How much responsibility do you feel to look after parents in old age?

[myusernamed]

As the title says.

Do your parents talk about when they are old and what they might expect from you in terms of looking after them?

Do you feel a sense of responsibility for looking after them in old age?

There is only me and my sister and she now lives a few hours away. I automatically feel as though I will be responsible for sorting stuff out.

Father often says he will never go into a home - like it's up to me to make sure that doesn't happen.

Does anyone else feel this expectation?

My parents have told me and my siblings to put pillows over their faces. Lol, obviously a joke but my dad has always said to me the best thing parents can do for their children is to not “linger”

Think he is a just a realist.

This. It is so dependent on how your relationship was with them growing up. I did help
My dad care for my late mum at home for a year before she died. It certainly wasn't expected but I'm glad I did.

Ha, mine are exactly the same.

My parents were rubbish when I was a kid, my mum still is (alcoholic lying manipulative narc) whilst my dad has really turned it round and been amazing for the last decade when I have really needed some support.

So the golden kids of the family had best be looking out for my mum because I won’t be, but I’ll be there for my dad.

My dad also used to say he'd never go into a home but thats not always realistic. He ended up with dementia and was getting up in the middle of the night trying to wander out of the house etc He'd also try to put scissors in plug sockets and leave the oven on and multiple other dangerous things. I could not practically work , look after my young kids and stay up all night long aswell to ensure his safety so he did go into a home. I'm an only child so I did feel it was my responsibility to ensure his safety and I found an excellent home for him. However, I didnt feel it was my responsibility to have to stay up 24/7 to watch him all the time as thats not practical for anyone to physically do. I would have had a nervous breakdown trying to do that and I also have a responsibility towards myself and to keep myself healthy and well so that I can be there for my children. You cannot be personally responsible for absolutely everyone and everything in life- you arent super human and me having a breakdown is hardly going to help anyone.

Totally agree, @Thighlengthboots. I think many people on this thread have a romanticised idea of what caring actually is. Are they really prepared to give up work and let their own kids/husband fend for themselves for months and years? Because that is the reality of being a carer for a frail elderly person, or someone with dementia.

Yes very much so. Despite having a very fraught upbringing and a lot of emotional neglect, I am now seen as the one (older sister of 2 siblings) to give care to ailing parents.
My parents refused to move closer to us when they were well enough, now they are too ill to move (apparently) so they’re a 2.5h each way journey away.
They refuse any form of paid respite despite being able to afford it. They refuse to move to a more practical property or location. They refuse to use things like smartphones or tech that would help them. They say they will never go into care homes. They expect me to drop my life/kids/responsibilities and provide respite care to them. I suggested we “pull together as a family” eg my brother pitches in with childcare to release me to care for them. Was like I’d suggested president Putin take care of them instead.
There is this constant undertow of feeling I haven’t done enough for them, when they really did the absolute bare minimum for me. Any attempt to discuss this with my mother results in her acting like a persecuted child.

I do think if you have siblings everybody needs to get together and have a proper conversation about what is going to happen. All cards on the table. It's often super hard to divide the responsibilities equally, and is dictated by individual circumstances. My sister takes on most of the responsibility for our mum because I have much smaller children and I work full-time, but in a few years I'm hoping DM will move closer to me so that I can take a turn.

My mother is dead. I have a complicated relationship with my dad. He's not always been a great parent, although sometimes his behaviour is so strange, I wonder if he has some sort of disability or special need. Irrespective of that, he has been very abusive and aggressive towards me. I don't feel a lot of responsibility towards him. I'll help organise the home he has to go to but there is no chance he can live with me. Why would I invite someone who has abused me into my home? That's as far as it will go for me. I have a brother too and I'm not some martyr, so I'll only be matching what he does in terms of visits. Harsh but he's said some terrible things to me, as a child and an adult.

Exactly. I loved my dad very much but I could not possibly have watched him 24/7 - when would I get to sleep?! Its very easy to say when your parents are well, "I'd never put them in a home" but who can literally stay up all night long and during the day too to ensure they are safe. Not to mention changing incontinence pads, washing, dressing, feeding and additionally, some people get very aggressive when they have dementia. There is "helping"- which is shopping, taking them to doctors appointments etc and there is "caring" which often giving up your job (who can afford that in this climate?) and what happens if you have children too? I think a lot of people are in for an almighty shock when it actually comes to that time, sadly.

DM has made decisions over many years that result in her now being elderly, in an unsuitable house of hoard where she's now too embarrassed to let anyone other than DB in. There's not even a suitable sofa to sit on when visiting. I'm not in popping-in distance although not excessively far either. I have to prioritise my own young DCs, one of whom is ND and the other who's had a barrage of health issues in the past year.

She hasn't exactly facilitated the situation.

We've been set on a pathway of reacting to any crises that will develop. Her own mother was fairly similar and had a fairly abrupt passing with a short illness and a fall.

