Grandparents who can't lead their own lives because of Grandchildren?

[girlfriend44]

Why should grandparents have to run their lives round the grandchildren?

Talking to someone today, they have family coming to stay this week. Its the only time their visitors can come because the grandkids are away on half term and they've gone away as a family.

Seems the grandchildren rule some people's lives.

you dont know what you are talking about!! our daughter passed away 3.5 years ago leaving 2 children. her husband, their father, works away and is only home for 3.5weeks every 2 months. The kids live with us when he is away. my hubby is 70 and I am approaching that but there is no alternative because they would lose their home!

Grandparents who can't lead their own lives because of Grandchildren?

i know several who are raising their small grandchildren and are bitter about not being able to enjoy the retirement they wanted. You could say this is entirely self-inflicted, but if you are attached to your grandkids you don’t want them to end up in foster care, or stay with a neglectful parent.

i also know of grandparents who allow themselves to be financially and generally exploited by threat of withholding the grandchildren if they don’t do what is expected. And a retired couple who divorced because the husband wanted to travel and enjoy life, but the wife wanted to babysit the grandkids full time. But on balance, most grandparents seem to do what they are comfortable with and what is convenient for them.

I was a young Grandparent working whilst my Grandchildren were little, I reorganised my work life to look after them for the summer holidays and other holidays. I was fortunate as I could work fixed term contracts. Now I have a close relationship with them. The youngest is now 16. I have just retired and am looking forward to eventually having Great Grands to dote upon. Though with all my hobbies the new generation will have a little less of my time and more of their grandparents time.😊

DH aunt does this - but also turn on water works when her DIL get wind and tries to stop her having GC.

My MIL - who never wanted to babysit or give childcare - takes opportunity to tell her how lucky she is and how much she would do if we were closer - accept we did live closer and this wasn't true which was fine.

DH says it seems to make them both very happy doing this <shrug>.

I'm a grandmother and yes, my life does revolve around my grandchildren. I spend three days a week at my daughter's place, taking the children to their hobbies , etc.

I love it. You only have them for a few years, then they fly away. Spending time with them is a great joy to me. Just knowing how their lives are going, it's lovely. So don't feel sorry for the grandparents who do this - I bet they are loving it.

I

Sometimes the grandparents choose this.
My BIL and his wife live with his parents and 4 kids. My MIL (Grandmother) is doing the school run 3 times a day because the children are different ages so different schools etc.
Part of the perks of insisting your son lives with you, I suppose.

I totally agree with this but most grandchildren, including ours, go to nursery 3/4 days a week. The day we look after them just helps their parents out with the fees and provides variety in their lives.

I'm light years away from having grandchildren but when the time comes we hope to help out a little if we're not too old and knackered. But what childcare we do will be absolutely on our terms!!!

Sorry, but everyone saying it’s the Grandparents choice is not always the case. My friend is totally buggered because she originally agreed to look after the first baby for one afternoon a day week. She now has two to care for for two days, one of whom has to be picked up from school. Her and her DH are newly retired and their life is ruled by this commitment, not to mention they’re absolutely knackered. We just arranged to meet for lunch and she has to leave early to pick one of the children up. She will continue to help, but between that and her very elderly mother, it’s not fun.

My MIL did next to nothing with by DC. Didn't invest her time, energy or joy. SIL even less. Now MIL lives in my house ruining all of our lives because she has dementia. She was horrid before and now she is unbearable. We are all affected by it (SIL managed to side step again) and I wish she was someone else's problem. We are a family though, so just have to suck it up.

It works both ways - consideration and care. I really wish she'd appreciated her 'family' before it became all about her. It even effects how much time I can spend with my own DM and friends because MIL is always with me, even when I'm working from home.

BTW your post reads like, my friend has plans. They can't fit me in when I want them too. How selfish of the 'insert person/activity'. It really just sounds like you are being selfish. Is it really that hard to fit with their plans? People have busy lives.

Hahaha! That's what I used to say! 🤣

Yes, it's like a trade-off! We never had parents doing childcare - they were too far away and I don't honestly think they would have wanted to do it really.

My adult children already say they wouldn't expect it. None of them has a partner so I think gc are in the future, and I doubt I will be fit enough to mind babies/small children on a regular basis.

girlfriend44

*Why should grandparents have to run their lives round the grandchildren?

Talking to someone today, they have family coming to stay this week. Its the only time their visitors can come because the grandkids are away on half term and they've gone away as a family.

Seems the grandchildren rule some people's lives*

They have family coming to stay, not visitors. It sounds like they enjoy seeing their child and their spouse and their grandchildren. They are probably looking forward to it.

