Grandparents who can't lead their own lives because of Grandchildren?

[girlfriend44]

Why should grandparents have to run their lives round the grandchildren?

Talking to someone today, they have family coming to stay this week. Its the only time their visitors can come because the grandkids are away on half term and they've gone away as a family.

Seems the grandchildren rule some people's lives.

I've seen this happening so many times. A couple I know are now each doing school drop off/pick up in 2 different towns. It's just like a full time job but unpaid.

Someone sounds bitter

Totally up to them I guess 🤷, if it was too much of a problem then I assume they’d change it?

Sure, maybe they have horrible boundaries + are being asked to do more than they want and not saying no. But maybe they love it and are really happy about it.

It may sound harsh but I was raised with the following word's.
You had children you look after them don't be like your mother.
Above comment came from my grandmother that constantly had us she basically brought us up
If nan couldn't have us she would find someone else.
it wasn't that mum was working all the time she would just say bringing the kids as I need a night out or I need a break.
my nan told her you shouldn't have so many kids if you can't look after them. That was a week after my grandad past away my mum said she needed a break.
I've been NC with my mother in years.
Grandmum as we call her is now 98 old and frail my mother stole her years with tantrums and nan had to be a mum again to 4 kids.
From birth on and of most weeks until I was a teen.
She had raised her family and somehow had to raise her grandkids.
I had 2children and didn't ask once for help.

If I need childcare I would pay a professional or just work around it.
I will be there for my grandchildren when or if my children want children but I'm not gonna be playing second mum.

Wish my mum and mil made more effort tbh 🤣 none of this takes a village bullshit here. All on their terms and all over them at special occasions getting in their faces 🤣😅 my present first mine mine mine! Mil didn't want to know when we were going through miscarriages and wouldn't look after our first for each d and c. A balance would be nice!!! Just saying you can't just be there when it suits you.

Life's perhaps not as simple as you imagine.
When parents choose to have children, they don't plan for their relationship to break down and they don't get to choose whether or not their child has disabilities that can be hard to manage alone.

I'm going to remember this the next time there is a 'grandparents have the right to see their grandchildren' row.

Sure, so what do the parents do in those situations where they have no grandparents around who can or will help? As that's often the case.

I'm not saying grandparents should never assist but disagree with the idea that they have no choice. Everyone has choices over who they care for and ultimately young children are the responsibility of their own parents.

I mean, I go to visit my parents during half terms etc as it's when they can see their grandchild... I do ask first - "what are your plans for X?" And they'll let me know and I'll ask if it's OK for us to have a visit etc. It's not set in stone.

I don’t plan on being free full time childcare when I am a grandparent. When I am retired I want to be able to make last minute plans if I want to. Not being able to go away for a random few days as a couple because we have children to think about (well into our 60s) isn’t something that appeals. We have been there and done that raising our own ( and were happy too). Retirement will be about us-spending quality time with family will absolutely be a part of that but on mutually agreeable terms, not in a way that stops us living our lives.

Usually it's a choice? Our DGC's live 3 hours away so we go around twice a month to help for 3-4 days - we LOVE it & consider it a blessing to be so involved/needed (i was also incredibly lucky that my own DM/DF were very involved/besotted with my DC's and helped me with childcare/everything really, but it gave them immense pleasure always)

But also of course - we're all different... And some people/grandparents have neither the inclination/energy to do much & it isn't an entitlement for anyone

Because you now need two incomes to buy a decent house and childcare costs are astronomical so people are increasingly relying on grandparents.

Also some grandparents love it! Ultimately it’s up to the grandparents what they choose to do isn’t it? Not really anyone else’s business.

My mum and dad helped me a lot... They had a lot of help from my grandad when I was a child too... My mum died quite recently, but she loved having my daughter around... My dad is a fit 75 year old and having his granddaughter around is keeping him busy... I'm a single parent and I work full time... I've done everything I can to reduce my need to rely on him, but sometimes it can't be helped.
I've had to reach out to non family recently as my paid childcare fell through unexpectedly... I was so grateful. I don't expect anyone to do anything for me, but reminds me of the saying "it takes a village to raise a child" - People's villages are clearly getting smaller, and it's quite sad.
If my dad needs me, I'll be there in a shot - if anyone else needs me, I'd be there in a heartbeat too.

