Grandparents who can't lead their own lives because of Grandchildren?

[girlfriend44]

Why should grandparents have to run their lives round the grandchildren?

Talking to someone today, they have family coming to stay this week. Its the only time their visitors can come because the grandkids are away on half term and they've gone away as a family.

Seems the grandchildren rule some people's lives.

Not my kids grandparents.

My parents see them two/three times a year, but live on the other end of the country.

My MIL never sees them and she lives 2 minutes up the road!

Where are these grandparents who make their grandkids their world? Can I purchase one?

There is so much pressure these days on grandparents, to provide childcare. My friends have been doing this for ages. The grandchildren are almost old enough now to not require looking after. My friends had so many plans for their upcoming free time but oops, grandad just died.

Didn't it allow bil to work too?

Would be interested to hear the answer to this. He isn't one of those selfish career boys is he? Always palming his kids off on someone else tsk.

Is the pressure greater on grandparents these days? I would have said the opposite as so many people seem to live further away from family nowadays.

Maybe it's a geographical thing. In London and the south-east, less people seem to rely on grandparent care while my aunt (north-west) does a few days a week for her grandchildren.

My parents look after my 17mo DD 2 days a week when I am working, and she is in nursery 2 days. I think that is a perfect balance and I am very grateful, they all have a lovely time together but I am under no illusion that looking after her is hard work, therefore I’d only want them to do 2 days.

Quite frankly I think it takes the piss to expect more from your parents; my cousin guilt trips her parents into having her 2 DSs most days and her parents are run ragged, especially as now they have a 3rd grandson from my other cousin and she always palming him off so she can have ‘me time’. I get people need to work but that’s what paid childcare is for.

I would never want my parents to let looking after my DD to affect their plans. When they’re on holiday DP and I share childcare between us.

Well, I chose my wedding date based on when my niece and nephew were off school and could therefore travel with their parents to attend (they were the only children in the family at the time) Am I completely ruled by children?

What a weird post.

*Talking to someone today, they have family coming to stay this week. Its the only time their visitors can come because the grandkids are away on half term and they've gone away as a family.

Seems the grandchildren rule some people's lives.*

How on earth does this mean the grandchild rule anyone's lives??

Can't lead their own lives? Why aren't you viewing it as them choosing how to live their lives, and this involves their grandchildren?

If I tried to cut down the amount my PILs see my DDs, they'd be upset (I don't mean by this to imply that I want to cut down, or that they insist on seeing us all the time, or are emotionally manipulative about it, just that they love seeing them and it's what they choose to have in their lives).

@busnumbernine yeah I suppose you're right there. He worked full time too in a good job. Even more reason why they should of paid for childcare instead of putting it all on the in-laws

My parents didn't retire until my kids were middling teens, this isn't uncommon. My kids saw them a few times a year because we lived 3 hours away. I'm not sure who these involved grandparents are because none of my friends had them either

I know my kids’ grandparents had lots of help from their own parents (far more than they provide, because we don’t have a pressing need) and their parents had lots of help from my great-grandparents. That’s how it is when people work outside the home and childcare is inaccessible. You want your family to do well and for most parents that doesn’t stop when your kids have kids of their own.

Both in very good jobs and could of easily afforded some childcare. But it was easier having mil come pick their kids up at 6:30am and drop them back in the evening ready for bed five times a week. Appalling in my opinion. But it's the in-laws fault for agreeing to it as well.

Never had any childcare from either set of GP - but we do see one set of GP in school holidays at one of the weekends - so they come down for a long weekend since retirement. It's so we are free to do stuff with them - the teens in exam years have rest of holiday to get homework/revision done.

We also have a prolonged stop at relatives house with house move delay - neighbour insisted every time she saw family on telling family to kick us out but didn't realised family were loving having the kids - so much so they tried to get us to stay longer.

There probably are people who take the piss a bit expecting grandparents to do loads of childcare (Julia from Motherland style), but if you're a grandparent who wants to see the kids after school regularly, for example, you need to be able to commit because the parents aren't going to be able to get their kids into afterschool club on an ad hoc basis. OP's friends' visitors may well really like providing term-time childcare, or they might not, but it's not really a mystery as to why it works like that.

I have no skin in the game tbf, we were 500 miles away from family, so all of my kids were in ft childcare from between 5-9 months old when I went back to work. But I think it's fair to point out these arrangements with family benefit both parents.

In addition, this might be the only way which allows the mother to return to work maintaining some independent financial income (and pension contributions) which will be a benefit if she ever has to go it alone (whether by choice or otherwise). I know I'd probably still be stuck with my coercive exh if I didn't have a ft income.

I think what the OP means is that this couple can only have their friends come to stay during half term as the kids are away with parents, meaning they have too many grandchildren responsibilities in term time.

That would be me in years to come if my boys and their parters wanted me that involved. I have plenty of friends but fit them around family commitments now and i will do the same in the future as that is what i would perfer to do.

Surely it's a choice?

My parents look after my son two days a week. I offered to put him in full time nursery instead and they were genuinely upset at the thought of losing 'their days' with him. They actually value the time and WANT to do it. Its not forced!!

If that the case friends need to raise it with the children parents themselves.

Though from what I see it's usually someone complaining - IL friends complained about next IL visit in HT arranged with us- as they are upset they aren't being prioritized.

My mum helped a lot with my children, it was her choice. They have a close relationship.
My In laws didn’t help out with any child care unless it was on their terms. I could never ask for help. We are all emotionally distant.
They are all older now and need help. I help my mum a lot but not my in laws.

I have primary aged children and know some grandparents who agreed to childcare when the children were babies and now feel they can't get out of it. One family in particular are adamant they cannot afford before/ after school club for their kids so need Nanna to do it all, even though because of Nanna they haven't ever paid a penny of childcare fees, have paid their mortgage off and have a household income of about £90k. Nanna feels too guilty to pull back and parents take the piss massively.

All this indignation on behalf of Grandparents. If they don't want to do it they need to say so. Personally, as a grandparent who does a lot of childcare, I find the idea of someone else telling me that it's too much for me to be very patronising.

Sure someone has already put it more eloquently but far too many comments on this thread equate loving one’s grandchild and wanting to provide childcare for them. Tbh, if I’m lucky enough to have grandchildren in the future, I will be happy to have a relationship with them like I did with my own grandparents: we saw them on the weekend for several hours and it was nonetheless a very loving relationship.

I think you're baffled because you haven't read the post but jumped to conclusions of your own. The grandparents in question are having a rare week off and are NOT seeing them for that week, thus enjoying free time they do not usually have because of childcare commitments. I love my grandchildren but I've never provided childcare for them. It's not either or.

You haven't read the post properly.