How much responsibility do you feel to look after parents in old age?

[myusernamed]

As the title says.

Do your parents talk about when they are old and what they might expect from you in terms of looking after them?

Do you feel a sense of responsibility for looking after them in old age?

There is only me and my sister and she now lives a few hours away. I automatically feel as though I will be responsible for sorting stuff out.

Father often says he will never go into a home - like it's up to me to make sure that doesn't happen.

Does anyone else feel this expectation?

It gave me a bit of a surprise recently when a few of my friends said they've never had to care for their parents like I do. I thought everyone had to do it.

It means I can't work full time and am always running around stressed out.

Not going into care homes does come with quite a lot of risks you're probably unable to eliminate even if you live close-by

Quite. They're not safe in care homes either, unfortunately. My mum got up in the middle of the night, wandered about silently, went unheard by the night staff and managed to get herself onto the stairs which she fell down. Bumped her head and advanced the dementia to the end - died 3 weeks later. Terrible upset for everyone, care home included, had to go through an I quest, discussion with Social Services etc. She needed to be in a home but it killed her prematurely.

@iwishiwasonacruise 💐for you, sorry for your loss. I’m sure your mum knew how much you loved her. Try not to feel guilty (easier said than done, I know) you sound like a lovely daughter.

I have some experience of caring for my much loved mum before she died a couple of years ago. She was a fantastic mum & granny, unconditionally loving and supportive of us all and I miss her dreadfully. Her illness was brutal and those months of caring were horrendous and nearly broke me, and of course affected everyone in the family. I had my own cancer diagnosis a year or so ago, and believe the stress of that time is at least partially responsible. I have immense sympathy for those caring for loved ones for years at a time.

Lots of wise words on this thread from people with experience of caring for their loved ones. ❤️ to everyone coping with this.

I do think that caring for someone sometimes means making the hardest decisions. And not always the ones agreed upon when the person was younger/fitter/less ill. Sometimes those can mean taking the person into your own home, sometimes it means finding care either in the home or in a care home.

I have a friend whose mum would forget to use toilet paper and would then smear the poo all over the loo, handle to the door, walls and towel (she forgot to wash her hands but remembered to dry). A friend's family member was having to lift his wife (who had a stroke) onto the loo at the age of 75. Even with family help the constant 24 hour care can be very hard. It's no failure to admit defeat. Care home staff get to go home - my friend and my other friend's FIL couldn't do that. The lack of rest can take its toll on the ones 'left behind' in caring.

All we can ever do is our best and that can sometimes mean taking hard decisions. It's what we do with our children and it's what they may have to do with us. No one should feel guilty or be made to feel guilty as we can never walk in each others shoes.

Great post London. Yes it can be very difficult. Nobody should judge. While we helped we our dad nobody could do it long term then lack of sleep going into your job. Something gives in the end.

My parents are like yours. Although I reckon my DF is the type to top himself if was still able if he was facing a situation of long-term care and decline.

Actually now that I think about it nobody in any side of my family has ever been in a nursing or residential home at all (so far) (at least as far back as my great grandparents anyway).

Thankfully I am one of 3 and we all live local to each other and my DPs at least. DH, DB and DF are all HCPs which helps too.

Yes this is the case for my DPs with this attitude. They still support us all in many ways now that we are all adults. They expect they would be supported in turn if they needed. And I think that's a reasonable expectation, as far as we (me and siblings) can manage if the time comes. They devoted themselves to us all, they still do.

I’m expecting to do near to nothing. We’ve had no help from them with our DC when we were both working and juggling. Both sets of parents live about 3 hours away. We see my dad about twice a year for a flying visit (no help when here) and PIL once a month (nearly no help when here, maybe read 1 DC a bedtime story 🙄).

My dad can fund his own care. PIL retired at 60 “because that’s when people retire” despite having little in the way of pension savings and a small bungalow that can’t be downsized. They do prioritise bucket list holidays. They seem older now at 75, but they’ve made clear what they prioritise and it hasn’t been helping family. So quid pro quo.

I’ll be spending my 50s prioritising our DC. DH is welcome to do anything he fancies to help his parents, but I doubt that will amount to much, as it’s always been down to me to arrange cards and presents for any occasion… somehow I can’t see him nipping up the A1 to make meals or help with care!! 😂

It's the sheer amount of time it takes to do something as a carer that I don't think people may understand until they have done it themselves. My mum had dementia and for the last few years of her life was more or less continent. She needed help getting on and off the loo and was wheelchair bound. It would take upwards of 30 minutes every time she needed a wee because once I had got her out of her wheelchair, and safely on the loo she would forget what she was there for, have a little sleep and then when she was sure she had finished would get 3 sheets of toilet paper and fold them in half, in half again, and again, then perhaps use them or more likely start again with another 3 sheets. Every process was slow.

