To think my mum should keep her disappointment to herself

[spiralstair]

Just found out we're having a boy and we're very exited so told my mum and she sounded visibly disappointed saying I imagined you to have a daughter, she then went on to say there's something very special about having a daughter and a mum/daughter bond maybe you'll get one next time.
She now keeps saying every time the baby is mentioned how strange it feels that I'm having a boy and that she keeps picturing a girl.

Then the last straw is how she keeps looking at all the lovely dresses in the shops and has to drag herself away reminding herself it's a boy.
She's really taken the shine off this pregnancy and I'm starting to feel really angry and avoid the subject.
I have told her I'm exited to be having a boy, I'm wondering if she's trying to relive having me through my baby or why is she finding it so strange that my baby is a little boy.

Buy her a newborn girl doll and tell her she can dress it up to her hearts content, and when she grows up, she can try and build a relationship with her grandson

She sounds like a nightmare and I hope your own mother was around to support you.

My mum had seven grandchildren all boys.
She was hard work at times but she loved all the boys equally.
Im sure she occasionally passed the pink aisle in Asda with thoughts of what if, but tbh she was a cheeky ruff and tumbler and the boys all adored her.
She didn’t get on with my MIL at all, no surprises there then.

Absolutely, people get disappointed over their own preference. So many people said to me 'oh I hope you have a girl/boy' and it's so annoying. It's like if you dont then they'll automatically be disappointed. By waiting to tell others the gender until the baby is here nobody cares , they just want baby cuddles 🥰

I don’t have any advice. My Mom doesn’t care about my baby, never mind what gender it is. I’ll admit, I struggle with pregnancy and family related issues when the issues are relating to someone being overbearing or caring too much. Maybe that can help put your situation into perspective, maybe not. Your Mom caring is better than the nothing I have from mine. That being said I understand that her reaction is frustrating and upsetting but I guess she can’t help how she feels. It’ll probably all blow over soon.

Anyway, I’m surprised at the comments here. So many bossy and harsh responses. People demanding you to tell her what they want you to say… A lot of these replies aren’t supportive or helpful. I guess the topic has made a lot of people feel angry.

My first mil said ‘oh you haven’t have you’ when told I had a girl (no gender scan) - when she saw her she fell madly in love though. So much she remained the overt favourite (a different issue sigh). This mil had 2 further granddaughters within a year and no more - she was clear about her disappointment each time - she had had 3 lads and was old fashioned in believing boys were best. However she worshipped all the girls still (if not their mums lol).
I’m making light of it but it’s over 30 years later and so quite irrelevant now, but it is so hurtful at the time - you love your baby so much and to criticise for gender is well, no words. Do believe she will change when she’s here - try not to let her take the shine away now if you can. My own parents didn’t have much to do with any of the kids when young but that all came out in the wash peaceably too - again that’s time, do just enjoy your child and be sad they’re missing out/spoiling it for themselves.

My mum didn't know my third daughter was a girl until the birth because I was so sick of her putting her values about boys and girls on my pregnancy. Ultimately it's her who will miss out.

She won't always feel that way , when she meets her first grandchild all that will go out of the window , but I would just tell her that she has made you extremely uncomfortable in talking about anything baby related due to her rather loud expressions of disappointment, and it has taken the shine off your excitement, as it is something you wanted to closely share with her , but now feel that you can't, put it in a message so she has that to mull over , she may surprise you and apologise and start to get excited , my mum bought a dress for my 2nd pregnancy it turned out it was another boy and she said we'll save that dress for next time , no.5 was a girl haha don't be me lol , I have been in your situation and I told my mum and she was fine , she loves all of her grandchildren equally. You could also be over sensitive due to the pregnancy, but only you know how you feel and how she is coming across. Congratulations boys are mums best friend just as much as girls if not more 🥰

Ahh this sounds very upsetting. Without knowing more, and assuming you & her are usually close & have a great relationship. It sounds to me like she is reminiscing about her experience with yourself and imagined the same for you. Which obviously you can absolutely still have whether it’s a boy or a girl. I’m guessing she isn’t doing it out of malice, and is completely unaware of her behaviour & how it is affecting you. It is so hard growing up and realising you won’t be having anymore children & reliving that amazing experience again, it can cause a lot of feelings that can cloud judgement & rationale.

