How much responsibility do you feel to look after parents in old age?

[myusernamed]

As the title says.

Do your parents talk about when they are old and what they might expect from you in terms of looking after them?

Do you feel a sense of responsibility for looking after them in old age?

There is only me and my sister and she now lives a few hours away. I automatically feel as though I will be responsible for sorting stuff out.

Father often says he will never go into a home - like it's up to me to make sure that doesn't happen.

Does anyone else feel this expectation?

Forgot to add that I also resent the idea of being a carer as it always seems to fall on females as default. Not sure how many men end up as carers to their parents (not saying it doesn’t happen).

Not a huge amount. My grandad died with very bad dementia and my mum has always said that if she ever gets unwell (with dementia or anything else that requires a reasonable amount of care) we're to put her straight in a home. If she gets dementia and stops recognising us, we're to put her in a home and walk away. She's been very clear.

We'l have discussed this. We are fortunate there is four children and sil is a qualified nurse. She has offered to help out practically and to advise us on private carer.

The expectation is if there is no medical nor serious mental capacity need to support my mother at home. One week each a month with weekends rotateed

We supported my mum and siblings caring for their parents so we appreciate the work involved.

Can I just say that not all homes are terrible places.

After FIL died MIL was not really happy living on her own. Especially in winter with the long dark nights. She was over 90 but still quite capable of cooking and caring for herself. DH and I lived over three hours from her so a lot fell to my SIL. However, we did visit every two weeks and would take her for a big shop, I would have a go at the bigger cleaning jobs and DH would do the garden, maintenance, etc. We would also bring her to stay with us for two weeks several times a year.

Due to a mess up it turned out that both SIL and us would be unavailable for a week. MIL decided to take herself off to a home where a friend was living, while we were away. She loved it and never went back home apart from deciding what she wanted to take with her.

The staff were wonderful and the activities amazing. There was an onsite hairdresser she could just wander along to. Someone even took her to church on a Sunday which was important to her. There was always a choice on the menu and you could have wine/beer with your meal if you wanted it. If you were hungry at other times the kitchen would always provide something. She was extremely happy there and wished she had moved sooner. Unfortunately she developed a chest infection and sadly passed away but she couldn't have had a better last few years.

Oh, and by the way. She always used to say she had children to watch them grow and make their own way in the world, not a potential nursemaids. She had cared for her father at home and it nearly broke her. She was a wonderful woman and I miss her dearly.

Place marking to read later as I’m in a similar position 😬

Yes, I do see it as my responsibility but then I was lucky enough to have a healthy upbringing and we're a close family. Interestingly though, one of my siblings does not see it as his responsibility at all. He lets me do it all and shows very little interest. I think if I wasn't here, he'd be in for quite the shock!

My mother expects her family to look after her - it’s her right apparently. I cared for my husband when he was terminally ill and I’m not repeating the process with a woman who couldn’t be bothered attending his funeral.

id never expect my two sons to care for me - it’s no one’s right to demand care from their family. If the family want to do it that’s fine but being a carer is hard - it’s draining and depressing and difficult enough if you love the person - not all of us have that relationship with parents.

I've been clear with my dc that I am going to do my own thing if I feel my quality of life is starting to go or I became reliant for help. Not wait until I can't look after myself.
They know what I mean and we have talked at length about it. They accept that is my choice even though it may seem selfish to others, I'm not going to be a burden, I'm happy with my decision and have made my peace with it.

This. Some people on this thread really seem to have no idea. My mum had dementia. We looked after her at home as long as we could but it just became impossible. She’d be awake shouting all night. And what is the point when they no longer recognise it as their home and they keep asking to go home by which they mean their childhood home.

My MIL didn’t have dementia, but she started falling in her home and broke her hip. She flatly refused to consider any other kind of living arrangement, including living with us. She had carers come in five times a day but they couldn’t keep her hydrated, fed, medicated and clean. She got water infections all the time. DH was run ragged rushing up and down to her - she lived 200 miles away.

I could have written this word for word - solidarity xx

I'm lucky that my Mum is only 20 years older than me so I see this as something which is a long way off. Hopefully, my kids will be in their 30's by the time my Mum needs care / help and I will be approaching retirement myself so ought should have time, money and space to help if needed. My inlaws are older but a few hours from us and live closer to my sil so they might need to rely on her more. Neither my Mum or inlaws have said they expect help.

I get this. But I am presuming in this case there would be lots of people/siblings to share the burden? As an only child, for me looking after my dad it meant working (which I have to do to pay bills/mortgage), looking after my own kids and also watching my dad 24/7 who had dementia and couldnt be left for even an hour alone. Thats impossible for one person to do all at once- its absolutely not physically possible. If you have say, 6 siblings who are all doing their equal share it would be more feasible but not everyone has this. Even those with siblings often find its all on them to do the caring because their siblings live abroad or far away or even say no.

