To think my mum should keep her disappointment to herself

[spiralstair]

Just found out we're having a boy and we're very exited so told my mum and she sounded visibly disappointed saying I imagined you to have a daughter, she then went on to say there's something very special about having a daughter and a mum/daughter bond maybe you'll get one next time.
She now keeps saying every time the baby is mentioned how strange it feels that I'm having a boy and that she keeps picturing a girl.

Then the last straw is how she keeps looking at all the lovely dresses in the shops and has to drag herself away reminding herself it's a boy.
She's really taken the shine off this pregnancy and I'm starting to feel really angry and avoid the subject.
I have told her I'm exited to be having a boy, I'm wondering if she's trying to relive having me through my baby or why is she finding it so strange that my baby is a little boy.

Yanbu. Tell her - “mum it’s making me really upset when you talk about me having a boy instead of a girl, looking at dresses and so on. Please can you stop.”

I'd be furious and incredibly hurt, in equal measure. Her behaviour is completely unacceptable and I would tell her so. I would tell her she's doing a fine job of ruining, what should be, the happiest time of your life. I would then distance myself for the foreseeable.

Does your mum have a son? Maybe if she’s only had girls herself she can’t imagine that you can have the same bond with a boy. I wish you all the best with your pregnancy, boys are awesome xxx

She should shut the fuck up, does she not want to see her gs or future gc’s? Because that’s the way she’s going.

I absolutely hate all this nonsense. I have one of each and they are equally wonderful and loved. The mother/daughter bond? I know loads of women with very difficult relationships with their mums. My son and I have a very strong bond. We couldn't actually be any closer than we are. We're so alike (more so than my daughter and I). This is all based on assumptions and sexist ideas.

Your mum sounds toxic as hell. When the baby arrives she’ll be all over it and tell you how to do everything.

This is a classic example of parents projecting through their children and maybe she is nostalgic and thought she’d have another little you to relive those days but she’s also being super rude and inconsiderate.

I'd give her one short, sharp talking to covering how she needs to stop this silliness right now. Leave her in no doubt how annoyed and upset you are. She sounds as though she'll be a drama queen throughout your pregnancy and when baby is here so lay out your expectations of her behaviour now.

Nip this in the bud now before she does any more damage to your relationship with her

I'm very close to her and have come to accept her honestly in that she has always spoken her mind, even admired that as she definitely wears her heart on her sleeve so she isn't trying to cause any offence but this is very upsetting, I wonder how she'll be with him when he's here obviously I'm hoping she'll see him and fall in love and feel different.

The irony of discussing mother:daughter relationships whilst simultaneously destroying her relationship with her daughter 🙄

Tell her bluntly

'Mum you keep going on about how special the mother daughter bond is, but you're absolutely destroying any bond we have by saying these things about my baby. I'm happy to be having a boy, I'm excited for my little boy, if you can't be happy and excited for me perhaps we should see less of eachother as this is making me feel bad about my pregnancy.'

See how much the mother daughter bond really means to her 🙄

Edit to add: congratulations! The mother son bond is magical too so ignore your silly mum

Tell her to stop. Once your son is here, I’d be very careful of her around him. It sounds like she’s has some weird old fashioned ideas, based on harmful stereotypes about what boys and girls are like. Keep that sort of well away from him, boys not having good bonds with their mum can become a self fulfilling prophecy if they are brought up with gender nonsense.

Well there isn’t much going on for her own “mother / daughter bond” and she has proven it isn’t that special after all since she spoke to you so horribly.

Yanbu

If she doesn’t shut up about it then I would be restricting visits with baby. No child should be made to feel shit for something that’s out of their control like their sex. Baby boys are fab and a massive blessing. Congratulations OP.

Stop making excuses for her. People like her aren't to be admired, they are often rude and speak without any filter. As she is doing now. I would honestly tell her if she dares mention this again she wouldn't be seeing you and her GC. Do you realise because you are keeping quiet, it's encouraging her to be more vocal. Imagine your baby right here (which your dc is) and she is doing this?

I bet she’ll be whining when your son gets old enough to think for himself and chooses not to visit his bitter old grandma!

How does someone 'sound' visibly disappointed?

I'd have to ask her:

If she cares so much about the mother-daughter bond, why is she damaging her bond with you by not accepting your son?

Sons are awesome. Wishing you all the best with your pregnancy! 😊

You need to tell her that’s enough, please stop going on about it. If you don’t tell her nicely now, you may end up losing it and telling her in a much less pleasant way.

Definitely YANBU
I had this with my MIL
She didn’t have a girl, just my dh and wanted girls
Our first was a boy, she didn’t bother seeing him until we went there. No card. Nothing but at the time I didn’t know why

Then second pregnancy twins and when dh phoned her to say she had two new grandsons her reply was “ I wanted girls”! and she got quite upset and angry on the phone.

She didn’t bother with birthday presents or Christmas or anything. We bought stuff for her to give and she couldn’t even be bothered to wrap them up.

It was all really very upsetting but then coming out of a tea room one day with all the boys a lady stopped me and said “ how sad you can’t make girls”! 😳

Its a disgusting attitude!

I wonder if she'll always feel like this or if just a surprise but I was looking forward to shopping with her and looking at all the things and now I don't want to even talk about it.

Well at least she’s honest I guess. 🤷‍♀️

It doesn't stop with ILs unfortunately.

I got no end of comments at work where there was a palpable pity pause, followed by a stream of "consolation" that it's better to have a boy because girls are bitches.

I always thought I would have daughters, and it took me a minute to get my head around the fact I wasn't going to. I have 2 sons and can't imagine I would love them any more or less had they been girls. She had a thought, she was wrong, she's recalibrating. Give her some time to process the new reality.

Just read your update which is very worrying.

I bet that you get along because you’ve been trained to accept her cruel words. If you called her out then things would be very different. People like your mum who “wear their heart on their sleeve” are usually the quickly offended when people act the same towards them.

I know that you are going to ignore this because you’re in denial but people your mum will cause damage to your child and as a mum, you should be protecting your innocent child and not allowing anyone to treat your child this way. Babies might not understand the words straight away but one day they understand and it’s shitty for them to have to hear this. Are you going to train your baby to accept nastiness from your mum too? If you wouldn’t accept a stranger bullying your son then you shouldn’t allow you or mum to either.