To think my mum should keep her disappointment to herself

[spiralstair]

Just found out we're having a boy and we're very exited so told my mum and she sounded visibly disappointed saying I imagined you to have a daughter, she then went on to say there's something very special about having a daughter and a mum/daughter bond maybe you'll get one next time.
She now keeps saying every time the baby is mentioned how strange it feels that I'm having a boy and that she keeps picturing a girl.

Then the last straw is how she keeps looking at all the lovely dresses in the shops and has to drag herself away reminding herself it's a boy.
She's really taken the shine off this pregnancy and I'm starting to feel really angry and avoid the subject.
I have told her I'm exited to be having a boy, I'm wondering if she's trying to relive having me through my baby or why is she finding it so strange that my baby is a little boy.

Find someone, who is delighted for you, and share those moments with them. Forget trying to get them with your mum for now, it’s not going to happen. Maybe a cousin, sibling etc….. maybe your mum will realise she’s missing out and being silly, maybe not. But don’t let it taint your enjoyment of your pregnancy. Boys are wonderful, your mum will see that when he arrives!

My In-laws are delighted for us it my mum who can't hide her feelings.

You need to tell her to stop. It's totally unfair on the baby. Whatever thoughts she has should be kept to herself. I hate all this obsession with the sex of a new baby, I'm pregnant now and have been surprised with other people always asking about the sex first rather than how I am or how the baby is. Any child is special and a blessing, and the connection/relationship you have doesn't have to be dictated by their sex.

Your mum should have kept that thought to herself.

It's her. It's most certainly not you.

What a shame there is apparently a cultural 'disappointment' in recent years with boy children. How sad. My boy is the most darling, loving child and the most precious thing in my world. I can't even imagine being disappointed in him for any reason, let alone his sec which is written into every cell of his DNA and is part of the substance of who he is.

The gendered nonsense is another thing entirely and your 'disappointed' mum's habit of looking at dresses sounds like a symptom of this. How does she know you'd dress a daughter up in these outfits even if you had one?

There was a variation on this theme on this site recently and it was frankly nauseating. I'm sure some people view children as dolls rather than people.

Suggest to your mother that she'd be just as happy with one of those creepy reborn dolls if she wants to dress her grandchild up as an accessory.

I'm sorry, OP. You must be so hurt.

So true.

Boys are wonderful!

You talk about her honesty, her speaking her mind and her wearing her heart on her sleeve like these are good qualities. Sorry but I don't these these are traits to be admired if she can be so breathtakingly insensitive, saying such hurtful things about your unborn son to you with absolutely no regards to your feelings. I'd be so upset if my mum behaved like this.
I'm sure she'll grow to love him once he's here but she'll constantly be pestering you for a granddaughter. I've seen it happen before. Nip it in the bud now.

My MIL is lovely don't get me wrong but when we had our last baby she was very vocal about the fact she wanted them to be a boy, she had 3 GC already all girls and she really wanted a boy as the last, we're all done having babies now.

anyway we went to the gender scan and I bought a boy card and a girl card, and the plan was to give her the correct card for what we were having and glue a scan picture inside. It turned out to be a girl and although I was so happy and so was my partner I somehow felt guilty that we didn't give MIL what she wanted.

crazy I know, and I actually felt so awkward giving her the card I actually told her the name at 16 weeks as a sort of consolation prize for not having a boy. I know it's ridiculous to have felt that way but she was so vocal about wanting a boy that I actually felt bad I didn't deliver pardon the pun 😂

I'm not close to my mum. I'm very close to my sons. So I think your mum is talking rubbish. It's also so ridiculous because all sorts of things can happen in pregnancy and beyond. Whether it's a boy or a girl doesn't matter.

I'm gravitating towards my mil, she's been amazing support, I am an only child and don't intend on having any more for financial reasons and because I'm already late 30s and this pregnancy hasn't been easy going so that made her "maybe you'll get a girl next time" comment even more difficult to swallow.

This sounds incredibly hurtful OP and I think you should tell her how much she is upsetting you. Then if she continues I think you need to avoid her until she can overcome this stupidity. I gave birth to my first child, a boy, last year, and he is just the best little guy who I adore. Congratulations on your pregnancy and getting to meet your little boy soon!

This is really awful. What a horrible woman.

The minute the baby comes she will be in love with him.Many if not most have a preference- she s just not good at hiding it.

Wow! I can’t believe you are so calm about it OP. I’d be so bloody angry I honestly think I’d have to create some distance. How dare she.

My mother in law, when I told her I was having a boy, said she’d have preferred another girl. She already had 2 granddaughters (one ours, one from her other son) and had only had sons herself! I was desperately hurt but you know what? She ended up being closest to my son out of all of her grandchildren. She absolutely doted on him from the moment he was born and their bond was just gorgeous. She died unexpectedly when he was 4 and he still misses her, ten years on.

"It was all really very upsetting but then coming out of a tea room one day with all the boys a lady stopped me and said “ how sad you can’t make girls”!"

It's the fathers who can't "make girls", isn't it?

However, getting back to the point: OP, you're making excuses for your mother behaving appallingly. You need to tell her to STFU - because she's ruining your enjoyment of your pregnancy and if not told, might just ruin your experience of motherhood.

Ignore her, absolute nonsense, I think Im closest to one of my boys really although I love them all the same, we just talk most.

I think she'll totally fall in love with him when he's born. Some people struggle with relating to what they haven't got personal experience of.
Maybe your mum is like mine - a genuinely lovely person, but with no filter or tact! Dont burn your bridges by going off the deep end just yet when a more gentle but direct conversation could make her stop and think a bit.
FWIW I have 3 adult sons and 1 dd and I am as close to my boys as I am to my girl. It's about their personalities, not their sex.

It’s very upsetting. My mum swore with disgust when she found out I was having a third son. She was, however, the most loving and amazing grandmother and my sons adored her.

OP, I would have said that there won’t be any more probably, so knock it off now.m as you’re spoiling my pregnancy.

I suspected I would face this with DS2 from PIL and I got in first, about how it didn’t matter either way, and no child of mine would be a disappointment. I think they understood what I was driving at and no comments were made. MIL has always gone on about how sad she is not having a daughter. I won’t tolerate comments like that - they’re completely unacceptable.

I'm sure you know what OP meant

Be brutally frank. ‘Mum, I do not give a shiny shite about your own feelings about sons, especially as you appear to be quite happy to wreck your relationship with your daughter. Zip it, or stay away.’

My SILs were like this. I knew it would be my only pregnancy and was unbothered what sex the baby was, but they kept hugging me weeping and saying ‘You're being so BRAVE’, as though my unborn baby had an extra head rather than XY chromosomes. Because they’re older and had their children very young, I’d been unaware that they’d both persevered through several boys each to ‘get their girl’ because of various ill-considered Pink, Special Shopping And Spa Bond Mini-Me ideas.

Ask her how she thinks she is making you feel.
you will have a wonderful bond with your boy BTW. Congratulations 🥰

Ironic she’s close to you apparently whilst literally saying one of the most offensive things I could imagine you could say to your child?

Tell her to nip it in the bud, or if she can’t help herself just steer clear a bit until baby boy is here. If she’s doing it when he’s actually born then you’ve got a larger issue as I’d hate for my child growing up hearing what a disappointment he is.

I had the opposite, my mum was terribly jealous that I was having a boy and told me all about how sad she was that I was a girl. Some people never learn when to keep their mouths shut.

Tell her that if she keeps it up, she won't be meeting him.