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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How much responsibility do you feel to look after parents in old age?

357 replies

myusernamed · 15/03/2023 07:11

As the title says.

Do your parents talk about when they are old and what they might expect from you in terms of looking after them?

Do you feel a sense of responsibility for looking after them in old age?

There is only me and my sister and she now lives a few hours away. I automatically feel as though I will be responsible for sorting stuff out.

Father often says he will never go into a home - like it's up to me to make sure that doesn't happen.

Does anyone else feel this expectation?

OP posts:
Faircastle · 15/03/2023 07:20

They didn't care for me when I was a small child (intermittent neglect / emotional abuse then private fostering arrangement for the rest of my childhood), and I don't feel particularly burdened by a sense of duty. I wouldn't want them to suffer, and I do have basic compassion, but I am also protective of my boundaries and am no longer emotionally invested.

abyssofwoah · 15/03/2023 07:25

My mum hates the idea that I would have to do anything for her when she becomes less able. But I do see it as my responsibility. She’s always looked after me so I will do the same for her when the time comes.

ImCrunchyOnTheOutside · 15/03/2023 07:25

DM -mid 70’s-has been saying for years ‘just put me in a home’.
However, DF (long divorced) recently needed daily visits and lots of help and is now in a dementia care home. It’s awful and, unless DM loses her faculties, I can’t see ourselves suggesting she go in a home but I have chronic health issues, a disabled child & DH has stage 4 cancer. Sibling is very much ‘out of sight, out of mind’ so I know the responsibility will be all mine. It’s a worry for sure.

nervous234 · 15/03/2023 07:26

Wouldn't say expected, but I see it as my responsibility, yes.

WindowGazers · 15/03/2023 07:26

I would gladly look after my parents, but only because I love them dearly and they have given me an amazing life thus far. I am a firm believer, however, that nobody is obliged to care for their parents. They chose to bring us into the world, not the other way round.

Rockbird · 15/03/2023 07:27

Huge. They're in their seventies and don't need caring for yet but I do an awful lot of running around for them. I have a sibling that lives near me but they're not involved in that side of things at all. I know as my parents get older it will continue to be me. They've done an awful lot of me though so I don't mind.

BreadwinneBaker · 15/03/2023 07:29

In my experience, the ones who say "you cannot put me in a home, I expect you to care" are the ones who have been terrible to uninterested care givers themselves.

The ones saying that they want children to live their own lives and not have the physical and emotional toll (if they even have space/time around full-time work or a home that could accommodate or they rarely Live close still)... They've been the better parents.

True in my family. In laws. Friends. Colleagues.

Clear pattern.

Fairyliz · 15/03/2023 07:32

Next time your father says he will never go into a home, look him in the eye and ask him what he plans to do when he is unable to look after himself.
I assume as you are posting he is getting elderly? If so he needs to be future proofing his life.

Fuwari · 15/03/2023 07:32

Zero. My dad is already dead so that’s not an issue. My mum neglected then abandoned me so hell will freeze over before I do anything for her. It’s the one positive I am now seeing from my shitty childhood. I’m in my 50s so many of my friends are now spending huge amounts of time caring for elderly parents. For some I have seen it taking them near breaking point, so I am somewhat relieved I have no responsibilities in that way.

shrunkenhead · 15/03/2023 07:35

This is something I've been thinking about a lot lately as my parents are getting older. I live hundreds of miles away, work full time and have children (and a husband). Am I expected to give up work and move back in with them when they can no longer look after themselves???? I can't afford to give up work as we need two incomes to pay the mortgage and bills. I have a sibling who lives closer but feel the burden will still fall on me.
The alternative is carers or a home which I know they wouldn't be happy about. Also who pays for it all? I couldn't afford it and they seem to think the house will go to me and my sister when they die (so no plans of selling it to pay for their care if needed prior to dying) and know they're probably expecting to leave us their savings too.
So watching this thread with interest.

KnittingNeedles · 15/03/2023 07:36

Currently in this situation and with all due respect with those who have parents who are fit and healthy and with all their faculties, you just don't know what lies ahead.

My dad has gone in 5 years from an independent person living a full and healthy life to someone who needs supervision 24/7 and help with basic tasks like getting dressed because of dementia. It is incredibly difficult and in order to do the "looking after" it would mean either me or my sibling being there all the time. And I don't mean "popping in" once a week or even for an hour a day. I mean ALL the time.

It's all very well having this idealised notion of looking after meaning making them cups of tea and running them to Tesco. But caring for many elderly people with dementia means dealing with anxiety, paranoia, being sworn at, dealing with a distressed parent asking for their mum, dealing with incontinence.

It's also very clear that parents who say "don't ever put me in a home" or "I expect you to care for me" have little to no idea what might lie ahead for them.