If it were me, and I was usually close to my mum & this was happening. I would sit down and have a heart to heart with her about it and let her know that whilst you love and appreciate her, that her recent behaviour is causing you a lot of upset & ask her to try and see it from your point of view.

I hope that you manage to sort this out between you & can enjoy the rest of your journey into motherhood & her grandmotherhood moving forwards xxx

Boys are awesome! Congratulations! 🥂
I was only having the one and thought well I’m PG I won’t be lucky enough to get what I want but I was. And get this - I wanted a BOY and wouldn’t change it for the world.
Ignore your mum, your mil sounds like a dream tho ☺️
and your mum can dream on can’t she. You can distance yourself from her any time you choose and at this rate it seems she might be sabotaging her blessing of becoming a grandparent to a wonderful child. More fool her.

• just to add tho I did do the dresses thing like your mum then was like, oh no! No I can’t, aawwwugh 😳🫣

By having a boy, you have most likely broken a cycle of dysfunctional mother-daughter relationships.

If it’s any consolation, when I found out I was pregnant with twins (aged 33, completely financially stable, just they weren’t planned), my mum told me I’d ruined my life!! She soon came round (when I made it clear she could either be pleasant or zip it!) And, big shock, they didn’t ruin my life. They made it more beautiful than I ever could have imagined! Enjoy your little boy when he arrives x

YANBU. My mum put a total dampener on my pregnancy, if I said I felt tired, poorly etc she rolled eyes and snapped at me, kept saying oh I really hope it’s not a boy…, it was a boy and even now he’s 6 there are comments about how hard work he is, girls don’t behave this way etc. the ultimate insult is her fussing over other peoples babies in shops, she was never that interested in mine. My mum is a narcissist tho and it’s always about her. I have an amazing bond with my boy and I don’t think she likes how close we are- I never want him to feel this way about me

Congratulations OP - what an adventure awaits! I have two sons and we literally could not be closer now that they are 18 and 20. It’s been amazing all the way - they have been the most loving, cuddliest, funniest little people and still are now that they are young men. The other day my youngest and I went to a spa, had lunch and shared wine then went shopping - we chatted and laughed all day long! It’s absolute nonsense that closeness is linked to gender and the ridiculous stereotypes people have about girls in pink ballet dresses and boys playing football are outdated, limiting and destructive. A baby is a person, not an accessory! I would be deeply hurt by your mum’s immature and sexist attitude and don’t think you should hold back on telling her exactly how you feel. If you’re as close as you say, she will soon realise that she’s crossed a line and cut it out. Enjoy your beautiful boy!

When I fell pregnant it was a total shock, I'd been told in my teens (and repeatedly after that) that I would never have a child. I genuinely thought I had a little girl in there. Gender scan comes round and, let's just say, baby showed very clearly that he was a boy lol.
My mothers response to the news "oh that's wonderful, you're having the son I should have had"
Now, this wasn't news to me, she has told me and my sister she wanted boys our entire lives. When my sister then went on to have a son also she got the exact same response.
We have both told her how hurtful this comment was and have both had to remind her several times that we are their mums not her.
Parental comments about your child are the most hurtful, imo because they are the people meant to love us the most. These comments cut deep because you can easily read between the lines, or in my case, see it plainly, that your own gender is wrong. Or, in your case, that you 'failed' them.
My advice? Remind mother dearest that it's the man who determines gender so she can direct that disappointment at the father. I'd also tell her that if she can't control her mouth then you can do that for her by removing yourself from being in earshot of it.
Much love and good luck sweetie! My son is my greatest achievement in life! I haven't been able to have another and never will, health and age reasons. Xx

I telephoned my mother about 10 inutes after my third child was born. What did she say "Oh no not another boy" he was our third. I was so upset I can tell you.

I'd be concerned if you have a daughter in the future how differently she is going to treat them ! Tell her bluntly she's ruining your pregnancy it's not her baby so why does she care what you have . I have 5 boys and we opted not to find the gender out with them but the constant oh I hope it's a girl or you must want a girl really wore thin very quickly , we honestly didn't give a shit

Jesus some of the responses on here are bloody awful!!!
OP has avery close relationship with her mum so all these ‘I would say xyz nasty messages’ are just awful!!!

