To think my mum should keep her disappointment to herself

[spiralstair]

Just found out we're having a boy and we're very exited so told my mum and she sounded visibly disappointed saying I imagined you to have a daughter, she then went on to say there's something very special about having a daughter and a mum/daughter bond maybe you'll get one next time.
She now keeps saying every time the baby is mentioned how strange it feels that I'm having a boy and that she keeps picturing a girl.

Then the last straw is how she keeps looking at all the lovely dresses in the shops and has to drag herself away reminding herself it's a boy.
She's really taken the shine off this pregnancy and I'm starting to feel really angry and avoid the subject.
I have told her I'm exited to be having a boy, I'm wondering if she's trying to relive having me through my baby or why is she finding it so strange that my baby is a little boy.

Just have a google of enmeshment, she doesn't see you as a separate person i don't think.

My mum had a similar reaction when I was pregnant. She explained that she wanted me to experience the bond that we shared together and felt that mothers and daughters were just different eventhough she loved all her children equally. I told her I actually couldn't picture myself with a girl and that my son would be my only child. She was disappointed but never mentioned it again. Don't let the reaction ruin what's a wonderful exciting time for you. Congrats and best of luck ❤️

Tell her how much her attitude is upsetting you. If she carries on then I'd probably start spending less time with her and make sure she knows why.

My mum had two girls herself, thought girls were wonderful, couldn't imagine having a boy, until her first grandchild was a boy and she was completely besotted from the moment he was born.

It could just be that your mum knows how to relate to a girl and feels out of her depth with a boy. Once he's actually here she may realise just how wonderful boys are

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

That also sounds horribly enmeshed, That is not what children are for.

This!!

Id tell her to pack it in. This baby is his own person and she's being really weird about it and it's like she wants to ruin your experience.
Theres something special about the mother child bond, not the mother daughter bond.

Say to her "never mind mum. You never know he might be a little boy that lives wearing dresses!"

Goodness she'd be confused then!

What are they for?

Sounds horrible for you but I do wonder how common it is. When you read the threads of women desperately hoping their baby is a girl often with replies from others saying they are so glad they have 2 girls and would have been really disappointed with a boy, I do sometimes wonder how they will feel if their daughters only have boys in the future. I think a lot of them just imagine and assume that of course their girls will also have girls.

Im sure your mum will change her mind once he is here but I think you need a direct chat with her. If it’s ruining your experience then it’s not okay.

I wondered if you were an only child. Your mum parented a dd, her parenting is centred on you. She's never parented a boy but now through you will get the experience of being a grandparent to a boy. She may have felt more at ease with a baby girl just because that is what she knows or wanted you to have had what she did but I'm sure that will change once your son arrives.

My dsis is only going to have 2 children due to health reasons, first is a boy as is the child she is currently having. My mum acknowledged that she did feel a twinge at the thought of her never having a dd (mum has 3 dds and 1 ds) but that everything happens for the best. Unlike your mum she wouldn't keep saying it though.

Speak to your mum, tell her you are excited and that she is raining on your parade. Make it clear that this is hurtful, you don't appreciate it and would like her to stop. Wishing you a happy, healthy pregnancy.

I wonder about this too.

There’s a couple of frankly demented posters who endlessly post about how lucky they feel to only have daughters, how they ‘just don’t know why anyone would want a son, I would’ve been so disappointed’… I mean the likelihood is they’ll end up with at least one grandson if not more.

Will they tell their daughters they feel sorry for them? And ruin their ‘amazing girly relationship’ over it?

You say you admire her honestly and straight talking so what's stopping you doing the same OP?

Mum you are taking the shine off what should be a special and happy time for me. I'm very happy about my baby boy and If you can't keep your rude comments to yourself, I won't involve you anymore.

Ime ‘I wear my heart on my sleeve’ is sadly a poor excuse for ‘I say what I like and don’t care who it hurts’

This was my Mum!

Tried for our first for 3 years so when I finally got pregnant I was ecstatic, had a scan and found out we were having a boy then when I rang my Mum and told her the first thing she said was "oh no not a boy, I was so sure it was going to be a girl"! I was so upset I put the phone down on her and we didn't speak for 2 weeks.

She eventually apologised and said she had always imagined me with a girl (I'm one of 2 girls) and she was just surprised, once he was here she loved him and said how nice it was having a boy after she had two girls. 5 years later I had a girl but I know deep down my son is her favourite!

Unresolved issues of their own

She will fall in love with him when she sees him! In my culture having a boy is seen as vital and you're praised and if you have a girl there's always someone who says 'oh it doesn't matter, you can try for a boy next time'. My grandma kept saying this on the phone but now my daughter is her favourite person as its just been ingrained in her that sons are important to have but she's learning :) your mum is not the same ofc but what I'm trying to say is she'll love your baby ❤️

Please don't listen to the crazies on here advising you to sever the relationship with your mother over this lol. Sex disappointment is real and many mothers get it about their own unborn children and family members get it also. My sister got it when I told her I was having a boy. She also felt it when she found out she was having her second boy (hardly any girls in the family) but she got over if and loves and adores her boys and my sons. In 5 years when your mum is best mates with her grandson you'll be laughing and teasing her about this.

Do you speak your mind around her the same way @spiralstair ? A close relationship for me is a balanced one so when she says those hurtful comments are you able to say “ouch that’s hurtful” or are you just supposed to swallow things for a calmer life?

Big hug OP - hurtful - but at least MIL is very happy

Slightly different but when we adopted our DS everyone in our "group" wanted at least one girl - when our social worker asked us if we had a preference I can remember saying "a boy or a girl please, not a giraffe" - when we said we would take a child up to 6 years of age she looked like she would combust - up to 6 and we didn't mind a boy ....

We ended up with our beautiful DS , then 4.5 and utterly gorgeous and amazing. We were told that if he had got to 5 and not been adopted they probably would have been it - foster homes only - still makes me well up thinking about that scenario

BOYS ARE AWESOME

My FIL has 5 granddaughters, ours is the youngster. He was outwardly disappointed when he found out we were having a girl, I was raging as was my husband. So bloody rude!

Congratulations OP!! My first is a boy and we have such a close bond he's my lovely little buddy.

I always get lovely comments about him from old ladies in supermarkets because he's so polite, cheerful and sensible (unlike bloody feral DD who is cute but an utter handful).

I would stay away and when she asks why tell her how much she's upsetting you. I've got 2 boys and a girl and they're all brilliant in different ways. Congratulations on your little boy 😊

Yes I’d tell her she’s overstepping. She’s also talking crap . You have the same bon with your children no matter what. Does the “special bond” between mother a daughter not apply to your own relationship then? Because being so nasty to her own daughter doesn’t bode well!

Ffs. Don't be so damn pedantic.
Why does it matter?

Boys are amazing. I've got some a strong bond with my son.