To not go to a friend’s party because she still owes me money?

[SpaceMoo]

They are DH’s friends really more than mine, and have borrowed money from us to help out their son buy a house. That was a year ago. She’s now having a massive 50th party and is very keen for us all to go. She’s also been on holiday (flying business class she raved to us - it was a gift apparently.) We’ve asked for the money back three times now and she said it’s so hard to take out loans and her other property didn’t sell, problems with tenants etc.

Anyway, I would prefer to cut her off and get solicitors involved. DH trusts her he said and thinks they’re just putting the house on the market and will give the money back. He sees her more often than me as they work close by. He doesn’t want to end it and thinks I’m being petty, it’s just a matter of time. In the meantime she advised us to remortgage our property (which me and DH argued about and a) I resent the arguing and b) point blank refused.

It’s time to get solicitors involved I feel. (Money amount 40k)

I agree with the top two paragraphs. Third maybe less so, but having things in writing is important - even just to ensure you are actuslly envisaging the same arrangement, let alone being able to enforce it. Sometimes people skirt round money issues out of awkwardness and end up envisaging a different arrangement from each other.

If that's the case then get something in writing from a solicitor for her to sign to say she will do this. Her reaction will tell you everything you need to know.

She's trying to drive a wedge between you and your husband. Are you sure there isn't something else going on with them?

Get legal advice before you do anything else.

Without any agreement could she not say it was a gift?

I think this is a divorcable matter I’m afraid… he doesn’t respect you!

I think you need to keep her sweet. He goes to the party and you are “ill” don’t force yourself to be fake. He needs to try and get that money back soonest.

Why is she and your husband encouraging that you remortgage?

I think 1 text message would not suffice unless it was pretty detailed. I am not a lawyer ... but as far as I understand there needs to be sufficient evidence that it was a loan and that the recipient understood that it was a loan and there was some mechanism set out for paying it back ie not just "whenever the recipient felt like it".
If you have all this into a text you've at least 1 leg to stand on. But so contact a solicitor and see what they think

Do you think she will break up with us to keep this money? We know all her family and know her neighbours and colleagues and some of her clients. We could be very horrible if we had to. DH thinks she’s a very honest person but she is not getting it that we WANT IT BACK ASAP!

I feel like I should text her and tell her I don’t know what arrangements she has made with DH but it was without my consent and I’d like a written legal document stipulating the loan amount and when it will be returned in its entirety.

It's definitely too late to ask for a loan agreement and she's under zero obligation to sign it.
I'd personally play nicely until you get sufficient evidence that a solicitor agrees means you'd have a case that could be taken to court. Not that I'm saying get that far but you want to know you've got a firm footing

She could. It’s worth staying friendly to get something in writing op as if you get that you are in a stronger position.

I don’t think this is a case of her mistaking it as a gift; you aren’t family. I don’t think she will even try to argue that unless and until things turn feral.

But I’d try to get something in writing ahead of her party: she may feel pressured to “ clear things up” ahead of it and might be more keen to shut you up and settle you down.

I’d record her.

That's a crazy amount of money to lend with no legal framework to define a regular payback of that loan. I also question why her son needed that loan. If they can't get a loan through the proper avenues then it usually means they are a high risk loan with a poor credit rating.

As for the point in hand and the party: I personally would be reluctant to fall out with friend as seeing as their is no legal framework for repayment she could just walk away from any knowledge of your loan altogether, although she seems to be doing that anyway.

Yes, I feel like I should get written agreement from her BEFORE I go to the party. Or take it to the party for her to sign in a corner.

I would probably do this. What have you got to lose? Apart from the £40k which you might lose anyway without anything in writing. I'd also be making plans to 'lose' your useless husband, as well.

Sorry signature was paraphrasing.

It was absolute insanity to loan her 40K with no legal agreement! If it was without your consent, I'd be seeking a divorce and getting legal advice. Your husband has shown a complete disregard for your financial stability as a family, this would be unforgivable to me.

I think that, in light of this, and the fact that you do not have any legal paperwork, I would not fall out with them now. They could simply tell a court that it was a gift or that they won it in a card game and it’s your word against theirs. The legal system requires proof in order to act.
You need them to feel morally obligated to pay it back and too embarrassed to let you down.
My parents made a similar (more expensive) mistake and never saw their money repaid.
You’re not being petty but however frustrating this is, all that matters now is getting your money back and they hold more cards than you do.

What a horrible post

I would be concerned that £40k was transferred without the other bank doing anti-money laundering checks - are you sure your DH hasn’t done any declarations saying that it’s a gift not a loan ?
if they were using the money to help with a property purchase they definitely would have had to declare it.

I wonder how many of their other friends have secretly been persuaded to ''lend'' them large sums of cash?

Her son had a divorce needed to move out, he has two kids so wanted to live close by. We know them all, had been to weddings and they’d been to our events and parties. During the renovation they had the problems and apologised they couldn’t help us (we didn’t ask them to, we didn’t need them to)

and told us the problem their son was having buying a place asap. He was living with his ex and had to move out. They got DH on his own to ask for the money for a very short period. The son divorce kids story is all legit and true, I have bumped into him too and the son has thanked us for helping him.

Could the son of your friend actually be your husbands?

Be careful OP. Cornered people tend to lash out and people who are deceitful will always deceive.
She works in Finance so well knows that without an agreement it's hard to enforce. You're not in a great position if all you have is a text message.
Maybe write her an email saying "dear CF, I know that you're waiting on the house sale before paying us back the £40k, but unfortunately we are in a sticky situation as we cannot afford our remortgage/loan (insert reason you are poor ) and so I'm really sorry to do this but can we get at least some of it back sooner? We are really in a pickle here"

Be nice, ham up the impact on you and see what she writes back. This then gives you ideally the acknowledgement that she owes you and when she's intending on paying it back. Bear in mind that a civil court case like this is not quick and won't be resolved before April anyway.
So you've no short term gain in antagonising her and by being nice you hopefully get a stronger position for when/if she doesn't pay back in April.

They are continuing the friendship as normal because they are fake people using friends for a lifestyle they can’t afford.

They could have sold two of their four cars
Not went on the business class holiday
Not planned a lavish party…
Paid monthly amounts to get the balance down instead…

If there is ANY fallout over asking cor your own money back then they are not real friends. You have two kids to think about above all else.

You don’t think it’s foolish to lend 40k without signing anything, no?

Would you mind lending me 50k, if I promise to pay you back sooner or later or never?

I agree with you that you should go the legal route.Take her to court and go to the party.