None whatsoever. People shouldn’t have children so they are cared for in old age. We don’t want our children caring for us, either.

My dc is 29 he has made it quite plain he is not running about after me when I'm old . He is encouraging me to downsize and declutter now . I don't blame him . In fact I appreciate his honesty. He says it's my money not his and if I have to spend it on care and he ends up with no inheritance so be it .

People with cultures that "don't have old people's homes" - maybe not, but you DO have hospitals. It is quite one thing having an older, frail person who is relatively healthy and just needs a bit of company and perhaps a stairlift.

It is an entirely different thing having an elderly person with complex medical needs who requires someone with them every moment of the day and night.

None. Don't deserve it

Lost my dad suddenly last november. Both siblings live too far away to help with my mum so it will be down to me. Shes not too bad at the moment, 79 but cant walk very well needs both knees replaced but im thinking already about the future.

I want to move but cant go to any of the places i want to now because i have to be near. Sort of grates that both my siblings will not have the responsibility of it

My parents are mid-late sixties, they live in a bungalow within 5-15 minutes from their dc. Shops are a 2 minute walk. I think they can be fairly self sufficient for many years. I don't feel any pressure to care but I 100% would/will when it comes to it.

My FiL lives in another part of the uk and is mid 70's. Has said for years that he will not go into a home but has made no provision to support his later years. Lives in a big 5 bed detached house with large garden that's getting too much to manage. We've been trying to encourage him to downsize to a bungalow but he's sticking head in the sand. Dh and I would have him live with us (would have to build an annexe) but it would mean him moving to our area which he doesn't want to do.

It's not that I feel SHOULD look after my parents but I want to! However it's actually impossible to offer day today help as I'm hundreds of miles away. There is sadly no option for me to move near them or vice versa. We've looked in to it but it won't work. So I'm unable to offer much help but really wish I could be there to help around the house, do their shopping, help my mum when my dad falls over etc.

DF (with partner) always says he never wants to be a burden and DM (single) has saved enough funds to pay for care. DF is hundreds of miles away. In reality if he started to demise and I knew time was limited I will visit more. If they couldn't manage I'd have a think. DM I'd happily take on some responsibility of seeing her more and popping in, but I work full time so I'd have to be realistic. There is help out there but depends on whether you have money, the quality and the time you have. Once you start doing everything it is hard to stop as I think social care will see you as the provider.

Zero. They were not good parents or good people and I’ve been NC for several years.

on the other hand, only my DH’s mum is still alive and I’ll do absolutely everything I can to keep her out of care. She’s exactly the mother I wish I’d had and always there for us. Realistically my DH would not make a great career so I know it will likely fall to me and I’m more than happy to support her. There are other siblings who will also definitely help.

I’ve been expected to look after my dad since I
was a child.

My mum died when I was 11 he was older than her, but still only 58 himself. He played the poor old man card even then. I was expected to always look after him.

I was never allowed to have a life, never encouraged to study, I had to stay near him. Had my own family and he still had to be centre of everything.

He never had a life of his own, wouldn’t make any friends because if he did, he wouldn’t be able to make me feel sorry for him.

I’ve always been a sahm but I got a job once and he went mental as it meant he couldn’t come over in the afternoons. i had to leave it because of the stress he put me under.

He’s got dementia now he’s in his late 80s, I am 43 and it’s killing me. I tied having him live with us but he nearly burnt down the house one night. He’s in a care home and he hates me for it.

He always said “you’d never stick me in a home, you’ll take care of me”.

I couldn’t. My youngest is 2. I couldn’t keep cleaning up his shit, being up all night while he walked around the house screaming. Me and dh taking shifts to watch him 24/7 so he didn’t walk out of the house. It was hell.

I won’t ever do that to my children. I didn’t have them to take care of me.

Sometimes you could be a carer at a very young age to parents, my mum developed dementia at a young age about 40. Not much was known in the 70s about this. She died age 52. To me caring for elderly parents in your 50s and 60s sounds very hard.❤️

My partner & I both work FT
We live several hours away
Covid made the distance untenable
Elderly parent refuses to relocate to our location

We are currently in the process of relocating. We cannot do our jobs at the new location, so we will need to find new jobs.

Not an easy situation

I had helped my DM look after ny DD when he had dementia.
She had a mini stroke at 79 and told me I was responsible for her now, as daughters have to but my brother didn't need to.
I could only offer two days a week but was told that wasn't enough.
Due to having a disabled husband and DS with learning disabilities who required more help, I couldn't offer more
My brother and his girlfriend did help as well.
She had three carers a day, I did shopping and cleaning for her. I also sorted out all bills and attended every appointment with her.
We tried to get her to move closer but a very stubborn relative had moved in with her to provide companionship and talked her out of it.
In the end she lost her Social Worker due to the many obstacles this relative put in place.