To think my mum should keep her disappointment to herself

[spiralstair]

Just found out we're having a boy and we're very exited so told my mum and she sounded visibly disappointed saying I imagined you to have a daughter, she then went on to say there's something very special about having a daughter and a mum/daughter bond maybe you'll get one next time.
She now keeps saying every time the baby is mentioned how strange it feels that I'm having a boy and that she keeps picturing a girl.

Then the last straw is how she keeps looking at all the lovely dresses in the shops and has to drag herself away reminding herself it's a boy.
She's really taken the shine off this pregnancy and I'm starting to feel really angry and avoid the subject.
I have told her I'm exited to be having a boy, I'm wondering if she's trying to relive having me through my baby or why is she finding it so strange that my baby is a little boy.

I'm so sorry that she has ruined your excitement. How mean of her 😔 When your baby comes he will be so special and loved nobody will care what gender he is 🥰

@spiralstair - your mum isn’t speaking her mind or wearing her heart on her sleeve, she’s making this moment, your moment as you guys start your new family, all about her. It’s beyond selfish and certainly sets a precedent for how she might try to act as a grandmother. Just…bear it in mind that this isn’t supportive mum behaviour and make sure you have your boundaries in place when she decides to speak her mind on your decisions on how you raise your little boy.

Congrats, by the way! Girl or boy, this is amazing news for you 😊

Well it might sound like that but it was actually very wonderful to experience.

I was also very close to my Dad and we had this very nurturing triangle of mutual support - I didn’t realise other families didn’t work like that and was a little worried about how it would work if I got married but the triangle just expanded and my DH just added to the family.

Mumsnet has been eye opening to me re some family dynamics and has made me very grateful and appreciative for my DPs - who I used to think were a bit boring when I was a teenager because they were so content.

Your family sound v intense indeed.

First of all, congratulations on your wonderful news.

Secondly, tell your mum that until she can come to term with her bitter disappointment, you will be unavailable. You shouldn't have to listen to this nonsense. When sitting with DH, he can inform her that she'll be welcome back when she's prepared to welcome your little man.

In any case, baby is on his way. WTF is anyone supposed to do about it?

The mother/son bond is so special and beautiful. It doesn't get enough press.

That's what I was thinking!

OP, tell her if she doesn't shut up she'll destroy the mother:daughter bond she's unnaturally obsessed with - if she hasn't already.

Your mother needs mental health care, she doesn’t sound right. Try not to take it personally. Great news re your pregnancy.

YANBU, but I doubt she'd have told you she was disappointed to your face if she only found out the baby was a boy at birth. I don't understand sharing that news before birth, don't understand gender reveal parties etc, but it's different strikes for different folks I guess.

Aw that Is rotten. I don’t know why it’s so common for boys to be treated like second best. When I found out I was having boys both times I had ppl say aw r u disappointed? No fs. I’m happy !

OP it sounds like before this you were close to your mum. If she is the type of person who speaks her mind then you should also feel bold enough to speak your mind to her and tell her how upset this has made you and how this has ruined a lot of the lovely moments you were looking forward to sharing with her. It would be a real shame OP if you didn’t tell her this, please don’t stew on it, the worst she can do is have a bad reaction but I think she really needs to hear this from you.

I couldn't imagine saying this to my adult child.

Go shopping with your MIL and if your Mum complains,tell her the reason.

Let her learn to appreciate YOUR honesty, too.

Tell her how upsetting you find it - she might not realise, just idly thinking out loud, and possibly not even particularly caring that much either way!

She isn’t trying to cause any offence. I’d hate to hear what she says when is trying to cause an offence!!

Speaking as the mother of two sons, and the grandmother of five girls: tell your mum firmly that she doesn’t know what she’s talking about, that she’s rude, making your pregnancy miserable, and that she needs to wind her neck in.

Even if you’re right (you’re not) that she’s just ‘wearing her heart on her sleeve’ she needs to understand her behaviour is inappropriate and purely selfish.

@spiralstair

If you accept and ‘admire’ her honesty, why can’t you be just an honest back to her about your feelings?

Your mother is either seriously socially inept, insensitive, childish or just selfish. It's almost coming across like she wants you to comfort her for this disappointment that you have laid on her shoulders.

That’s such a shame OP. She’s working through her disappointment at the loss of her fantasy granddaughter, especially as it sounds like this is her only chance of one. Tell her to keep her disappointment to herself or you’ll stop sharing your pregnancy with her.

I promise you, when she has a real live grandson she will love him to bits.

Congratulations, enjoy your pregnancy and your mum will end up being a doting grandmother to your baby.

My DM was 'gutted' when her third healthy GS was born.
My brother's first. I have two boys.

Congratulations! I’m sure your mum will fall in love and feel different when she meets your baby. Sons are great. I have one who is wonderful.

i think some PPs are being too harsh in saying distance yourself or don’t see her. But she is being thoughtless and she does need to know how you feel. If she didn’t consider you after that, then it might be time to see less of her. But even then she’d probably act differently once the baby is here.

I know this is a bit naughty - but I’d be going on and on about how amazing your MIL is. How supportive she’s been through your pregnancy. How much you like her. What a great mum she’s been to your DH. And on and on. Give your mother a taste of “heart on sleeve”.

Congratulations on your wonderful news.
You have every right to be hurt and angry. It is very important that you have a frank short conversation with your mum and tell her how hurt you are. If she doesn't change her attitude, you need to make clear that you will be distancing yourself. This time is for you and your partner to enjoy; it's irrelevant what sex the baby is. Wonderful news, take care of yourself

My DGM was like this. Really irritated me.

she’s now besotted with our first born DD and loves them all but has a special place for DD

OK I’m going to go against the grain here. Threads about a mumsnetter’s parent behaving in a less than desirable way tend to attract an avalanche of outraged comments and this one is no exception. OP has been instructed to tell her mother to get lost, informed she’s been groomed to accept monstrous behaviour , that her mother is mentally ill. Time and again on mumsnet when people don’t behave as an OP would like they are told to distance / cut ties. Life has to be about accommodation and understanding others. I’m not advocating putting up with abuse but I wonder if those with more moderate views on family dynamics and conflicts select themselves out of these kinds of thread, resulting in a more antagonistic tone.