Grandparents who can't lead their own lives because of Grandchildren?

[girlfriend44]

Why should grandparents have to run their lives round the grandchildren?

Talking to someone today, they have family coming to stay this week. Its the only time their visitors can come because the grandkids are away on half term and they've gone away as a family.

Seems the grandchildren rule some people's lives.

@girlfriend44 My parents had my son, dad said looking after my 1 year old two days a week when I went back to work gave him something to live for. He was dying, lost mobility, unable to breathe without an oxygen machine and died two months ago. My mum still has my son for two days and comes over on weekends to spend time with him if she wants. He’s pulling her through this hard time. The cost of childcare now is astronomical now to what is was when I grew up and my mum says she doesn’t know how people afford it. Not everyone hates their own family, not everyone demands the use of their retired parents time but I know I am lucky to have the support. We only have my mum, everyone else is dead. Sometimes when I hear of 4 grandparents all refusing to help and aren’t interested in seeing their grandchildren I feel sad. What kind of a relationship is that? But then it’s evident isn’t it? Those grandparents didn’t raise their own children (the parent) particularly well and now it’s coming back to seed with an awful entitled attitude, you reap what you sow.

What I often find that parents who were not particularly invested in their own children are devoted Grandparents. My mother was more interested in her Grandchildren than her children. I guess it's just having more time and patience and being able to hand them back at the end of the day .

I can and i do i did more when they were babies so mum and dad could do their degrees at uni. i never resented it i do occassionaly now mum has reduced hours. My daughter knows we have our own lives and we live it i dont feel guilty if i cant look after them . Their both at school now so dont need to be looked after as mutch and their dad works from home .

Interesting.

I've observed around me a lot of adults who were not particularly interested in their parents, until they have children and then suddenly expect that their parents will be running around after them everywhere and constantly moaning that they aren't.

There seems to be a lot of misinterpretation and projection going on with responses on this thread.

I see a level of entitlement from some children of my friends in respect of grandchildren and childcare.

I love my DGDs and enjoy the times I do spend with them, but I also enjoy a full social life, hobbies and have elderly parent responsibilities on top of a demanding job. I help where I can but have no worries about saying no when I can’t. Emergencies are different to everyday stuff, and I will always pull out the stops when necessary.

I didn’t make my own children the ‘centre of my universe’ or ‘my reason to exist’ and I have no intention of doing that with my DGDs either. I love them all dearly but surely it’s better to raise them to be independent and confident people by showing them that everyone is important and should not have unfair expectations placed on them.

Annoyingly, and despite my own parenting approach, one of my DDs regularly regales me with tales of how ‘ALL her friends with small DCs’ have ‘LOADS of parental help’ and they’ve ‘ALL been happy to retire to provide full-time childcare’! I sense she resents my continuing to work and not retire near her so I can do the same for her as she thinks her friends get. She drops plenty of hints anyway which amuses the rest of the family greatly. 😂

I can't wait to support my children having children. I would do anything for them.

Those grandparents didn’t raise their own children (the parent) particularly well and now it’s coming back to seed with an awful entitled attitude, you reap what you sow

Dear me ... that is unfortunately smug, and a very simplistic interpretation!

Some people have a strong bond and connection with their kids meaning that when their kids grow up they want to spend time with their parents, then when they have kids, they also have a strong attachment with their grandchildren and so on. It’s an individuals choice but I know that when I’m a grandparent I’ll work around the schedules to ensure I carve out time to spend with my grandchildren. Some see it that way and other see it as, ‘grandkids running their lives’

for many grandparents it’s an absolute joy. why does it bother you so?

Some grandparents are more involved than others - if you don’t agree with that, then don’t do that with your own. But what others choose to do, is none of your business really

My mother asks every week what days she can have my children. Usually once a week now but used to be twice when they were not school age.

My in laws will maybe have mine once a month. If asked in advance. And it doesn't clash with a trip to the supermarket or car wash that they have pre planned.

Some of my friends parents have their kids from school til 7pm every day. I guess the grandparents are happy with this but I don't think I'll be that helpful as a grandparent!

If it works for everyone as in everyone is fine with it no issues at all, but there are people who keep on having children then whinge about childcare costs andhand the kids to the grandparents to look after but complain 'they are not doing it my way' and are spoken of in a patronising way

So it depends really

Your life, your choices - and yes that goes for grandparents as well.

…did a boomer write this? 😂🤔

Parents need to learn? What a ridiculous thing to say. My mum would love to have my daughter once or twice a week but due to my daughter’s anxiety, it makes it impossible.

Many grandparents want to have their grandchildren over and help them so they can keep childcare costs down. Such a sweeping statement.

I'm very confused by the post. From the title, I was expecting a read a thread about grandparents caring for their grandchildren 24/7 while the actual.parents are juggling work and their own social life. I'm not sure what the problem is here.

Some people adore their grandkids and want to be actively engaged in their lives, others dont give a shit... each to their own I guess. I'd love for my parents to be more involved but they make it very clear that they have done their time and want to live their own lives, away from all family members about 10 months of the year. I feel sad for my children that they dont have their grandparents present and feel like my parents are missing out on alot (I spent so much time with my nanny and we had a really special bond). But it's their choice. I just hope they realise that when the time comes when THEY need help and support as they're getting older etc, the rest of us will be too busy for them too.🤷‍♀️

@CornishClott they’d done more than enough by then don’t you think? I’m all for GP helping out but that’s different from full-time childcare. They’ve earned their retirement and should be living life to the full unless of course childminding is what they are choosing to do. Even then a think a balance is more healthy for every family with some paid care and some ad hoc GP care.

again if grandparents want to do it its up to them better than putting the kids in daycare where you do not know whats going on and the kids do not get one to one caring time psychologist once said sticking babies in child care when young can cause anxiety in young children i for one believe this to be true when children are young they should be with there families to give the care and assistance they need for me there is nothing better than spending time with my granddaughter xx

Yes they had . This was the late 1960s and I think their health was starting to go . They helped my mother through a tough time as she was on her own but by the time no 4 child had arrived mum had remarried. They had brought up 8 children , been through two world wars and I think enough was enough . They were in their late sixties by then .

I think it's better too as the bond and love is there with Grandchild.

Well they are not running their lives around grandchildren but from necessity assuming their grandkids are school age and they want to see them. That is common sense as teachers and schoolchildren are tied to visiting weekends or school holidays. Most other people are more flexible for visits.

What is your bugbear?

Of course if grandparents do childcare most of the time and are restricted from going away themselves unless they are not needed for childcare I wouldn't be happy with that. We do some childcare for GC but if we have holiday booked my DD makes other arrangements. We don't choose to go on holiday in school holidays unless going with GC.

exactly same xx

@CornishClott sad. But I’m sure they were happy about helping your mum out through a very tough time. But as they aged it obviously all got a bit too much, understandably. Your mum was lucky to have them and the grand children were lucky too! My children have never had any family care apart from me and dh because all of the grandparents died when they were very small. So it’s all been on us but we don’t know any different and I also didn’t go back to work so at least they had me to be around all the time. DH worked away a lot and someone had to be there for them