How much responsibility do you feel to look after parents in old age?

[myusernamed]

As the title says.

Do your parents talk about when they are old and what they might expect from you in terms of looking after them?

Do you feel a sense of responsibility for looking after them in old age?

There is only me and my sister and she now lives a few hours away. I automatically feel as though I will be responsible for sorting stuff out.

Father often says he will never go into a home - like it's up to me to make sure that doesn't happen.

Does anyone else feel this expectation?

Not just siblings but extended family, neighbours and wider community. There is simply no other option.

This. I kept mine at home until it became completely untenable. Then found the best care home money could buy.

I have a directive that states that, should I receive a diagnosis of dementia, all treatment of any condition is to be withheld. I’ve refused the pneumonia vaccination because it confers lifelong immunity. I’m hoping assisted dying will be legalised before I reach that point.

I do not have siblings to help

Neighbours have assisted in the past, but I feel that it is unfair, because they have their own family to support

Ì tried to encourage parent to downsize a few years ago & to do other proactive things, but they were not interested. Now time has passed & things have changed for the worse...

It wasn’t a judgment on the way things are done in the UK or a criticism of people. I’m literally answering the question on feelings of obligation to look after parents and thought my cultural experience of expectation might contribute something to the thread. I feel it’s been taken badly by some posters.

Hospitals in my country of origin will treat immediate, life threatening care in the elderly but long term complex needs are managed within the community as much as possible. Probably in many ways to the detriment of the patient and their families. But the expectations and feelings toward elderly people are quite different from the UK and their treatment reflects that.

I get that other countries do things differently. I just can't imagine the impact on women's lives (and it's always the women) having to take in the job of caring/nursing someone with very complex medical needs who just happens to be older.

Yes I do think it's the responsibility of children to take care of their parents. Not necessarily have them move in and become carers though. But, aside from the few posters who experienced neglect and abuse, who else will arrange things when they can no longer?

Well, I’m childless so will just have to plan ahead as best I can.

People always assume I am older too.

My dad is in his late 80s but I am 43.

So many times, I’ve had people say, “but you must be retired with your own children to help you”. Ha! My youngest is just 2!

Because of my dads age, people assume I’m in my 60s. But even if it was, why should it be ok for a 60 year old to run themselves into the
ground?

I don’t think people realise what dementia is like.

I’ve had people tell me what an awful person I am for putting my dad in a home. That they would have moved heaven and earth to moon after their parent.

I tried. I ended up suicidal. Where would my young children have been then?

People need to spend a day with someone with dementia. It’s not your lovely old grandma sitting in the corner drinking tea and napping. It’s a living hell for everyone.

Yes by and large, as a previous poster said, it disproportionally affects women and the least educated members of the family too. I think there’s an element of that the world over though. I worked, albeit briefly, in a care home a few years ago and the vast majority of visitors were daughters, sisters and wives. Men tended to visit their mums on their birthdays and Christmas but the rest of the year, it was women that bought in little treats, favourite chocolates, new socks / underwear etc and discussed care arrangements.

Your story is awful, that's just so sad. How dare people criticize you xx

I'm happy to do some admin from afar, but I'm never providing any hands-on care, and couldn't if I wanted to as I work full time and live 3 hours away.

I'm not having kids and will get myself organised early to ensure I'm in sensible accommodation and aware of what support services are available to me, should I need them.

I have to say I am genuinely shocked at the number of people on this thread who are both willing and able to quit their job tomorrow (if need be) and become a full time carer for their parent, possibly for a decade or more.

Despite this (presumably) requiring a current two-income household to drop to one, or a single-income household to lose the childcare and home-making provision of the person who was a SAHP and who has now become parental carer.

Equally there must be single parents also offering this full time care, losing their income and passing the care of their DC on to who exactly?

Caring is a full time, 24 hour job. It's messy, difficult, challenging, heartbreaking and exhausting (though yes, there can be rewarding elements too).

Proper care of a parent(s) with health conditions such as dementia would require the carer to be live-in; thus leaving their spouse/partner and DC behind (sadly the violence and unpredictability of dementia would make it unrealistic for them to share a home with DC). Possibly for years or even decades.

Are the posters saying they would care for their parents, honestly saying they would sacrifice their life with their spouse/partner AND children to do so? Or is it more that there's a hugely unrealistic view of what carers actually have to do on a day-to-day, hour-by-hour basis?

I'm watching this in my family now. My grandparents are 95 (amputee in a wheel chair, unable to get out of bed, in and out of wheelchair etc eithout help) and 97 (Alzehimers).

They are at home in own house, after recent hospitalisation for Covid Grandad (wheelchair) now has carers 4 times a day. Gran (Alzehimers, & verbally aggressive) has no care yet in place. They cannot be left alone for a minute. One of their adult kids - 3 out of 4 of whom are retired and in extremely poor health themselves - have to be there and do 24 hour shifts. Sibling dynamics were dreadful and are now worse but no one will face facts and arrange residential care.

It is a race to the bottom to see which of 3 of the siblings ends up in hospital first. One of these is my parent so fallout is now on me and sister.

It is hellish.

A lot. I'm an only child, no extended family so it's literally just me and my mum.
She is 78 and going strong fortunately.

I remember at MIL funeral the priest asked me about my mother and I said she had dementia. He asked if she still recognised me and when I said yes he said “so she’s living with you is she?” I’ll never forget the look on his face when I said she was in a home. He obviously thought she couldn’t be that bad and that I was shirking my duty. .The nature of my mother’s dementia was that although she recognised people she didn’t know where she was most of the time. Even her own home of 60 years+ was alien to her. “Home” to her was her childhood home. She couldn’t be left alone for more than a couple of minutes. Even when I went to the kitchen to make a cup of tea she’d start shouting for me after two minutes. She’d be awake shouting most of the night.