MiL lived in a much more suitable property which meant that she could live independently for as long as possible, with a care package for much of the last 18m and the final months in a care setting. The load was more evenly spread and legal powers such as PoA established many years before they were likely to be required. The siblings worked well at managing the final years within their capacities.

@KnittingNeedles absolutely! It's not just popping in to run the vac around once a week and make a brew it is likely to seriously impact your own family.

I feel terrible for even thinking it but I just hope for everyone's sake that when the time comes they go swiftly, like my dh's parents did with no long drawn out illness/suffering.

I know I sound so harsh and wish I could say "they're my parents, I'd do anything for them" etc etc but I'm just trying to be practical.

This.
I see a lot of posts on social media along the lines of I'll never put them in a home etc. They really have no idea. I no longer have my parents. I did as much as I could but when someone is falling in the night a few times a week, they live in a one bed flat with nowhere for you to sleep and the bedrooms and bathroom in your own house are all upstairs what exactly are you supposed to do? I have another relative with carers at the minute who is paying for a full home care package 2 carers 4 times a day. Family circumstances mean that is me who gets the phone calls when anything goes wrong etc. It's hard. Until you've been there It's easy and idealistic to say that you'd look after them.

Some but I also think it’s incumbent upon people to plan as they get older.

What do you mean by this? What plans should they put in place?

When it comes to care and support you will not know what you need till you need it, so it is very hard to plan.

I am a grandma, my OH has died (I cared for him at home, then he needed a nursing home) and two of my AC live locally. They do not need to do anything for me at present - we just socialise and have fun together. But when it comes to a point where I cannot manage by myself it will be my choice not to have them look after me - they know this. I will be happy to see them and enjoy their company but I do not expect them to look after me. They know this.

No. I put in boundaries early. I'm the only sibling who lives close by.

Both my siblings do shopping and all other deliveries. They pay bills and talk to Sky etc.

I visit a couple of times a week - just to visit. Carers and a cleaner go in the rest of the time.

I arranged this all pretty early on so it didn't all fall to me. Which included not visiting for a month so they realised they needed help that I'm can't/am not willing to provide.

They are great people who I love very much, but I'm not a carer.

None, they were pretty awful though, haven’t spoken in years and I’m better for it.

@Mischance people can downsize their house. A relative of mine lives in one room of a big house because they refused to move.
Other relatives have recently moved to a bungalow because the maintenence of their previous house was getting too much for them. They're already finding life easier with no stairs and less cleaning etc.

I think for some people it's tied up with the expectation to bequeath/inherit. If people have savings or a house or both, then they can pay for their care. I never understand the outrage some people feel about this.

I don't feel a sense of duty . My dad has passed away but my mum always put her own interests first when we were kids and in big ways so I'm not going out my way to be a carer when / if she needs help later .

I will help my Dad liquid his assets & find a suitable home if it comes to that.

None.
They were decent parents. No better or worse than most in the 80s and 90s. They helped me with uni and with childcare, so if you tally it up, then yes, I probably owe them. But I seem to be devoid off that sense of responsibility to my parents that so many women seem to have. I don't even feel guilty about it.

Maybe I'm a man.

I do not nor do my parents expect my sister and I to take care of them. They had caring responsibilities with my maternal grandparents when my sister was in secondary and I was living about 5 hours away. Having to be responsible for two grown adults, one who was wheelchair bound and the other having Alzheimer’s and eventually needing to be placed in nursing home (expensive but necessary), brought in the realties of how difficult caring can be especially with two adults working and a teen in secondary and working as well. I also moved back for about a year to help out since my sister was going off to uni and it would have been too much to manage for my parents. They did pass and it was a relief it for my parents after doing it for years and it effecting a lot of what they could and couldn’t do. My mother misses her parents, of course, but the stress and the impact it had on her especially physically, mentally, and emotionally was immense and neither of my parents want to put that on my sister and I. My sister has her own business and home and lives 11 hours drive from them and I live in another country with my husband and two children, one who is autistic and says few words.

My Dad has already died. My dm spent her 30s and 40s - years during which her parents became frail and she was left managing the burden, telling me to put her in a home if this became our future. Now she is late 60s, she's rowing back hard on that and talking about the horror of care homes. So, I don't know.

My mum is mid 70’s and in good health, she’s very active and attends la few groups and clubs through the week.

my mum did an amazing job bringing my brother and I up after my fathers death when she was only 32 and I was 4. So I will do my best to support and care for her if needed. Whether that be at home or in a care home, it depends on her needs, Unfortunately my brother is a waste of space so it will all be up to me .

I'm stuck with the caring role since my sister decided to move overseas.

I feel a lot of resentment towards her because she was always the one who had their support when she was growing up, financial help in her 20s and with childcare when her DC were little. Now she's buggered off and left me to deal with all this mess as they get older.

My mum was emotionally distant when we were kids and dad worked away so I don't think we have a close relationship but I feel obliged to do it. They refuse to downsize or get more care in even though they have money on the bank.

It's exhausting and I hate it.