There were phone calls through the night while she could still use the phone, and when she couldn't use it anymore she would scream out to my brother to ring me.

I have a brother and culturally there is an expectation that he will take on that responsibility. I live 4 hours away so wouldn't be of much help practically but would be willing to help with groceries or bills.

I do not want to care for mil. She doesn't help me out whereas she does sil so they can do it. I have no issues with dh doing whatever he wants to help his mum but I won't commit to physical care. I know that makes me sound horrible but she favours bil over my dh and their kids so I have less time for her.

I'm not sure many of you are very realistic. My father 93 has plenty of money for care but he didnt have the confidence, wherewithal or know how to sort his own care living independently. We had to arrange everything - which is not straightforward at all - I hope you're not thinking we have a simple to navigate social care system in this country even for self funders.

Then add in confusion, determination that they don't need extra care and the health crises - the falls, acute health crisis, and ambulances called for emergencies. I've spent countless evenings in A&E, and then battling to prevent my Dad being admitted and trying to get him discharged. Money won't prevent any of that. My Dad had care morning and night but fell (because of low blood pressure) 3 or 4 times a week, smashing furniture as he went. And then, beyond all of the physical ailments remember the loneliness. After his wife (my beloved mum) died my poor Dad needed more of his children's company - paid for company is not enough.

But till you have to be on call enjoy your freedom. I moved from caring for my kids and seeing them off to uni to spending more and more time looking after my Dad. When he goes I won't have any guilt - I've absolutely been there for him - for kindly chat and for the crises. We do what's right. I dont resent it for a minute.

Well, my parents are both dead, so not much… but my DM did express on several occasions that when DH and I moved out of London she was very indignant that we did not move to be closer to her so that I could look after her in her dotage. But then she died, so that turned out to have been the right decision for us!

However, my PILs have recently moved to be closer to us so that they can help out a bit with the DC, and DH and I are aware that the upshot of that is that we will need to take care of them in turn when the need arises.

Not going into care homes does come with quite a lot of risks you're probably unable to eliminate even if you live close-by

Here are some of the risks from going into a care home:

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2023/mar/27/social-care-britain-business-plan-elderly-mistreated-homes-profit

Exactly the opposite in my family. My parents always said they would not want or allow me or my siblings to compromise our own lives/plans to look after them in their old age. My Mum passed away and Dad is living with my sister but has private carers that come in daily (thankfully he can afford them) so he has been able to stay at home.

I supported my dad a lot when he was dying, in terms of advice, planning but he was relatively young and fit until the end (cancer 😓)

I now support my mum who has multiple serious health issues and is incredibly stubborn/ neglects herself and refuses most help. This will only get more tricky with time. I love her, she was a wonderful loving mum in my childhood but has become very withdrawn and difficult as she has got older. I will support her as much as I can.

I'm still in my thirties and most of my peers are still relying on their parents for childcare/help. It's not been easy balancing life with young children and ill/ elderly parents.

DBro and I jokingly fight over who gets mum and dad when they are old (as in we both want them!)

Culturally lots of people have an elderly gran at home/or nearby and pop in every day.

My df, none. We were estranged by the time I was 16.

My dm, I paid her gas bill and took her shopping occasionally. Used to see her maybe once every 8 weeks. She lived at home, independently until about 2 weeks before she died. I spent 7 of the last 14 days at her bed side. I was there if she called.

Damned if you do and damned if you don't I think. Mum stayed in her own home til death. Her advanced dementia meant that the last few months of her life she was in bed staring at the ceiling of her room with a carer coming for 36 hours a week and me there too keeping the bills paid etc. she stopped eating really about 3 months before she died. She would take a tiny mouthful but shake her head and really only wanted warm tea or water. She was clearly dying and had a peace plan, which meant no more antibiotics or hospital admissions.

District nurses came every day to change her dressings on her ulcers. A week before she died I was called round and given a bollocking from the district nurses who told me she was getting too thin and not enough nutrition to 'thrive'. I was told to make nutritious casseroles, blend them and get them down her any way I could. She died a week later with me feeling I had let her down.

Exactly what is the POINT of sharing that article on a thread full of posters - me included - who are laying out the reality of dealing with a very frail parent or a parent with advanced dementia? Are you trying to make us feel guilty for "putting mum into a home"? Inadequate for not being able to cope at home? Or are you just being an insensitive, goady fucker who didn't actually read any of the posts and just thought they'd made a political point?