How dare that man presume to understand my situation in that way.

I’m not looking forward to this - parents and PIL all in their late 70s and 200 miles away. We are both eldest children and have POA for all of them. They are fine at the moment but can see in the next 10 years this will become a big issue.

Honestly, I think it’s an unrealistic view of what caring for someone entails.

You can’t have someone with dementia living with children. I tried. It was dangerous. My father would never have hurt a hair on their heads but I fell asleep while exhausted from watching him one night and he put the electric kettle on the gas hob while my children were sleeping upstairs. He could have killed us all. He didn’t sleep for longer than an hour at a time. could not be left unsupervised. When he was awake he was distressed and confused. My children were becoming increasingly upset living with that. After three months I had to stop it for their sake.

He was also unsteady on his feet. It was exhausting making sure my baby was no where near him if he tried to stand up.

He had to go into a care home. And even then, that’s not the easy option. All anyone cares about is his money. how much he’s got left, how long before it runs out. No one gives a shit about him. And this care home is “the best of the best”. Don’t let fancy wallpaper and surroundings fool you, they are all the same.

The whole situation breaks my heart and I pray everyday that he will have a huge heart attack and die. He’s not living, he’s just in a state of permanent torture.

And even if it’s not dementia, caring for someone takes everything you’ve got in you. It’s a huge responsibility.

My parents never talked about it, but I did look after them when they needed it. There wasn't any physical care but I did all the organisation. Did their shopping, talked to social workers, got care assistance for them. There was just me, so to me it was the natural thing to do .

I wouldn't ever suggest this to my adult children , but I know they will. We all love each other - so caring is the natural outcome.

We upped sticks and moved to the north coast of Scotland from south London 15 years ago so DH could be closer to his 80-y-o mother. She died 5 years ago and we are now 600 miles away from my mother, who's now 83. Mum has always said for years that my brother and I didn't need to worry about her, as she would be finding herself a nice care home - after about a year of complaining there was nothing suitable, because she couldn't find a one-bed flat in a retirement community with the capacity to take the entire contents of a four-bed house, she has accepted that some form of decluttering is going to be required and will be moving in a few weeks. Have to say, it's a huge relief that she's found somewhere she's really excited about moving to - it's a lovely place, they have an on-site care team if she starts to need more help in future that she just pays for as she needs it, and they also have a care home and dementia care home on the same site, so if her needs change drastically in future she can stay with the same people looking after her. It's next door to her old school, she remembers going there as a child with the school choir to sing to the residents, and now the current pupils will be coming to sing to her at Christmas.

I am an only DC and in many ways, despite any responsibility falling to me, it seems a lot easier than feeling let down and resentful of siblings which I hear about a lot from friends and on here.

They are both still at home and DF is 89 and DM 84. DF is showing signs of forgetfulness but would hate to go into a home, DM has said she wants to go into a home if that's what's needed, but I suspect she will feel differently if and when it arises.

DH seems to be the one with his eyes on my DPs money and idly talked about giving up work and looking after them rather than paying for care home fees. Quite how he thought he'd do that with a big dog he insisted on getting that needs walking 2 hours a day, I'm not sure. I suspect he meant me, rather than him.

But my line in the sand is I will not do personal care unless there is absolutely no other alternative. I am happy to visit frequently- I work 4 days a week with this in mind as we are an hour away - and facilitate anything that is required e.g. online shopping, carers, cleaners and so forth, but I will not be washing or wiping my DPs. That's a hard line. If all their money gets used up in care - then that's what it is for.

Also neither of my DPs cared for DGPs. DM moved from their home country to be closer to me and DF left USA in his 20s.

I hope they get to stay at home, I'd rather they died a few years earlier safe and comfortable in their own homes, than with dementia in a nursing home. DF definitely feels the same.

Both my sister and I moved to the UK from our home country. Our parents made it clear that they did not expect us to care for them and had made solid financial provision for any care they would need. Dsis and I did support my mum after my dad died and she struggled with bereavement and depression and turned to alcohol - it got really bad and we made sure we had provision put in place for bills to be paid, for her to be protected from scammers, for carers to come in and eventually for her to be sectioned. She died before that could happen. It was very difficult. It would not have been any easier had we been living nearby though - she refused to consent to anything.

Now that's the type of place I have been saying, for years, that we need in this country.

Because one of the saddest things with my mum was when she had to go into a care home and left her 'extra care' sheltered housing. She knew people there, even if her dementia meant she sometimes forgot. When she was lucid she knew who they were.

To have something with dementia care on site is wonderful as it would mean old friends didn't have to be apart. And the view from the window is the same so less fearful moving into a different part of the same site. Plus, if there are things like district nurses in place (as was for my mum, insulin dependent diabetic), the address is the same!

On a slightly different subject, my aunt got herself a place in residential home after a series of falls. She didn't tell her family until she'd made up her mind. She was petrified of another length of time laying on the floor waiting for help to come. She's been in her home for over three years now, loves it. She has company all day, can go to her room when she wants to. Has three meals a day (a two course one at lunch time), tea and biscuits in the afternoon, people coming in to entertain or craft stuff going on. She's got a better social life than she had living alone. She's always in someone's room having a chat when her DSs visit! And she feels safe as she knows someone is there within minutes if she falls - even with an alarm in her own home it could take a while for someone to get to her.

Personally, if I could find a place like your DM has @VeryLittleOwl, I'd be watching the waiting list as I age!

I looked after both of my parents, until they both died. I wasn't expected to, I don't think, but I loved them both, and I wanted to do everything I could possibly do for them to keep them safe and cared for. My half brothers did absolutely nothing.

Often to the detriment of the caring 'family' women.
What if those women don't actually want to? Why are their needs put last?