Grandparents who can't lead their own lives because of Grandchildren?

[girlfriend44]

Why should grandparents have to run their lives round the grandchildren?

Talking to someone today, they have family coming to stay this week. Its the only time their visitors can come because the grandkids are away on half term and they've gone away as a family.

Seems the grandchildren rule some people's lives.

I don’t understand @girlfriend44 what do you mean?

The GPS obviously aren’t forced to do childcare so there’s no “can’t” about it. It’s a “won’t” as they are choosing to do childcare.

You sound angry about their decision. Is there a back story that would explain your position better? As it is, it doesn’t make any sense.

More fool them.

My retirement will be the first period of my life when I can totally please myself, and I fully plan to do just that.

It's utterly selfish for anyone to expect their parents to make such a sacrifice. Pay for your bloody childcare like the rest of us!

I got no help with my children, from choice not geography. I was determined that as a Grandma I would be better. Luckily retired with a good pension and space I have had a dgc one day per week since birth and will also help out with overnights and extras in emergency. This still gives me plenty of scope for my own socialising and holidays. My DD and son in law know that in the event of sickness, they have willing back up. This helps in their careers and stress levels. They are grateful and help is asked for not demanded and there would be no issue if I couldn’t help as child clearly their prime responsibility.
I have tremendous love for my family. And being able to make life a little easier for them gives me great joy, why would I not?

Seeing them is different to minding them.

This is timely. I am a grandparent carer, my two gs's placed with me through the courts. So I have brought up my own children and also now my two gc's who are now 20 and 17. It has taken it's toll on me and my health is not what it was. Not the kids fault, but the fault of a system that allows a violent thug with convictions to take us back to court again and again for contact which we only stopped due to safety fears.

My dd2 helped us with them but not to the extent it impinged on her life. She now has dc's. I was doing a full day a week and extras as necessary. The other gm, who is lovely, does another full day and they want her to do two. She declined as she has other responsibilities. They want me to do more. But I am done. I am happy to do the full day but I want my freedom.

I think sometimes childcare is presented to gp's as a privilege lol. I love looking after mine but pleased when I am done.

I'm fortunate enough to have help from my parents with looking after my children while I work, helping with school runs and childcare in general. Everyone tells me how lucky I am to have parents who help. I know I am and appreciate them very much. My mum doesn't work, but my dad does & she never worked when we were kids either. Although, my dad works full time, he still helps with school runs too. My parents want to help and don't want me spending thousands on childcare and my eldest to walk home alone. When I move, they want to buy a house near me to help.

My mum has always said looking after her grandchildren keeps her young.

@lostsoul2121 You have lovely parents!

If it's their choice, it's none of your business.

PIL used to have DDs one day a week - at their suggestion - and still very much lived their lives, several holidays and trips a year and loads of socialising and having friends to stay. They would tell us in advance any dates they were going to be away and DDs would just do an extra day with the childminder.

My mum loves spending time with my daughter and happily takes care if her a few days a week. She's also been known to make up extra child minding as an excuse if she wants to get out of something so not all grandparents are under duress lol

@ElsieMc they truly are a blessing, they helped my siblings too (their kids are older now but still do as much as they can). As a result, they are very close to all of their grandchildren.

I hope I can do the same for my children one day, when I become a grandparent.

Seems the grandchildren rule some people's lives.

'Seems some people taking their caring responsibilities seriously.'

There. Fixed it for you.

And my parents moved in with us when DDs were younger due to my dad's ill health and my mum having some health issues. We all look(ed) after one another at different times.

I would certainly like to help if DDs have kids in the future and if they live nearby, with a nice balance of otherwise "living my life" and doing other fun things I hope.

Families helping one another but not to the extent of it being too much for anyone or anyone feeling put upon by it is very much my experience and expectation.

Yep, since my auntie became a grandparent (went from zero to five in quick succession), she never has any time without them to meet up with me when I'm home, which is only twice a year.

I'm actually getting quite annoyed with it and feel her daughter (my cousin) really takes advantage. She's literally had a load of children, went back to work full-time when every single one has hit 6 months old and has her mum look after them all full-time when she's in her mid-70's.