I was replying to a pp, who said there are risks to not sending someone to a care home. Actually, I was pointing out, there are risks to care homes too. I think some posters are naive, because they seem to think their parents can afford to pay for a care home, and that will take care of everything. Exactly what is the POINT of sharing that article on a thread full of posters - me included - who are laying out the reality of dealing with a very frail parent or a parent with advanced dementia? Are you trying to make us feel guilty for "putting mum into a home"? Inadequate for not being able to cope at home? Or are you just being an insensitive, goady fucker who didn't actually read any of the posts and just thought they'd made a political point?*

I have a DD, who lives in a care home because she needs 1:1 care all her waking hours, on-site consultant care and a medical centre 24/7. She is too complex for a care home, with just a team of nurses and local GP. She comes home 30% of the time.

MIL has just died, after being sent for four weeks, to a care home for the elderly by social services, for rehabilitation, hopefully to enable her to return home with an enhanced care package.

So, no I am not making a political point, I am writing with years of experience of watching how care homes work; and listening to social workers, and friends, who have either worked in them or visited their parents every day. Social Services go to visit DD every 6 months and then they give me their professional opinions orally and comprehensively in writing. Some posters are naive imo, and seem to think as their parents can afford a care home, that will take care of everything. Imo, relatives still need to coordinate things like finances, benefits, etc and keep a watchful eye. Some care homes are very good and some aren’t. As an adult, I would have thought you would prefer to be forewarned, and forearmed? You didn’t have to read the article; it was pretty obvious from the link what it was about. Personally, I’d prefer to know what to look out for, rather than find out the hard way through hindsight.

This is completely correct. When we looked around care homes we were very cautious and vigilant about how they all interacted and I even asked a few residents. One man shook his head and said “don’t come here”. I ever asked any further than that. I would say well as well that they’re not all the same and unfortunately money does give you better options. My dad is in a fantastic one but is £7k a month and he has a lot of money.

You do need to seem very present I think, no daily or anything but frequent calls etc like hospitals. If you’re loved one is in one, they are much more on the ball if they know the relatives are on the ball.

I would also add that having cared for my mum for a few months in my home before she died. It’s truly exhausting. Just the burden of having to notice anything amiss, it honestly felt like a full time job. Getting showered and dressed used to take me an hour for example. I’m glad I was able to do that for her but I couldn’t have managed without my husband and two very helpful and caring children. I will admit the times she was in hospital it almost felt like a break for me. Mentally above everything else.

*Yes, DH wants to refuse to pay the care home fees; although MIL had only been there a few weeks and they hadn’t charged her; before they sent her to hospital. She left hospital with CKD level 3 and went back with sepsis and CKD level 5. The staff told us, it was the worst kidney function they had ever seen; and they wondered how long she’d been left without food and drink by the care home.

We had the suspicion, they decided she was over a certain age, and put her on the Liverpool care pathway, without any consultation with anyone else!*

Have you read my posts - that is mine about MIL on the Care Home Neglect thread, started by someone else, shocked at the neglect of her mother. CKD is chronic kidney disease. The hospital staff could not believe how downhill MIL had gone in a month, from them discharging her the first time into a care home. The consultant at the hospital called me in, while I and DC were visiting her, after she had been re admitted with sepsis, to say MIL’s kidney function was 5% and that meant dialysis, however she was too frail for that. She was going to die, and the choice for the family was where - at her home or the hospital? She died the next morning.

Do you really think, after her funeral on Friday, someone I’d known for 37 years, I’d be bothered with making political points? I don’t want to see that happen to any elderly person, especially one who’d worked hard all her life to care for her family!

It looks like my mum.has degenerative brain condition but dispite repeated efforts I can't 1) get dm to share info with me or allow me to accompany her to hospital visits 2) convince my sibling that mum might be losing capacity. I feel that in the months since I have known this I'm making myself stressed just trying to raise concern in mum or sibling to deal with the nhs consultants. I was going to try to get lpo for mum but I feel like I'm already flogging a dead horse. Where do you even start when everyone is in denial? I'm currently wondering if I want to continue getting stressed when no one else is yet.

DM and FiL had dementia - FiL came to live with us for about a year until I simply couldn’t cope any more (we’d had no idea what dementia could involve - talk about blissful ignorance!) and he moved to a care home.

When it came to my DM some years later there was no way she was moving in (I loved her but she was never the easiest person anyway) but supported her as far as poss, visiting and staying over, until she simply wasn’t safe to be left alone at all any more - again time for a care home.

After many years of all this, there absolutely no way I ever want dds to look after me - I will pay for care if and when needed. I hope I will never be a worry and a burden to them.