Horses for courses.
I had no help with my DC. Single parent, dad who didn't want to be involved and both sets of GPs dead. It was hard (and very expensive) holding down a full time job. I didn't go out before they started school as I couldn't afford it and my only free babysitters would have been my friends who I wanted to go out with.

Had my parents been alive they'd have been wonderful GPs in the same vein their own parents were to me. I'm very sad my DC missed out on that and determined that when they have their own DC I will be very much involved to provide that loving family network of relationships. If it saves some childcare costs/stress too, so much the better. It's all about good relationships and boundaries. Only offer what you're prepared to do willingly and never ask for more than is reasonable but always with love and understanding.

Or if they were like mine and said no after basically helping to babysit / bring up 3 children . When no 4 arrived they said no . It caused a lot of resentment but they were just worn out and needed time together as they were pushing 70 . This was the late sixties. The life expectancy was late 70s in those days .

A couple we know were persuaded by their daughter to sell their house and buy a bigger one with her and her rather useless partner. They are used as childcare the daughter is an NHS worker and they do all the school drop offs and pickups and after school care and even more during the holidays. They rarely get any chance to do anything on their own and the grandfather retired because of ill health but not getting much chance to relax.

I too felt the same. However, I've discovered that, for me, it's not possible to disassociate myself from the needs of my wider family.

I would love to be able to be spontaneous, to be able to look at the weather forecast and say "it's going to be nice next week, let's go away somewhere" but that would mean abandoning my family. I know that I wouldn't enjoy being away whilst knowing that I'd left them struggling alone. It would feel like hitting them when they're down, like reminding them of how much nicer my life is than theirs. I find that I just can't do it. So I've accepted that I won't be having any more holidays that don't include them.

I love my grandchildren, and was always willing to help, but I had my own life as well. They are adult now, but I always made it clear that I wasn't in a position to be a childminder. I did help with nursery fees though.

Why would they be struggling alone? There’s paid childcare and before and after school clubs for school age children. I honestly think it’s a shame that many grandparents are so restricted by child care commitments. There’s a difference between helping out and unfair expectations as well. Of course some grandparents are happy to provide full time childcare and that’s great but it should never be expected.

@Spacecowboys they might be struggling with money, or they might just be struggling because @80sMum has voluntarily made a regular commitment which can't be easily replaced with afterschool clubs, since those tend to have waiting lists. Where I live, there is no wraparound care available at the local school. My DP were thinking of moving here at one point (didn't happen in the end) and DM was really excited to think that her grandchildren could come round after school. That would have been absolutely lovely - but we'd have had to have a really serious discussion about how much she wanted it, because if she couldn't commit, they'd have had to go to a school in a completely different town nearer my work that does have breakfast and afterschool clubs. And that would have been fine too - but it's something we'd have needed to decide as a family.

Oh god, my IL's are like this with my BIL & SIL's children.

SIL has told them in no uncertain terms that they're only allowed to go on holiday during the school holidays as she needs them during term time, there must never be any exceptions to this.

IL's who love being martyrs obviously agreed and now moan about the extortionate cost of their holidays each year.

There are so many other things with SIL too in terms of demands of IL's. It's disgustingly entitled and selfish but they agree to it all so more fool them.

I do think that some people expect a lot of grandparents. You can see that on here. I'm not a grandmother yet, but when I am I expect to be quite involved in their lives and be asked to do quite a lot of childcare. But (I have thought about this!) I intend to schedule a regular meeting-maybe every 6 months to talk about whether things still work for everyone. It's very hard for either side to raise issues otherwise. I watched my PILs taking on more and more to their detriment.

It's their choice. My mum always prioritises my children over whatever else she is doing. I don't take advantage though or expect too much. I'm immensely grateful for what she does do.