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Original poster

Grandparents who can't lead their own lives because of Grandchildren?

236 replies

girlfriend44 · 17/10/2023 14:50

Why should grandparents have to run their lives round the grandchildren?

Talking to someone today, they have family coming to stay this week. Its the only time their visitors can come because the grandkids are away on half term and they've gone away as a family.

Seems the grandchildren rule some people's lives.

OP posts:
Gizlotsmum · 17/10/2023 14:52

Well I assume it is their choice to have the grandchildren and allow their lives to work around them so unless there is something else going on surely it only affects them?

oohsharon · 17/10/2023 14:52

Someone's bored today 🙄🤣

You've missed out a glaringly important generation here 🙄

ClarkGablesMoustache · 17/10/2023 14:52

Surely that's their choice? Nobody make them live like that.

Some people are extremely involved with their grandchildren's lives, some aren't. Everyone finds a level that works for them.

Karatema · 17/10/2023 14:53

Surely this is the grandparents' choice?

Some DC can't rely on DGP because they all live hours away from each other.

A lot of DGP I know still work full-time so looking after their DGC is not t an option.

JMSA · 17/10/2023 14:53

Each to their own but it wouldn't be for me Grin

DowntonCrabby · 17/10/2023 14:54

As with all adults, they have the ability to run their lives the way they wish, even if some choose to pander to others.

Icopewhenihope · 17/10/2023 14:54

Won’t be me!

PurpleBananaSmoothie · 17/10/2023 14:58

Talking to someone today, they have family coming to stay this week. Its the only time their visitors can come because the grandkids are away on half term and they've gone away as a family.

Eh?

Surely this is just normal adults being busy, some involving kids, some not and very narrow windows when it works for both parties to meet? If it wasn’t half term, the parents could be at work, they could be busy at work or be seeing friends. It takes quite a bit of organising to visit my mum because we have stuff on and my mum has stuff on.

Khvdrt · 17/10/2023 14:58

Lots of grandparents like it like that. For some people being an involved grandparent is part of their identity in the same way being a mum is. Not for everyone and people can say no if they don’t like it that way.
My mil used to be like this and then decided she didn’t want to plan her life around her grandchildren any more so we made different arrangements; no issue

MidnightOnceMore · 17/10/2023 15:01

Grandparents who can't lead their own lives because of Grandchildren?

I would define this as Grandparents who love seeing their Grandchildren but if I didn't I'd not do it.

SaracensMavericks · 17/10/2023 15:03

My parents love seeing my kids during the school holidays, and I really hope I feel the same when I'm a granny.

BoohooWoohoo · 17/10/2023 15:04

I don't understand.
Don't the grandparents want the grandchildren to come and stay ? If it's inconvenient then why didn't they say no?

onlyoneoftheregimentinstep · 17/10/2023 15:05

My life absolutely revolves around childcare and my DGC and I wouldn't have it any other way. I had a very rewarding career and am now enjoying my very active retirement. It keeps me fit and young at heart and I'm making the most of it before they're too grown up to need my help.

mrssanchez · 17/10/2023 15:06

I know grandparents who are like this, they love their grandchildren and are happy to see them but get guilt tripped into minding them several days a week and having no life of their own. One of my friend's parents reached the end of their tether and literally threatened to move to another country!
Parents need to learn that they don't automatically get free childcare from their own parents and grandparents need to learn to say no.

Fairyliz · 17/10/2023 15:11

mrssanchez · 17/10/2023 15:06

I know grandparents who are like this, they love their grandchildren and are happy to see them but get guilt tripped into minding them several days a week and having no life of their own. One of my friend's parents reached the end of their tether and literally threatened to move to another country!
Parents need to learn that they don't automatically get free childcare from their own parents and grandparents need to learn to say no.

Yes me too. Lots of grandparents love their grandchildren and are happy to see them on a regular basis.
However quite a few get guilt tripped into doing more and more, often with the implied threat that if they don’t act the way the parents want they won’t be able to see the grandkids at all.
How often have you seen threads where the op is complaining that Mil won’t look after the grandkids exactly as she wants and the general suggestion is to ‘take the kids away’ and put them in a nursery/with childminders.

thecatsthecats · 17/10/2023 15:20

Have these grandparents, perchance, said they don't want to meet up with you OP because they have plans with their grandchildren?

Lostearring · 17/10/2023 15:22

No one "has to". They've chosen to make that rheir priority and it's none of your business.

Goldbar · 17/10/2023 15:25

A lot of people find little kids really sweet and enjoy spending time with them. I find my 1yo adorable, but I wouldn't mind giving them to someone else regularly for a rest 😂!

No one is entitled to grandparent childcare but at the playgroup I've just started with my younger one, there are quite a few doting grandparents who seem to enjoy being "on duty" for a day or two a week. I suspect it's about personal preference and balance.

Pandora55 · 17/10/2023 15:26

It makes me so sad when I think that my in-laws have lost their retirement years to minding their grandkids full time so sil could work. They had to arrange their life around sil work. It drained them. And now that grandchildren are grown they are too frail and bloody worn out to do anything.

Passepartoute · 17/10/2023 15:27

I don't understand why you think this is so outrageous. Suppose someone posted:

"Talking to someone today, they have friends coming to stay this week. Its the only time their visitors can come because their employer won't give them any alternatives/because they've got medical appointments/because they're busy rehearsing for the local amdram but have no rehearsals that week"

Would you really think it was any big deal? Would you go so far as to post a thread wondering why people let their lives be ruled by, well, life?

And why is it so odd that people would want to see their grandchildren? Maybe they love them?

And how is having commitments for one week being unable to lead your own life?

Signed, Baffled of MN.

busnumbernine · 17/10/2023 15:27

Pandora55 · 17/10/2023 15:26

It makes me so sad when I think that my in-laws have lost their retirement years to minding their grandkids full time so sil could work. They had to arrange their life around sil work. It drained them. And now that grandchildren are grown they are too frail and bloody worn out to do anything.

Didn't it allow bil to work too? ConfusedHmm

LadyBird1973 · 17/10/2023 15:28

Lots of grandparents don't freely choose this - they get guilted into it because it's the only way their kids can work without massive childcare bills.
I know some couples where the dad works away and makes no effort to be home with their own kids, even when they could, because it's assumed the gps will pick up the slack and fulfil a parental role. They also don't consult gps before having a 3rd/4th baby, and assuming granny will do the minding and school runs!

I'm sure some grandparents love it and wouldn't have it any other way, but I do know quite a few who look knackered and are balancing raising small children with all the health concerns and other issues of getting older.

maddening · 17/10/2023 15:29

My friend had to live her life around her mother with dementia- goddam needy grandparents

Screenskeen · 17/10/2023 15:30

My sister guilt trips my mum all the time and will leave the group chat if she doesn't get her own way.

My mum works shifts and she plans my mums day off with her childcare needs, my mum has been working bank to avoid it.

Uts easy to say she's an adult but some chikdren are very manipulative and can withdraw you seeing your grandchildren if you don't play by their rules.

It has calmed down alot since my other sister has had a baby as my mum has been going tonher house also, but my older sister is so bitter.

Before my younger sister had a baby even she was roped into being expected to help with the parental childcare.

CornishClott · 17/10/2023 15:30

Often you find that the children grow up and don't bother with the grandparents so much . The grandparents get resentful as they gave up a lot of their retirement. Often the parents of the grandchildren have their own lives to lead too . Just what I've seen played out in my family, may not be the case for everyone I understand.