Grandparents who can't lead their own lives because of Grandchildren?

[girlfriend44]

Why should grandparents have to run their lives round the grandchildren?

Talking to someone today, they have family coming to stay this week. Its the only time their visitors can come because the grandkids are away on half term and they've gone away as a family.

Seems the grandchildren rule some people's lives.

I think some grandparents like to play the martyr about it.

My parents really kindly help out one day a week - the kids are both very young so I’m always in the house as well but having an extra pair of eyes makes things less stressful. However, they both started making comments about never being able to do things because they have to help me and my sister with our kids. So I said that’s fine, they don’t need to come every week just if and when they want to - now they get all offended when I say I want a day with the kids to myself! All light hearted and everyone involved loves having our days together but I think they like to complain to make sure they get the recognition they are entitled to for their help.

It's a personal choice.
We look after our grandchildren some days in the week. We plan our holidays for the school holidays and we make plans to meet our friends do our hobbies etc for the days we don't look after the children.
That's our choice it is neither reasonable or unreasonable is it ? Everyone makes different choices and that's fine.

Its not up to you to decide that ? Most grandparents are not very involved these days as people live longer and they what to travel etc .
personally I wish they were , my grandmother is the person I loved the most growing up , and I wouldn’t be the person I am today without her loving me and sp being as much time as she did with me and I’m forever thankful and I know my mother is too .
It’s however also ok if people live their life’s and choose not to have a big part in their grandchildren’s life’s or help parents etc , but it’s also ok if they see grandparents long as a extent to parenting and they live helping their children . You should not criticise neither of them .

These grandparents are adults who can make their own decisions. If they do not want their grandchildren to visit then they need to say so.

Because some people see their grand kids as family and there for important to them and wish to help their own children out instead of seeing their grandkids inconvenient

Grandparents don't have caring responsibilities for their grandchildren...

I’ve been the paid childcare provider for many families, and if I was getting paid for listening to the grandparents complain about being asked to babysit, I’d be rich! Parents: “oh my parents love to watch the kids” Grandparents: “the kids are exhausting. Do you do evenings? Why can’t they get you?” I’ve only had 2 grannies that said they loved having the kids.

My kids already know that I won’t be providing daily child care, but I will be a supportive back up caregiver. I’m hoping to spend my winters somewhere more pleasant than where I live, so I can’t commit continuously, although I’d love to do a day a week when I am around.

My parents look after my toddler 2 days a week. They are absolutely besotted with her (and she with them). They do organise their lives around her but very much of their own choosing. My mum has been desperate for grandchildren since my sister and I became adults, and I can see what enormous happiness she gets out of the time she spends with my daughter. If they ever go away on holiday they are always wanting to FaceTime her and talking about how much they miss her and how they can't wait to see her when they get home. She's not stopping them from living their lives, she's an integral and joyful part of their lives. Not every involved grandparent is a downtrodden servant of their children, some truly love being involved grandparents. I think I will feel exactly the same if I am ever lucky enough to have grandchildren of my own, and will want to be as involved as possible.

I overheard some grandparents last year and was shocked (and impressed by lol) the sarcasm at their situations, they were laughing about how well they’re reimbursed for all the running about they do because their kids have no choices because they’re working. Eyes were well and truly opened!!! Add to this how you see a seventy odd running about after a five year old- I’m 43, there is no way in thirty years I’ll be able to catch a five year old that’s decided to run off!!

And yes im sure they do love the time they spend with grandchildren but im sure they’d appreciate not having to be their childminders daily! (We have a LOT of gps at the school gates that are there every single day)

Their lives their choice.

I was with my grandma after school and most holiday so yes my parents do clock in for a date night / long weekend shift every so often (I have paid for childcare for working). Most of my friends from my gen were with their grandparents so I do find it weird to expect their parents to do so much and no offer any help to their kids.

@Tryingmybestadhd
The best thing about your post is that you acknowledge that grandparents have a right to choose and there is no obligation to act in a specific way.

Well I am a grandparent and yes it is tiring and sometimes difficult But I wouldn't have it any other way. I love that by caring for them we have built a strong relationship with our GC so they know us well and are comfortable enough to feel at home in our house.
We love spending time with them and seeing them grow we are proud that we have played a part in that and we also love that we are helping our DC. For me being a parent is a lifetime commitment and I'm happy about that.
I honestly do think caring for our GC keeps us young. And I recently read a survey that shows just that.

Would be better if nurseries were more subsidised so grandparents didn't have to childminders so grandparents could do as hoc or fun stuff . On average outcomes are worse for children looked after by grandparents. As the pension age and cost of living rises fewer grandparents will be available anyway in future.

Sounds like you're jealous of people who have their grandchildren a lot @girlfriend44 Everyone I know who has their grandchildren on a fairly regular basis, loves every minute of it. The presence of their grandchildren doesn't stop them doing anything. What a very bizarre thread.

Some people want their grandchildren to rule their lives, if they didn't the wouldn't agree to it.
Every set up is different. From my own families perspective my sister had her DC's quite late compared to myself and my parents regularly look after her DC's and love it. They say it keeps them young and I would say compared to my PIL, who were great when their grandchildren were young, they do seem physically fitter, they don't seem to have "grown old" as quickly and I would say it's def down to then having younger grandchildren
That said I don't think it's fair if childcare is expected to the grandparents detriment

it really is a choice moderated by the grandparents' personality, and relationship with their children. Most grandparents i know absolutely love theirs and look for opportunities to spend time with them, even if it involves "chores". if a gp doesnt want to be involved equally, noone should be forcing anyone to be involved.

However the OP's post comes across as some wish to generalise a "rule" so they dont feel a stigma or guilt towards not wanting to be with their gc. You cannot create a general rule for this OP, everyone is different. You dont need to feel guilty, but equally, you cannot stigmatise the other way around either - when grandparents absolutely love to spend time with grandchildren. It is perfectly normal.

We don't do any childcare for dh's 3 gc. It doesn't fit in with our life and we don't want to.

Very intrigued to hear about on average outcomes being worse :D Could you point us to some research about this? i can imagine there would be so many caveats in this type of pseudo science: which country, whether grandparent is poor and hates having to be care giver, parents cant afford nursery therefore granny has to look after, the family is dysfunctional, countries where nursery care is not great etc etc etc....how do you untangle that mess with some simpleton conclusion like that...

Certainly in southern europe and really, much of the rest of the world bar northern european countries, grandparents looking after grandchildren is the norm. My italian parents look after mine with all their heart and my children are very happy to be part of an extended big family.

Surely it's down to the grandparents if they choose to devote so much time to their grandchildren?

Some parents seem to think so. There are enough threads about it on here; 'no childcare now, no help when parents are elderly'.

This with bells on. I have my grandson on a monday. He's 20 months and he's utterly wonderful. My DIL is expecting again and we will look after that baby too. I have the rest of the week to do whatever I want . He lives 10 minutes from me so I can see him / look after him whenever his parents want a break. I am not doing it to be saintly or a martyr. Most people can identify with the joy of spending time with people you love. I happen to love a small boy and want to spend time with him.

My mums friend used to volunteer to have gc all the time then tell anyone who would listen how hard and what a big commitment it was it was 110% her choice

No we love it. We have 2 days a week that we look after our grandchildren. I day a week each for each family. Yes we cant have appointments etc on these days but that still 5 days a week for ourselves. When we go on holiday we just give our children lots of notice. We love being part of their lives.

www.theguardian.com/education/2009/feb/10/grandparents-childcare-pre-school