To think my mum should keep her disappointment to herself

[spiralstair]

Just found out we're having a boy and we're very exited so told my mum and she sounded visibly disappointed saying I imagined you to have a daughter, she then went on to say there's something very special about having a daughter and a mum/daughter bond maybe you'll get one next time.
She now keeps saying every time the baby is mentioned how strange it feels that I'm having a boy and that she keeps picturing a girl.

Then the last straw is how she keeps looking at all the lovely dresses in the shops and has to drag herself away reminding herself it's a boy.
She's really taken the shine off this pregnancy and I'm starting to feel really angry and avoid the subject.
I have told her I'm exited to be having a boy, I'm wondering if she's trying to relive having me through my baby or why is she finding it so strange that my baby is a little boy.

It’s just that it wouldn’t be hard for the OP’s mother to acknowledge she has her own feelings about her daughter’s baby, as she’s entitled to, and to keep them to herself.

She does need to be told to shut up!

She's said it & that's it.

If I'm ever lucky enough to become a GP (doubtful!) I won't care!

I have one of each & have a special bond with both of them.

Obviously because I'm their mum!

@spiralstair I'm so sorry that your Mum is behaving like this and spoiling your pregnancy. I have a daughter (eldest and her first Grandchild) and then a son 4 years later. In those days, routine scans weren't available to most people. So the vast majority of us, didn't know what sex the baby was until it arrived.

She was smitten with my daughter, over the moon. My son was a different story. She didn't dislike him as such, but she wouldn't ever watch him or do much interacting with him at all from birth onwards. All I got was 'I don't know what to do with him: I've no experience of boys; I had daughters and no Brothers'' on and on. She just didn't want to know really and it was very hurtful.

Right up until she died, she would still occasionally say something expressing surprise that he was a kind, thoughtful man for something he had said or done - thus making it clear that her mind-set hadn't changed all those years. She was financially generous to her 3 granddaughters all her life - but he lost out often and more so as he became adult

I hope when your baby arrives, your Mum, manages to see your little boy for who he is and not still persist in seeing him as not what she wanted, but I feel for you. It isn't easy to deal with

Oof that is brutal to hear. How wonderful for both you and him that your family absorbed him, and how heartbreaking for the children who are left in care. Bit of a reality check for those of us who casually have gender preferences.

I love both my kids but honestly my son is by far the easier & more reasonable one!

I have an only who is a boy, and he is the absolute light of our lives - congratulations! Your mum needs to wind her neck in or she will permanently damage your relationship. I bet when she meets him though she will fall in love and totally change her tune :)

Will he fall.in love with her though?
Sounds an awful person.

So sorry OP. A lady at work said the same to me and it really stung. That was just a lady at work!!!
Id be absolutely fuming if it came from my own mum!
FWIW I think the bond you have with your child is so individual. If you love and support them unconditionally it’s going to be fabulous whether they are a boy or a girl! Good luck with the rest of the pregnancy X

I think you should tell her off and give her chance to apologise. Sometimes our mums say ridiculously hurtful things.
I’m sure she will dote on him once he’s here

I was surprised by the sex of my children both times and felt confused and almost disappointed as I had expected each to be the opposite of what they were. But now I adore them. Give her the benefit of the doubt that she is surprised - but tell her clearly you know it may have come as a surprise but now she needs to get with the programme and be positive and excited like you are about your beautiful baby boy.

Also agree with a PP that some people just never learn to bite their tongue and say whatever comes into their heads e.g. elderly man in a shop to my son 'looks like you'll be a carrot top, poor boy.' 🙄

My mother was like this. The irony is that the child is now the golden grandson and much preferred to the subsequent granddaughter!

Very immature behaviour.
she should apologise

This ^
you need to stop this b*t asap.

Exactly what I was thinking. It's really horrible to make it obvious you are disappointed with the sex of someone's baby under any circumstances. To continue making it obvious is heartless.

That really is toxic and unacceptable.
Protect yourself and your son from it.
Thank goodness for your MIL.

Yes this OP.

I actually don’t think get disappointment is so unreasonable per se in the sense that she might have liked to think of her DD having a DD to grow up as it is a nice bond. But she should keep it to herself AND in any case OP baby boys are completely and utterly delicious!

What a dick. Be toxic right back. I'd just take MIL to do all the fun stuff as she is being a decent human. If your mum asks (which she will because your pregnancy is about her apparently) just tell her you didn't want to upset her.

Enjoy your lovely baby!

Other way round with my Paternal Grandmother. 'My heart sank to my boots when I heard it was another girl' is a direct quote.

I was the second Granddaughter. Thankfully for the Grandmother I (funnily enough) never had much of a relationship with, the 3rd grandchild was a boy.

I had this with my two boys. The first was a surprise but before he was born my parents would make the odd comment about how they loved girls (having had 2 themselves) with my second I felt so much pressure to have a girl that it really affected my mental health during pregnancy. Not just by my parents who again made an odd innocent comment (oh maybe wel be buying dolls this time next year) or by people at work (you’ll be wanting a girl this time around). It resulted in me being disappointed when I found out my second DS was a he and I hate that for him because he is the most perfect little baby and I couldn’t love him any more.

I still carry round some guilt for not making a girl and feel like people pity me for it which is such a horrible feeling.

Congratulations on your boy op I really mean it when I say how wonderful they are. (All babies and children are wonderful regardless of sex!)

My mum wanted me to have a boy, as she already has a granddaughter, and got her wish! I was firmly convinced I was having a girl until my 20 week scan, and then was disappointed for all of ten seconds before I got over it. Now I couldn't imagine having anything other than a little boy. Meanwhile he is going to be wearing some 'girly' things, because my friend found some babygrows with bunnies on them and I thought they were really cute. They're a bit more colourful than the boy's stuff, some of which is really drab. Are boys not allowed to wear colours? (Except for blue.🙄) Enjoy your little boy OP, he's going to be special because he's yours. 💙 I don't buy into boys are better than girls or girls are better than boys, all babies are unique, and little personalities in their own right.

After having my boy, still in the maternity suit, my mum turned to me and asked me if I was disappointed he was a boy! Hadn’t even crossed my mind - clearly it had hers.

what would even be an appropriate response.

I’ve never forgiven her or forgotten. She wasn’t invited to visit when I had my 2nd dc.

ironically, out of all her grandchildren my ds is the one she has the best relationship with, not because he’s a boy, but because he’s lovely and kind, and to think she was disappointed with him when he was hours old.

Same in our family! At the end of the day Grandmothers adore boys.

I can never understand this preference; I think both boys and girls are gorgeous. Little girls can be cutesy for buying baby things etc and maybe that’s why the idea appeals so much before the baby is a reality and more just a doll-like concept. Most doll collectors have loads of girls and a few token boy dolls for some reason. But once they are here as a flesh and blood reality, little boys definitely give them a run for their money in a grandmother’s soft spot.

I think a pointed comment is in order. ‘If it’s so amazing having a daughter wouldn’t you stop trying to ruin your daughter’s pregnancy by endlessly telling them they are carrying the wrong sort? Honestly I just want to avoid you right now mum these comments are too much.’

@Blackfluffycats 💐 Oh, that makes me feel sad for you. Please don't feel guilty. Some people have really weird attitudes about a baby's sex when it has nothing to do with them!

there's something very special about having a daughter and a mum/daughter bond - well, if I were her DD, I would not be wanting to have much of a bond with her as she is being a total pain! Tell her!!!