To not go to a friend’s party because she still owes me money?

[SpaceMoo]

They are DH’s friends really more than mine, and have borrowed money from us to help out their son buy a house. That was a year ago. She’s now having a massive 50th party and is very keen for us all to go. She’s also been on holiday (flying business class she raved to us - it was a gift apparently.) We’ve asked for the money back three times now and she said it’s so hard to take out loans and her other property didn’t sell, problems with tenants etc.

Anyway, I would prefer to cut her off and get solicitors involved. DH trusts her he said and thinks they’re just putting the house on the market and will give the money back. He sees her more often than me as they work close by. He doesn’t want to end it and thinks I’m being petty, it’s just a matter of time. In the meantime she advised us to remortgage our property (which me and DH argued about and a) I resent the arguing and b) point blank refused.

It’s time to get solicitors involved I feel. (Money amount 40k)

I went to my friend’s exhibition thing last night and how lovely and authentically genuine it all felt. The people, the vibe. No anxiety beforehand. Amazing.
Made me realise I can’t even pretend anymore that I like this CF or to wish her happy birthday.

DH is pretending he’s with me. Not sure he realises that I resent every single argument I’ve ever had about the money CF owed us.

I even bought a dress from Karen Millen. Oh well, will wear it some other time.

Whyyyy is he letting this meff come between you like this?
I'm glad you're not going. Life's too short. You have people like the friend you saw last night, and they're worth your precious time.

I should probably go into the gift box and remove the earrings and replace them with some maltesers.

Hahaha! So good! Just two maltesers.

I find your marriage dynamic so strange.
This woman is clearly more important to your husband than his marriage.
I really wish you would get some counselling to see that it is only a matter of time before he betrays you again.

He is an odious creep whose insecurity has risked his own family finances.

Your poor children.
I suspect he is some type of narcissist or has a severe personality disorder because he clearly has zero loyalty to you or his children.

It is only a matter of time before he betrays his family again.

Agree. Odious creep! Will counselling help?
It feels too late.

I’m a therapist and although there is no guarantee it will help, it could hopefully be a space where he can reflect with someone objective and realise his behaviour is really concerning. Is he just an unbelievable people pleaser and that’s why he have the money? Or does he want people to think he is rich as that’s important to him? Counselling could help work this out and hopefully change his behaviour.

Ok. This is Mumsnet where everyone gives radical advice to posters but dont have to live with the consequences if the póster follows it.

The loan business to your (ex) friend is certainly serious and she certainly has an undeserved credibility as far as your husband is concerned, but people like her can be very convincing. I thought it was very telling that it was her husband who quickly dealt with the situation when he found out.

HOWEVER, It's your marriage and your family and if this is the only ocasión that you have had a major disagreement, I would go for the idea of councelling. Breaking up a marriage with children involved is a big deal and not to be taken lightly, and definitly not because of advice on Mumsnet!

This is very considered and rational advice.

What she actualy said was everyone's advice is shite, except for mine. 😂😂😂

After 35 years of marriage I am someone who would be inclined to try to work things out.

However, risking the family finances and being disloyal are deal breakers.

The OP has had a horrendous year of worry over this.
Marriage and loyalty go hand in hand.
He has been spectacularly disloyal to his wife and children.

Denying this fact will not help the OP.

In the long loving marriage that I have, and being financially very comfortable and debt free, I would be furious to find my husband was giving our money to some grifter.

Even more so if it was money that was needed for debts.
This is not normal behaviour and that is why I would tell the OP to protect herself and be very wary of her husband whom appears in the thrall of a grifter.

He is no longer trustworthy IMO.

I take it he went to the party? Are you ok OP?

Hmmm, is your husband having an affair with her?

How did the party go? Did your DH get taken in by anyone else’s son stories?

Yes. DH taken in again. He came back very sad we weren’t all there because CF’s DH got up and made a speech about our family being very good friends of their family for a long time- and helping them. They mentioned one other friend - despite there being quite a big group of people. They mentioned us by name (I saw the video DH recorded).
His speech was very good, stood by his wife and said everyone knows her family means everything to her and she would do anything for her children.

I might be misinterpreting that, looking into it more suspiciously, but seemed to me to be
a: universal of all women
b: suggesting that whatever CF does in the name of her own children (taking our 40k as a loan) is understandable - and even commendable?

Maybe it was just a speech.