OPs mum NEVER said she wouldn’t love a grandson or that she doesn’t want a boy, she merely said that when she pictured her daughter with a baby she pictured a little girl (as most of my friends did because I am very girlie and not really a boy mum at all 🤣).

I have 2 girls and a boy and yes I too had to pull away from the pretty dresses which are freaking ADORABLE and remind myself I’m having a boy which is less nice to shop for because the selection is far less in comparison but I did find some really gorgeous outfits which helped with excitement lol

You said yourself your mum wears her heart on her sleeve and is fairly unfiltered and someone commented ‘that’s just an excuse and what rude people say to excuse their behaviour’
I would be mortified if someone said that about me, but I know they do because I do take a while to process things and I do process out loud sometimes. I’m not rude, I’m autistic apparently (at 34!, who knew!). Your mum envisioned a little girl and it’s hard to process it’s a boy and therefore that vision will not be reality. Give her time and just have a little chat telling her sometimes it upsets you and you’d love to hear her be more excited about your son’.
She’ll be mortified because chances are she doesn’t even realise she’s doing it.

And that’s ok, maybe she’s neurodivergent too and just needs a little prompt because she’s missed your social cues.

Congratulations on your little boy! ♥️

I can guarantee your mom will fall in love with that little boy the moment she sees him. She probably already does love him. Maybe she is disappointed she can’t buy the dresses, she probably just had that strong urge that you’d have a girl and she pictured you having that lovely close bond thag you and her have. Just be honest and say “come on mom, enough is enough. I know you hoped I was having a girl but your kinda making me feel a bit shit by keep going on about a girl and it hurts”. I bet she’ll be an amazing nanny when the time comes

I'm sure she'll love the baby too but she could still continue with her nonsense. I know several grandmas with similar ideas. They loved their grandsons but still kept saying "Can you give me a pink one next? When are you going to have my granddaughter? You really need to experience a daughter" etc etc. A couple of my friends went on to have second boys and the grandmas were equally disappointed the second time! It's important that OP nips this in the bud.

She's out of order to say these things. However, not to make excuses for her it might just be that she has no experience of little boys. When my daughter said she was expecting a boy I felt as though I wouldn't know what to do with a baby boy after two daughters and a granddaughter, but in fact a baby is a baby. We couldn't dote more on our grandson so it may well be she's very different once he's here. Just focus on yourself for now and hopefully all will resolve. Make the most of it all.

I never understand when people say they "wouldn't know what to do" with a baby boy or a baby girl. I have one of each and it never occurred to me that I'd do different things with a boy or a girl.
When they're a baby you feed them, change their nappies and cuddle them. Their sex is irrelevant.
As toddlers, I did exactly the same things with both - trips to the museum, the park, the swimming pool, the farm etc. As they grow older and go to school then they develop their own interests and you start to see what they're good at and what they enjoy.
I never thought "Right I'll do abc with DD because she's a girl and I'll do xyz with DS because he's a boy". Instead I reacted to them as individuals. For example, it became clear early on that DD loved sports so I enrolled her in sports clubs. DS is not at all sporty. He's more quiet and a home body but he's musical so we've encouraged that.
Not once in my 13 years of parenting have the activities we've done been dictated by my children's sex.

I had a similar situation with my first pregnancy. For me it was my MIL. I invited her to come with us to my ultrasound because she had never been able to with her own daughter and had felt upset about not being able to. So I thought it would be kind to allow her to come.

However as soon as we were told I was having a boy, the first words out of her mouth were "Well couldn't you have done better" She then got up and walked out of the room!

I understand that she might have been hoping for the first granddaughter, as her daughter had three boys but it felt like she didn't care about our feelings or that the baby was healthy. It was a real kick in the teeth and I still feel sad that she was like that.
It really sucks but you are going to have a wonderful baby boy who is much loved by you. Try to hold onto that and ignore her digs as much as possible.

So tell her that!

Why are you suffering in silence?

She's not being 'honest' or 'speaking her mind'

She's being unkind.

Tell her!!

Surely that honesty should work both ways though? She should be able to take on the chin you expressing how she makes you feel.