To think my mum should keep her disappointment to herself

[spiralstair]

Just found out we're having a boy and we're very exited so told my mum and she sounded visibly disappointed saying I imagined you to have a daughter, she then went on to say there's something very special about having a daughter and a mum/daughter bond maybe you'll get one next time.
She now keeps saying every time the baby is mentioned how strange it feels that I'm having a boy and that she keeps picturing a girl.

Then the last straw is how she keeps looking at all the lovely dresses in the shops and has to drag herself away reminding herself it's a boy.
She's really taken the shine off this pregnancy and I'm starting to feel really angry and avoid the subject.
I have told her I'm exited to be having a boy, I'm wondering if she's trying to relive having me through my baby or why is she finding it so strange that my baby is a little boy.

Well, in the case of my girl-obsessed SILs in a similar situation, it was the teary eyes, offers of tissues and endless supportive hand-patting as they told me repeatedly how ‘brave’ I was to be dealing so stoically with the terrible disappointment that my only child would be a boy.

I don’t think they ever believed the truth, which was that I wasn’t at all bothered, and having been a terrible disappointment to my own mother, who wanted a ‘bubbly’ home-focused SAHM to many children and instead got a cerebral careerist who got married in jeans with two witnesses on her lunch break and had one child by choice, I’m aware of how limiting parental ideas about gender can be.

Of course your mum should keep quiet .

She isn’t though and as you become a mum yourself you may find that you take issue with how she parents you yourself more often . Trust your instincts and protect yourself and your own little one

Enjoy your pregnancy and lean on MIL and of course your DH if you need to .

@gleefulstar perfectly put!

OP, I'm experiencing the same with my mum but because I'm expecting a second DD. She won't stop offering me condolences that I'm missing out on having one of each (and she'd much have preferred my first to be a boy too).

Her go-to now is saying that I absolutely must have another, which is the furthest thing from my mind after conceiving through expensive fertility treatment and having a horrendous first trimester.

Honestly, it's making me want to avoid talking to her at all. So big sympathies from me, and congratulations!!!

My mum was like that and when my son was born she fell head over heels in love with him. Still pissed me off when I was pregnant though!

I'm not sure what your AIBU is but I think you might be being unreasonable to be so upset by this. You Mum is being thoughtless and a bit weird but I couldn't get wound up about it if I were you. The fact it's effecting how you feel about the pregnancy seems extreme. I also think the posters who claim they would be furious etc are being over the top.
I'd call my Mum out on it and tell her not to be so rude but it's not something I'd give any headspace too. Posters on Mumsnet always seem to get angry about shit that doesn't matter. It must be tiresome.

Unless there is a whole backstory. (Which there probably is seeing as this is Mumsnet)

That's awful! Hope you told her it's the father who determines the sex! Not you.

Your mum is being a twat. Don't worry. It's not you, it's her.

She sounds awful.

OP, you need to stop making excuses for this kind of behaviour. Admiring her for 'wearing her heart on her sleeve' and talking about how she just can't help it. Bullshit. Of course she can help it. She just isn't bothering to curtail her rudeness because she doesn't want to. She can think what she likes and be as disappointed as she likes but how dare she vocalise these feelings?! She is a rude and nasty woman, and she is ruining what should be a wonderful, exciting time in your life. Stop rolling over and quietly accepting her behaviour. Tell her how you feel.

Something like " You need to stop the way you're behaving right now because it's ruining what should be a wonderful, exciting time for me. I was looking forward to going baby shopping together but now it's the last thing I want to do with you. Since I've told you our news, all you've done is show your disappointment by pointing out cute dresses, making comments etc etc and I've had enough. It's making me really upset. And it's making me worry about what your relationship will be like with our son when he's born. I need a break away from you until you can stop being so negative about my pregnancy. It's not being honest, it's being hurtful and rude"

If you don't have to courage to say it to her face, write it in a letter or text message.

I’m sure your mum knows how cruel she is being to you. How horrible to have such a mother. Reduce contact and call on your PIL instead. Especially when your boy has arrived. I bet your mum will change her tune when she realises how much she’s missing out and your PIL are getting all the cuddles. Congratulations!

“The way you’re going mother, you’re never going to meet him. Ever. So it’s moot.”