CF has sent a message to DH thanking for coming to the party and for her gift. She thanks me too in her message.

We got the money back. Trust is broken. DH seems down and upset that I have put a wedge between him and his CF.

I wish the update felt more like a win.

A part of me feels like did we lose them as friends by playing it wrong? That speech kind of rattled me. Was she really going to take the money and not give it back? (Yes she did! No contract or written agreement to secure that we would get the money back.)

DH should never have got involved financially and a “No” to lending our money would have been better.

It’s not a big loss as we barely saw them, but I do feel a little ‘petty’. Oh well.
(I only say this here on MN, but in RL I am bold and sticking to my guns!)

OP you did the right thing.

The CF like anyone in finance knows you should never do anything without a contract. She'd ask you to sign one had you been the ones to borrow money.

Whether or not she did or didn't intend to repay is by the by, the point is she knew she didn't have to repay and could very easily have claimed it was a gift.

You nor your DH will lose anything from dropping this family. They were never friends, none of these people have friends just people who are useful to them who don't expect anything but the odd party and some flattery in return.

Don't doubt yourself, it was only words, not actions after they were pushed to do something. Oh and expect to be tapped up again if you remain in contact. They will want a similar no contract deal if they do

Ah OP I understand your disappointment. You may have regained your money, but you have lost a lot of regard for your husband, and that must really, really hurt.

If she had stolen the money from you in a dastardly untraceable crime and you couldn't get it back BUT he had never agreed to any of it and had been as horrified as you from the outset (or more as she's his friend), that would be enraging, but a lot less dispiriting. As it is, you have the money, but that confidence in your husband must feel pretty unrecoverable. And you can't even go to the police about it.

Oh and file her dh speech under "spin". It's trying to apologise without making himself or his own family look bad. Not very convincing, since in important ways, they are bad.

... in other words, he is rewriting the story to read that "The lovely lovely Moos put themselves out very considerably out of the true deep feeling and regard you hold the CF family in, aren't you wonderful wonderful people".

Makes it hard to come back and say "well actually we didn't do it out of the goodness of our hearts, in fact..."

"What! You are saying you aren't kind and lovely??"

Crafty eh?

I bet he worked on the speech for AGES. I just hope your DH wasn't flattered, but 😬😬😬

It was the CFs 50th Birthday and her husband was bound to say nice things about her, so as far as the speech goes, you are overthinking it. They may have had some terrible arguments about it once it came to light for him. You don't know. Him mentioning you both and another friend was a nice thing to do and probably his way of apologising in a round about way to you and your DH

The trust in your DH has been broken, though, he is still wanting to be friends with the CF and I am not surprised you are feeling so down. You have the money back, but you are still stuck with a DH problem

What a pair of slimeballs. CF husband clearly getting ahead of any possible stories that might emerge and doing damage control. Fuck them both.

Bloody hell, but that absolutely screams damage control.
Chillingly so.
I wonder has shit gone down before with her.
Because there is no way it would be normal to have singled you out like that, you are simply not that close.

Sounds to me as if the husband is well aware you are not dumb as muck like your husband clearly is, and that you have the potential to cause them serious problems over her unethical professional behaviour.

Please don't doubt yourself.
His aim is to make you doubt yourself.
You have had a year of stress over this grifter.

Hold your nerve, you were not wrong at all.

Protect yourself from your husband, he is of low intelligence, a danger to your family and clearly hasn't the brains he was born with that he has allowed himself to be taken in, used and put his own family at risk.

The worst thing you could do is doubt yourself over what has occurred.

A 40k unsecured interest free loan for a year breaches all types of professional ethics.

Whatever was the truth of this, her husband rushed into damage control mode.

You not being there has probably spooked them.

She should be reported and you really need to rethink your marriage to this deeply dumb disloyal man.

No wonder it doesn't feel like a win.
You remain married to an idiot.

Call me cynical but I agree with this.
They has no intention of paying you back and you forced them to.

they were caught out and now they are trying to make you look the mad one in that “we borrowed, of course we paid her back’ god knows why she’s not happy…”

your DH needs to wake up, YOU didn’t break this, HE DID, CF did

dont blink on this. Don’t flinch or waver.

I wonder if they know about this thread and are terrified of what this can lead to. Maybe your husband showed it to them.

I expect the timing of your husband going over there, being not long before the big party, may have helped in getting your money (without interest!) back - as slimeballs one and two would not want to risk word getting out at the party.