Doing something you enjoy now and then doesn’t mean it rules your life

Either you don’t have children or grandchildren or you find your children and or grandchildren boring.
Some people love their family and some people don’t

Did someone cancel plans or not make plans with you this week?

You're absolutely right, there isn't always a choice. If an adult DC needs help with their children and there's nobody else who can provide it, what can a grandparent do but step in? If the grandparent chooses not to help, wouldn't that damage the relationship with the DC? The DC would feel unsupported.

There can be few parents who wouldn't offer to help, I think.

Yes, it does unfortunately dictate our lives, as we're committed and relied upon. But there is no actual choice involved. It's just the situation in which we find ourselves.

This thread isn’t about childcare. I think girlfriend would have a serious issue with this person looking after gc regularly.

This is about the son or daughter coming to visit their parents for a week and bringing their own family unit.

I don't think it is. She says she was talking to someone today who has family coming to stay (she doesn't say who the family are) and it's the only time the family can come because the grandchildren (presumably OPs friends grandchildren ) were away. Then she goes onto says GC rule some people's lives. So she is criticizing the friend for arranging her families visit to coincide when the grandchildren are away.

I have never had any help and wouldn't have expected any. My parents never had any help with us.
I do think a lot of people take it for granted that the Grandparents will help out, however as parents are leaving it later in life now to start a family maybe that will alter things. My Mum needs quite a lot of help now.
I' m a lone parent, still working lots of hours, with two young adults still at home and am very much looking forward to when all l have to worry about is myself. When l was younger l would have the mindset that yes l would love to help, and l probably will help out but l don't wan to feel pressured.

My grandparents help look after my 2 older siblings and then me full time . By the time my youngest sibling arrived my Grandparents said no . They were then pushing 70 and their health had started to decline . My mother held a grudge against me over this saying I had been favoured and my sibling had been pushed out . I can't say I blame my Grandparents , they needed some time to themselves .

My parents are 100% like this. Is also very much their choice. I’m a SAHM with a supportive husband +
good friends locally who can help out. My brother + his wife are the same - well supported + don’t need bailing out.

our parents just like to be around. They chose to pick the boys up from school on Wednesday for an ‘adventure’ (usually trip to the park to find treasure or hunt for elves etc - 5yos are magic!), to come for Monday breakfast pancakes - and to take Mine and my brother’s children on Friday evenings for a movie night once a month etc.

they never miss a school play or a harvest festival or a rewards assembly.

their friends definitely take a back seat to their grandparent-ing - and that is very much their choice. They just really love being with their grandchildren (who reciprocate 1000 fold) - and chose to prioritise being part of the rituals of their daily lives.

It’s not for everyone (and it’s certainly net an expectation from their children - although it is unequivocally great for us) - but some people are wired that way. I think that’s fine!

my in laws are totally different - always working or busy - and come and see us for more intense visits a couple of times a year. They are endlessly out with walking groups / playing bridge / birdwatching / at choir practice. They’re equally brilliant grandparents - because they’re happy + busy + loving - but very constitutionally different to my parents.

my point being - even in very happy environments there are lots of valid ways of showing up as a good grandparent…

The problem is situations change so gps may agree to look after a 7/8 month old baby while parents return to work part time but soon that cute easy baby who sleeps alot becomes a toddler who throws tantrums, breaks things and needs constant chasing around. Then further grandkids come along and it's only fair to look after others as you have to treat everyone equally. Then work hours change and before you know it people in their 70s are running round after several small children from 6am to 6pm and their children say but they agreed to it and was so excited to do it.

She doesn't HAVE to do anything! She is choosing to.

What? Don't understand this. People should obviously think about how they're going to care for their own children before they have them. There are always choices. What do you think people do who have no grandparents willing or able to care for their kids?

See, I think that all sounds lovely, but that's absolutely worlds away from someone who is for example providing a full 5 days care every week. I presume OP wasn't at all talking about situations like yours but about full time care.

It's how humans evolved, OP. We lived in communal multi-generational groups.

I can't imagine many grandparents choosing to go 'away' in the holidays either - term time prices are far more reasonable.

My mom has so many friends that can only make conditional plans. "Yes, I can have coffee on Tuesday unless the kids need a babysitter" and they had friends who got together every summer (one day between june and august) but now can't cause "the grandkids have very unpredictable schedule". She's so sick of it. I'm friends with a lot of the kids and I know for a fact that they'd have no issue if the grandparents said no, can't do. But they make themselves always available so they don't have a clue that they are cancelling plans to accommodate them.