To not go to a friend’s party because she still owes me money?

[SpaceMoo]

They are DH’s friends really more than mine, and have borrowed money from us to help out their son buy a house. That was a year ago. She’s now having a massive 50th party and is very keen for us all to go. She’s also been on holiday (flying business class she raved to us - it was a gift apparently.) We’ve asked for the money back three times now and she said it’s so hard to take out loans and her other property didn’t sell, problems with tenants etc.

Anyway, I would prefer to cut her off and get solicitors involved. DH trusts her he said and thinks they’re just putting the house on the market and will give the money back. He sees her more often than me as they work close by. He doesn’t want to end it and thinks I’m being petty, it’s just a matter of time. In the meantime she advised us to remortgage our property (which me and DH argued about and a) I resent the arguing and b) point blank refused.

It’s time to get solicitors involved I feel. (Money amount 40k)

I think this is highly likely too!

Oh no, OP, do not feel sad and petty!!

This is how people like that do things. They play with emotions. Her DH knew exactly what he was doing with that speech.

That stark fact is, it almost doesn't matter if she had every intention of giving it back. That's not the point. (Well, it kind of is and it isn't.) The point is she's a professional financial adviser yet took £40k off a man who she surely knows is a bit of a soft touch, with zero paperwork, zero commitment to pay you interest (therefore you lost out) and she was stringing you along with her woeful mismanagement of rental property story as well.

You are NOT in the wrong, those are huge, huge red flags!

If one were being cynical, one might almost think the DH's speech was aimed at softening your husband up so they can tap him for cash in future. You do have all of your finances needing a double signature, right?

OP: It’s not a big loss as we barely saw them, but I do feel a little ‘petty’. Oh well.
(I only say this here on MN, but in RL I am bold and sticking to my guns!)

IMO it's impossible to be petty over £40,000!! I dropped a much closer friend over much smaller amounts than this, because it was her attitude to me over money & goods that I couldn't accept or ignore.

I do understand the internal backlash when you win after a hard fight, though. You were fully justified, you won & if the friendship is over that's because of her CFness & your DH's weakness/gullibility.

What's the situation like now @SpaceMoo ?

It’s been really really lovely! Maybe it’s the sunshine, or feeling a little debt free, drama free. We are all okay.
I think not going to the party has put me in some dominant position. Also DS has A level exams coming up this week so I have been laying low - in a sort of bubble. Been out with friends for lunch, been shopping just randomly - nothing major just plants and things, but it felt so good like a cloud of debt, stress and resentment has been lifted. I’ve also not spoken to her yet. DH has not seen her much, he’s not avoiding her but their friendship has really died. Funny that 😉

I just can’t stress with anything atm as I don’t want any more arguments while DS is studying and family is peaceful - but I have not forgotten that DH put me through this shit. DH is very quiet and being extra helpful around the home. He’s pushed to buy youngest DS an iPad (he was using an old one for his school TTRS, spelling shed etc) and said he was feeling so bad when the battery kept dying after 10 minutes and wouldn’t charge and he had to keep twisting the charger in 😂 I personally wasn’t that bothered as it always had enough charge to do school stuff and then DS isn’t on it much! Win win! But this was DH’s little things he swore he’d do if we got the money back. He must have been more scared that we were not getting the money back than he admitted?

You are amazing.
Enjoy the peace.
But never forget.
You are far too good for your husband.
Please never trust him again.
I know thats harsh, but don't.

YOU got that money back, not him.
HE was prepared to devastate the family finances for his ego and pure stupidity.

Never forget this.

You are a great woman. Well done.

"Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me"....words I live by.

Did he grow up poor op, this is something in his head, the need to be the big man to show off or to make up for some perceived inadequacy. Any normal person with decent self worth just wouldn't have done it. My dad was a little bit like that but that was low level so buying everyone a drink in the pub, wanting to be liked.

Well done getting the money back but really count yourself lucky at then end of the day you borrowing money and basically lying about what the money was to be spent on is fraud a lot of people borrowed money and said it was for home improvements and then bought a harlequin property with the money financial advisors told them to do this and then harlequin went bust as it was a ponzi scheme and the serious fraud office couldnt help a lot of the people beacause they had lied also the financial compensation scheme at that time had a limit of £50.000 so many people lost a lot of money be careful who you trust especially financial advisors

Enjoy your weekend @SpaceMoo !!

Next for you is dealing with your dh and whether you can get some trust back. Because he clearly has shattered everything with his behaviour.

And I think he knows that.
He knows he didn’t need you to say ‘I’m not going’ fir him to tell CF ‘nope sorry but we won’t attend the party’
He knows ge fucked up. You not going has reinforced that.
So he is in his best behaviour, guilty etc….
But do you think that’s enough? Not saying it is or it isn’t. Just wondering what it looks like for you to rebuild the trust you had with your dh re putting you and your family together first. Knowing CF sounds manipulative as hell and it might simply all come down to him not being able to 1- spot the manipulation and 2- resist it.

@AngelRoja Was the accent over the "o" in poster intentional? 🤔

Glad you have a sense of humour, btw. 😊

Didn't notice that. The autocorrect on my keyboard defaults to spanish as I live in Spain. However I stand by what I said. It is too easy to give radical advice on Mumsnet or any other social media as the posters (with no accent. Lol) do not have to live with the consecuences of their advice being taken.

"Consequences" 🤣