How much responsibility do you feel to look after parents in old age?

[myusernamed]

As the title says.

Do your parents talk about when they are old and what they might expect from you in terms of looking after them?

Do you feel a sense of responsibility for looking after them in old age?

There is only me and my sister and she now lives a few hours away. I automatically feel as though I will be responsible for sorting stuff out.

Father often says he will never go into a home - like it's up to me to make sure that doesn't happen.

Does anyone else feel this expectation?

I have a great relationship with mine so I'd want to help them as much as possible rather than feeling a responsibility. As others have pointed out though, who knows what that might mean and what I might be able to do. It depends on my kids ages, what help they might actually need etc etc.

My grandmother is in her 90s and still living independently at home with my mum popping once a week to sort her shopping and stuff. She'd actually love my gran to go and live with her but my gran doesn't want to.

I would definitely look after my parents when they reach an age not to do so themselves. But both my parents have expressed that if they became too weak to continue to look at themselves they would consider euthanasia, they just can't live with the thought of becoming non able bodied

I will be caring for my very lovely mum in my own home when the time comes. I won't be caring for my inlaws. My sister lives abroad so I will be doing it on my own.It will be hard but mum has money of her own and we will sell her house if needed.

In my own experience parents always say ( whilst they are fit) “ I don’t want you kids having to look after us, just put is in a home! Or “ if I get dementia please make sure I am put out my misery “. The reality is absolutely different. Once physical disability or dementia strike that concern tends to become more for themselves and most in that state will want to be with family and will do a massive u turn. Many refuse to go in to a home and their vulnerability and fragility combined with confusion means they will cling for dear life to what they want. Self preservation and that doesn’t tend to make people selfless. Most will not be biddable or amenable at this stage as survival mode is that human instinct and any thoughts for others far away

I swore I never would do any parent caring but then my mum developed Alzheimer’s mid 60’s and I ended up losing over three years of my life caring for her. She’s just gone into a nursing home at the age of 72 and I still do a lot for her but at least I’m not worrying about the basics such as personal care, nutrition, not setting fire to something, getting lost etc.
I agree about setting boundaries and also sibling pressure is a biggie.
At one point The Carers Support group arranged counselling for me as I had one parent dying in hospital, my DS in another hospital and earlier that week I’d spent the day in hospital with my DM who’s smashed up her home up and fallen on glass and had varoi injuries. I was close to breaking point and through counselling leant that I wasn’t responsible for all these people and it was my DC and myself that have to come first. I didn’t want to cut the ties but I needed them
to be loser.

None. My parents have & continue to actively made it clear they don’t want me to, mainly because my dad cared for my granny after her stroke and subsequent decline and he is determined that they won’t put me in the same situation he was in because I think it nearly broke him.

Recently I’ve seen a few threads on here which are either titled, or touch on, what will childfree/childless people do when they’re old and there’s no one to care for them and they ‘end up in a home’, or people discussing having an only child and people saying they shouldn’t because they’ll have to handle the care for their parents all alone/people have been told having an only is selfish as they child will shoulder the entire burden of care for them when they’re old/similar. I hope some of the posters from those threads see this one.

In real life I don’t know anyone who cares for their parents and very few who help their parents. One of my work colleagues actually decided to cut her mum out of her life as she had to go into a care home and friend had been expecting she would provide free, full time childcare for her baby when she went back to work and the second baby she was planning. Over in relationships and gransnet there have been threads similar where an adult child is cutting contact/going low contact because their elderly/sick/working parents can’t provide childcare and everyone says that’s awful but then on threads where the adult children are talking about the same thing they’re told not to provide elderly care to ‘teach them a lesson’.

I would help my parents but not care for them, they wouldn’t want that either and they have plans in place eg money set aside, documents detailing wishes.

After getting all those thoughts out I think it’s unfair for parents to expect care, people shouldn’t have children or a certain amount of children to try to ensure care, adult children shouldn’t feel obliged to provide care, people should prepare for their old age and care needs to be funded properly and we need to care about our careers and respect them more.

Yes, the "put us out of our misery" thing is just ridiculous. How?- by killing them and ending up in prison? I get why people say it but its just such a silly thing to say. As if killing your own parents is such an easy, straightforward task to do with no consequences whatsoever.

Yep. Agree.

I’ve lost both of my dp’s so I’d love the opportunity to take care of them. But they were lovely, supportive parents which does make a difference.

I will help to take care of dpil, also good parents who would do anything for us and the kids and would hate to be a burden but we don’t mind.

I will do my best but just before I get to the point of resenting them, then it’ll have to be more outside involvement.

