 12:38

Are you sure she’s not blackmailing your DH? Could they have had an affair?