😂

I feel your pain, my MIL genuinely said out loud to the whole table when we told them we were expecting a girl, 'OH NOOO'.

As a mother of 4 boys herself I thought she might be excited for a little girl to join the family but apparently not...

People are batshit around babies, don't let it get to you. It's not a reflection on you, it's absolutely a reflection on them. Definitely say something to her though as she is probably so wrapped up in herself she hasn't realised how harmful her words are to you.

Congratulations and good luck Mama! 💞

Tell her to fuck off. I hate that bullshit about girls being close to their mothers and boys cant be. My son told me yesterday, that he doesnt know where i end and he starts because we are so close. Its about how you parent, not what sex they are.

My mum is exactly the same, despite my ds being the second born to his older sister. Just yesterday we were in John Lewis, baby boy is just turned one, we obviously love him absolutely to pieces and could never imagine anything other than this gorgeous little boy, and she’s still looking at girls dresses in the baby section. My relationship with my mum is already complicated and strained so it’s just adds to it unfortunately. Not advice I’m afraid but here’s a hand hold.

As an only child to a very close mother who was very close to her mother I can imagine her feeling that she wanted you to have the same relationship that she got with you.

I know my grandma told my Mum when I was born that she was pleased I was a girl because then my Mum would have me there for her in the same way they had had.

Your DM needs to hear from you how upsetting you are finding her comments - she’s lost in centering her own feelings about this and hasn’t realized how upset you are with her words.

Im sure she will love your little boy when he’s here.

I am from a family of girls and my dad has asked for a grandson since our 20s. My partner is from a family of boys and my mil has been quite open in that she only wanted boys

When I found out I was having a daughter my dad said. " Another girl brilliant, we're good with girls" and he was super happy for a girl he would have been super happy with a boy. He's had enough girls to know we all have different personalities and are different people none all with a mix of girly and boy like behaviours. Just like most girls just like most boys are a mix of stereotype boy and soft and gentle and everything in between.

My mil has said she wasn't sure how she would be with a granddaughter mostly because it was outside of her experiences but she is utterly in love.

Children are so much than their sex. They are beautiful mixes of personalities hopefully your mother will see this but I would definitely be stopping any conversation around the disappointment. Tell her to sort herself out and when she is ready to celebrate your pregnancy and your baby you will be there.

I think she needs a dose of YOU speaking your mind, OP.

Tell her how upsetting it is for her to keep going on about it. How she's ruining an incredibly happy time for you and that you are leaning on others who are happy for you instead of her, as a consequence. Tell her you're unsure that you will have another child. Tell her to STOP!

I love people who speak their minds but their opinions are not special or more important than anyone else's and they need telling if they are out of order. She is causing her pregnant daughter distress - stop making excuses for her and tell her to pack it in.

As an aside - boys are amazing and love their Mummys so ❤I guess she wouldn't know that though, if she's never had one.

Your mum sounds inconsiderate and rude, not to mention selfish. It’s not about her. It’s not even about you. It’s about a lovely new baby who is somehow already being labelled by your mum as a disappointment without having even left the womb! If I were you I’d tell her to can it, and that “speaking her mind” is a super immature excuse for infantile behaviour, time to grow up grandma.

Keep repeating

These are your feelings not mine mum. I'm thrilled to have an boy

OMG why are some mothers such bitches?

She sounds like a whinger, just ignore her and don’t bother taking the baby round. Let her do the running to have a relationship with him now

Sounds really hard. I'd just be honest along the lines of

"We are having a boy, nothing can change that. Please stop putting your gender ideals on us as it is stressing me out. It makes me not want to share my pregnancy with you. You will not be getting another chance to experience this again. Either be excited for me or don't say anything at all"

My first was a girl, it was expected. Both sides of the family for the last two generations has always been a girl followed by a boy. However there was the "oh no not another girl" followed by "yes another girl to join our gang" once everyone got their head around it. When DS came along everyone was like "oooo been a while since we had one of those" but were pleased either way.

This a trillion per cent. Do you usually do what she suggests? Is this the first time you can't do that as it's out of your hands?

If you were close she wouldn't be being such a massive arse and you'd be able to say to her straight away stop that and she would reflect and say yes you are right sorry.