My DH was in the camp of getting my DM in a home as she’ll be safe. We viewed 10 homes together and started chatting about if one of was in the same position as my DM what would happen. I said well you’re keen for my DM to go in a home, if you get Alzheimer’s would you be happy to live in one. He went quiet and mumbled something and wouldn’t answer properly. I wouldn’t take any notice of what parents say they would do or want, like a PP said most will become totally self centred and selfish of it means they can cling onto life.

Same here. I wasn't neglected but it was clear I was unwanted , resented and every penny spent on me was begrudged. I've been excluded from the family too. I busy out of a sense of duty but I really don't want to put myself out for them . I care about them but I don't like them . Hope this makes sense .

To be brutal @DuvetDownn when it gets to the stage of dementia where the elderly person doesn't know who you are, or where they are, and needs 24/7 care, you have no choice.

Yes it’s my responsibility

My mum is in her 80s and perfectly capable currently. But I'm not naive enough to think this could decline any time

I don't live in the same country so difficult decisions will have to be made at certain points

KnittingNeedles
Yes I agree or before they get to that stage. The wandering stage is particularly hard to manage at home.

I’ve said this to my children, I certainly don’t want to be a burden to them.
As a country we need to have a serious discussion about ageing. I don’t want to live for years like my mum with dementia scared and frightened.
I would like a pill I could take and just go to sleep.

Even if that means giving up your job, moving in with your parent or having them move in with you and doing ALL the hard caring like changing adult nappies and showering them? For months/years on end?

My dad opted to go into care when it was obvious he was beginning to deteriorate after being in hospital. He came home but it was clear he could no longer be living on his own with visits daily from us and carers twice a day. He was far too vulnerable.

He went in at 91, is now 94 and he calls it home. The staff love him and the care is excellent. He never expected either me or my brother to look after him full time and told us so.

Caring for an elderly person with health / palliative issues is a 24 hour job . In the 6 months or so I did for my parent this was everyday .
Move into their home , be on call to administer painkillers during the night / change bedding in the night because of accidents / help to get them to the toilet. Wash / assist with washing in the morning / if good day in bathroom , if bad day , bed bathe. Make breakfast , sometimes feed them if they can't manage. Get yourself ready. Tidy house , put on an endless wash/ laundry. Toilet them again , made tea, take up drinks , give medicines .Rush to do a shop / collect prescriptions. Make lunch , Sit and read to them/ chat until they slept. Watch afternoon tv whilst they sleep. Take up a drink , stay with them. Toilet them, give medication , give a drink . Make a dinner they've said they fancy , which then they don't want. Make a drink , Sit with them. Tidy up kitchen, make a drink, toilet them , wash again , change nightwear, up and down stairs in the evening to check , Sit with. Toilet again . Medication, Sit until they sleep. Watch some tv as relaxation. Check on them. Go to bed yourself for rinse and repeat.

There is a cultural element in this too.

Definitely no right answer. I like to think I will be looking after my mother in my home but who knows?

My parents died suddenly (DF of a heart attack and DM of a very aggressive cancer only weeks after being diagnosed) and somewhat prematurely so this wasn't an issue. MIL absolutely expects it. She has options but would rather emotionally blackmail DH into a caring role. He already does a lot (much more than most) yet it's never enough.

I helped in the past (she has no underlying health conditions) because I felt I was helping DH. You might guess I'm not her biggest fan but I'd do the gardening and cleaning. I stopped when I found out SIL (who lives abroad) was paying for a gardener and cleaner . She'd got rid of them years before. DH still does the garden but she now has a cleaner again. She's a complete princess, one who has never had to get her hands dirty. It was only when FIL died twelve years ago that I realised he did everything.

I don't do anything now and don't feel guilty. I am ill (which is a good excuse) but could still do some things for her but then I remember that she never helped with our DC (my parents did a lot of childcare) even when DH was struggling due to me spending long periods in hospital.

DH is drenched in FOG and adores her. All I see is a selfish woman who didn't care for her own parents or ever offer us any assistance, hence I'm happy to let her reap the rewards of that.

I'm a big believer that we supposedly 'scrimp and save' all our lives, not for it to sit in the bank, but to buy in care and help as needed when we age, leaving our busy adult DC in the prime of their lives with jobs and families of their own free of the burden.
It's all very well refusing a care home but it's mightily selfish too, and usually at the expense of family who have to repeatedly rush in to pick up the pieces of repeated crises.
My DM ended up on BP medication running round after my GM who had lived a long life mostly spent travelling. Yet she was happy for her DD to forego all that to do her shopping, scrub her loo and pick her up off the floor. She would have foregone every penny of her inheritance not to have been tied like that for years. It completely ruined their relationship.

I see my mum as family so I’d do the same for her as my children. Dhs Dad I would support him helping but hands on care would make me really uncomfortable. (To be fair I think he would be horrified too!)