Cosyblankets · 15/03/2023 07:38

shrunkenhead · 15/03/2023 07:35

This is something I've been thinking about a lot lately as my parents are getting older. I live hundreds of miles away, work full time and have children (and a husband). Am I expected to give up work and move back in with them when they can no longer look after themselves???? I can't afford to give up work as we need two incomes to pay the mortgage and bills. I have a sibling who lives closer but feel the burden will still fall on me.
The alternative is carers or a home which I know they wouldn't be happy about. Also who pays for it all? I couldn't afford it and they seem to think the house will go to me and my sister when they die (so no plans of selling it to pay for their care if needed prior to dying) and know they're probably expecting to leave us their savings too.
So watching this thread with interest.

If they have the savings and a house it's not up to them who pays for it though.

Overthebloodymoon · 15/03/2023 07:40

Some but I also think it’s incumbent upon people to plan as they get older. Seen so many older relatives do nothing and then end up in unsuitable housing or struggling along. PIL are like this now. Won’t downsize, don’t put me in a home etc. Well, what do they expect us to do? We live miles away and BIL is abroad. Certainly happy to help out and advocate but won’t become a carer.

waterlego · 15/03/2023 07:41

My parents died before they got old so I didn’t have to make this decision. But I did help them a lot when they were reviving palliative care, and I would have looked after them in old age if it had been needed. (Though I suspect they would have refused and would have paid for care).

I have in-laws who are lovely and live just round the corner. I will help as needed (up to a point) when their time comes.

Londonnight · 15/03/2023 07:44

Parents mid 80's. They certainly have never expected me to care for them in their old age, but I do it out of love for them.
The majority of any help comes from me as my siblings live abroad.

Allblackeverythingalways · 15/03/2023 07:44

Dad, zero.
He was a feckless twat and has put me down as NOK because my brother is NC. He's in for a shock quite frankly.
Mum, minimal. I had a shitty, neglectful childhood. I'll not be supporting in her second childhood.
They don't deserve my care.

AbsoIutelyLovely · 15/03/2023 07:44

Three years ago both my parents were in fine form especially my mum. Now she’s dead and my dads in a home. The elderly can deteriorate alarmingly fast.

if there’s anybody who has to move. It should absolutely be the parent
not the other way around.

shrunkenhead · 15/03/2023 07:45

@Cosyblankets I know, that's what I meant they'd be expected to pay for their own care with money/assets intended for their children so they won't want that (not because they're tight but because they see it as they've worked hard all their lives and want to ensure we're OK when they die) which leaves the only option of them staying put and me looking after them....that's what worries me! To make it even harder to get out of I can even see them coming up with the plan of "paying" me so I'm not out of pocket and could still afford mortgage, bills etc to move and look after them....

Tinkeytonkoldfruit · 15/03/2023 07:46

I don't know what my parents expect of me but I won't be able to practically or emotionally offer high levels of care. I have complicated relationships with them both and I while I probably do love them both, there is a level of toxicity in the relationship which has resulted in me putting in firm boundaries. My DB lives a good few hours away too.

Tinkerbyebye · 15/03/2023 07:47

I do a lot for my remaining parent, more than my sisters but I have made it clear I won’t be providing any personal care that will have to come from carers or moving into a home if necessary, but they are nearly 90 and still very capable

Original poster
myusernamed · 15/03/2023 07:49

It's a tricky one isn't it.

OP posts:
MyBloodyMaryneedsmoreTabasco · 15/03/2023 07:49

I don't think "responsibility" is necessarily the right word. As a pp said, it's my dad, I'd do it for him, not because I felt obligation to. Additionally he would hate carers so unless I absolutely cannot do it myself, I would not want anyone else to. It would be the last kindnesses as his daughter really. A few years off hopefully.

BlueRadiator · 15/03/2023 07:49

I won’t be doing a thing ! My siblings can do it all the whole lot for our mother

She emotionally and physically abused me and even to this day tries to sabotage my life so they can have the pleasure. I’m not even getting any inheritance so she can rot as far as I’m concerned. I hope she’s hard work for them both too after they stood by and never helped me

mexicanabanana · 15/03/2023 07:49

None! Your reap what you sow. I was too young to feed, wash myself, they’ll be too old. I take good care of my elderly PILs though. Apparently my DH had a blessed childhood, so I am happy to help them when they need it.

Timeforachangeisitnot · 15/03/2023 07:50

My siblings and I supported our parents before they died -they were both ill physically, though not mentally , and we knew the time was limited. It was hard though as it can take over your life and other things/ people fall by the wayside.

My MIL was a different story. Needed and expected a lot of help and for various reasons, proximity in the main, DH & I got dragged into it during Covid The care became progressively harder and more personal, more intimate than I had ever agreed to provide. I am still resentful of the toll it took on us.

Once you start down that path it can be very hard to break away.

So, my advice would be to give it thought now , decide where your personal line is, and when the time comes, engage with services ( GP, OT, SS) very quickly.

Totally agree with @BreadwinneBaker .