To not go to a friend’s party because she still owes me money?

[SpaceMoo]

They are DH’s friends really more than mine, and have borrowed money from us to help out their son buy a house. That was a year ago. She’s now having a massive 50th party and is very keen for us all to go. She’s also been on holiday (flying business class she raved to us - it was a gift apparently.) We’ve asked for the money back three times now and she said it’s so hard to take out loans and her other property didn’t sell, problems with tenants etc.

Anyway, I would prefer to cut her off and get solicitors involved. DH trusts her he said and thinks they’re just putting the house on the market and will give the money back. He sees her more often than me as they work close by. He doesn’t want to end it and thinks I’m being petty, it’s just a matter of time. In the meantime she advised us to remortgage our property (which me and DH argued about and a) I resent the arguing and b) point blank refused.

It’s time to get solicitors involved I feel. (Money amount 40k)

Yup was a mistake to lend.

But as your DH is the closer friend and as he wants to not fall out I think you have no choice. If they fall out and you can’t get the money, it’ll all be your “ fault.”

No:( except the bank transaction.

And fwiw I think he’s right. People find it easier to disappoint and mistreat people they are not on good terms with.

Its why “The Script” of men having affairs reads as it does. Create tension so if feels less bad to cheat.

Can you arrange for her to start paying the money back monthly, so you have enough to make your own debt payments, while she sells the property?

Since he lent the money without telling you, presumably he won’t mind you getting the solicitors involved without telling him! You need to get legal help FAST.

This story is so bizarre if it’s not an April Fool, I have no clue as to why someone would basically hand over 40k to a wealthy family.
I wouldn’t go the party.
I would divorce my DH for being so underhand.
And start again.

What did your husband say to convince you to loan this much. It's a huge amount. You could be getting £1.5 k interest a year on it, and you have debts too. I find it bizarrre that you would lend somebody this much money. If they have an extra house extra I find it bizarre that they don't have savings of their own. And no written agreement. Even with family I'd have a contract and agreed pay back schedule. It's very strange.

Will a text message do?

You have a DH problem. That he’s lent that amount of money without even discussing with you is the issue here.

Agreed. And if she won’t agree to that, find what she will agree to and PUT IT IN WRITING. Even if you aren’t thrilled with the terms she will agree to, you at least need something in writing to evidence that she owes you. It needn’t be a falling out. Just say you want a “plan” in place, let her specify what she feels she can manage, and get her signature. At this point that is the important bit and I’d be inclined to agree to something lenient just to get her on paper.

I think it’s ultimatum time with your DH - he gets the money back in the next 6 weeks or it’s divorce. He needs to understand that what he has done is effectively take your family into debt so he can gift this other family £40k. You’re not getting the money back, the reason why there’s no loan agreement is because your husband never intended it to be a loan. He’s gifted this money in order to stay friends with people he admires. Are there any cultural factors in play here OP?

Why an earth did you hand over 40k with no written agreement?! This won’t stand in court!

You need to get her to admit over text that she owes you this money to have some leg to stand on.

It’s better than nothing. But I’d attempt a document by asking her to put “ her” plan for repayment in writing.

You have a DH problem...and a naivety problem.

OP, definitely definitely keep the relationship with this couple sweet until you get the money back.

OMG I thought you were gonna say she owed you £100 not 40K! 😵
I would be getting solicitors involved 100%. My friend had something similar happen to her but with 2k. She publicly outed her so called friend on social media and she returned the money straight away. Maybe worth a thought!

This.

If she is in that level of debt then her job in finance will be in jeopardy.

Get to a solicitors now.

What proof do you have that you lent the money? I mean that it was a loan not a gift?

I feel this.I know. He has been sleeping in spare room since January. We have two kids and he’s normally great.

He’s made a mistake op. Don’t make it bigger than that if he’s normally great.

But from this point he follows your plan ( bearing in mind he’s right about not falling out with her).

No formal agreement?! OMG OP what was your DH thinking? And is your dept accruing interest in this time? If so you are in effect paying the interest on her loan.
you need to get something in writing to show that it was a loan and not a gift, and her agreeing to payment terms if possible. Until that is done I wouldn’t cut her out just yet and would keep playing nice.

id also be keeping a close eye on yours and DHs finances to see if he has loaned money to anyone else- and possible start putting money aside in an account of your own if you don’t already have one as he seems to have form to lend people money without your agreeement

A text message?! For a £40k loan?!

Jesus fucking wept.

Go to the party and make a toast asking for the money back.
You have a massive DH problem

Sorry to post this on April fools. Party is in two weeks and I honestly can’t be bothered to get her a gift! She thinks everything is great btw. Has sent messages asking for photos of us to do a presentation of her friends and family.

Now, I ask here because could I be wrong? She is continuing the friendship like everything is okay. Has asked us out for dinner on several occasions. DH has said I’m busy.

I want someone to say I’m wrong. DH said I’ll have to apologise when she does give the money back, for all this chaos and drama.

No advice, but this was the exact plot of a Curb Your Enthusiasm episode.

I think you should see a solicitor, on your own, and see what they have to say about the whole situation and lay out your options. They will be able to see things without any of the emotional involvement of marriage and friendship.