I think one or two days per week with a grandparent is fair enough, if they are happy with that, but full-time with multiple children is taking advantage, in my view.

My parents love it. My dad phones every Sunday so he can fill in his diary with pick ups etc. He absolutely hates it when I say it's OK dad I'll pick them up this week etc. He said that doing a few school runs etc and some of the school holidays is what he lives for.

@girlfriend44
You are talking about an elective choice. The grandparents may be pleased to entertain family for that week.

The sadder situation is when parents feel the they are entitled to impose child care assistance or other parental responsibilities or parental wants on the grandparents. However, the grandparents freely choosing to host their grandparents is a common occurrence. In families with healthy boundaries and loving and respectful relationships what you are viewing as a burden or imposition is really a pleasure.

It only becomes an imposition when choice is treated as an entitlement.

My DM looks after my DD(3) and did the same for my DD(9). She’s going to do the same for DC3 when I am finished maternity leave. We had conversations with her about finding alternative childcare and she said that’s not what she wants. She would rather know that she is providing the best childcare for my children. MIL would do more if she didn’t live 2.5 hours away. However, she shares childcare of SIL’s DD(2) and has come to stay with us when my parents have been away or unwell.

Not really sure how it’s your business what my DM does.

My parents-in-law can't go a week without seeing the grandkids (their words). They are so involved that it can be overbearing as we have to let them know our plans in advance (they follow the grandkids everywhere). My mum, on the other hand, is close with her grandkids but her life does not revolve around them.

It's one of those weird ask and run generalisation posts with no real context. If you just want to moan about your friend, then do so. It might just be that they are using their gc as an excuse not to see you?

All the grandparents I know who do this love it. I bloody wish my mum was like this but she isn't.

I don’t know anyone in this situation. None of my sons grandparents have ever looked after him even for an hour and they’re all local -he’s primary age. They all work still too though. My DGC is still a toddler and I have them once or twice a month overnight which is quite enough as I have a career and my own child is in paid childcare to the tune of 15k a year. Even if that wasn’t the case I’m from a culture where people look after their own kids and don’t burden them on family. I know it’s very different in some cultures though.

@ReadingSoManyThreads I live right next door to my parents who 'I take advantage of because they look after my children full time' try telling my mum that and you would get a earful 🤣

Why is it appalling?
Sure in a good job you can afford the extortionate childcare costs but you can never buy care from someone that loves your child and has real investment in their future.
I travel hundreds of miles 1 week a month to see my first GC and look after him so other GP could have a week off.
My DD who lives close is expecting another GC and if I am able it will be an absolute pleasure to provide childcare.
It won't be every day of the week so there's lots of time for other things.

I'm not lucky enough to be a grandparent but lots of my friends are. The truth is that they do this because they would rather see their grandchildren and spend time with them than see anyone else or do anything else. That's a good thing. Grandparents won't be around for ever so time spent together is precious.

I don't rely on grandparents for childcare. Occasionally my in-laws will help out but only on their terms. They have only helped out a handful of times in the last 17 years so we can go out for fun, it's mostly things like they looked after the dc for a few hours when I was giving birth (and handed them straight back to dh as soon as I was in recovery) or they will pick up eldest from college sometimes if they are in the area anyway. That's fair enough, they are my dc and I chose to have them.

For me personally I can't imagine not helping my dc with their dc if I can. It would be nice if there was a bit of a gap between my youngest being old enough to be left on his own for a couple of hours and the older ones needing my help with their dc. My parents had grandchildren and a teenager and the age gaps between me and my siblings are similar to the ones between my dc.

See this is so nice. When we have kids, surely we hold those little babies in our arms and promise we’ll do anything for them and help them have good lives. Why some people suddenly change their minds when they hit 16 and say right bugger off kid you’re on your own is beyond me. Looking after your grandchildren and helping your child have a good life is just an extension of that promise surely? 🤷‍♀️

I mean obviously you should be respected and. It worked into the ground but our kids didn’t ask to be born. Why people act like they’re entitled nuisances for wanting help from the people who chose to have them just makes no sense to me?