How much responsibility do you feel to look after parents in old age?

[myusernamed]

As the title says.

Do your parents talk about when they are old and what they might expect from you in terms of looking after them?

Do you feel a sense of responsibility for looking after them in old age?

There is only me and my sister and she now lives a few hours away. I automatically feel as though I will be responsible for sorting stuff out.

Father often says he will never go into a home - like it's up to me to make sure that doesn't happen.

Does anyone else feel this expectation?

There's no responsibility for a child to care for their parents. The obligation is a one way street, the parents decided to have the child, not the other way around. It's the parent's duty to provide for themselves as well as their children.

It was never expected of me and my sister, but we did it gladly. We had a pretty “normal” upbringing and family life though and both still lived locally to our parents. They’ve gone now, and we did a huge amount of care/helping (dementia involved unfortunately) and neither of us have any regrets. I have a very clear conscience which is very important to me

My parents didn't expect it but I wanted to care for them. I don't regret a second. I'm not good at living with a wish to have done more.

My parents are adamant that if it came to it that I should put them in a home, they dont want to be a burden. Unless their needs were too high that I couldn't look after them myself I couldn't put them in a home. They have been the most wonderful loving parents so I'd feel it's my responsibility to look after them, I'd do anything for them and it would break my heart to put them in a home.

I would quite like to go into a home myself though. Might be fun?

Indeed. My 'father' is one of those who has proclaimed to never want to be put into a home. Yet he is the one who has only been interested in parenting when he gets something out of it, like power and control. When school fees or maintenance needed paying...tumbleweeds. Grimly hilarious when my mother and I look back at it now.

Yes that was my experience with my mum. She always said she didn't want her children to look after her and she would go into sheltered housing, but her flat was easy to manage and near me and some shops so no reason to move. She gradually became more frail and vulnerable and her care needs went from shopping for her occasionally, to changing the TV channel, to washing her, cooking for he and finally changing nappies. It was her children she felt safe with and wanted me every day. We did arrange for Carers to come in but she would want to see me most days too and would get upset if I didn't come. I think we all become selfish at that stage. That I was working full-time with a child and a long commute didn't matter, she desperately wanted my company to remember who she was and feel secure.

i would quite like to go into a home myself though. Might be fun?
I think that when I visit my DM, when I get back to her home from taking her out they make such a fuss of her . They make her coffee, chat to her, offer snacks hang up her coat etc. I go home and make dinner, tidy up etc.
The carers paint my DM’s nails, do her hair in different styles, you can’t compare her life to the one she had living in her own place.

Yes I would prefer a paid carer to wash my bottom rather than my DD! I would like my DC to visit and chat with me without having to do stuff for me.

So many insightful posts on here already, particularly from @WindowGazers and @KnittingNeedles along with my sister we currently help my mother. She had a couple of strokes at the start of lockdown and may be developing vascular dementia although no diagnosis. We are very lucky in that we both live within ten minutes, mum did a lot of visiting of older people before she was taken ill and has no illusions, (eg she drew up a short list of good homes if required and a list of ones not to touch along with red flags to look for) she has enough money to pay for carers, and at the moment she is able to get herself up and dressed and to the loo. She has cleaners/carers who come in twice a week and is on a waiting list for them to come in every weekday lunchtime to make her lunch. We go round and make her evening meal every day and we are her emergency contacts in the event that her fall alarm is triggered. The crucial things for us are that mum gave us power of attorney years ago so we know that's in place when needed. She signed a DNR order and told us that that was what she wanted. We have a superb GP practice and a really good care agency who try to send the same carers as much as they can. After her last stay in hospital she was referred to an occupational therapist who went above and beyond in identifying what might help in terms of physical adaptations, living aids, prompts for memory, exercise classes, blue badge, disabled taxi permits and so on and arranging for them all to happen so we didn't need to fight through the process. She has been amazing and her help has made both us and mum feel more confident about her continuing to Live at home for the moment . But if it comes down to it we know that mum expects us to use her savings either to buy in care or put her in a home.

When you go in a home a lot of your decisions are made for you . When you eat , what you eat , when you wash , go out , go to bed etc . You are now sharing your space with a lot of other people some with complex issues. Also you are limited as to what you can take with you into a home as you are allocated a room . This can be devastating for some people. Some people just accept this and go with the flow . They are the ones who will fare better mentally .

Absolutely agree with this!

True of my parents (mum died last year and dad needing 24/7 live in care for dementia). They were negligent and emotionally abusive for the first 25 years and then started to guilt trip for support once their respective health started to decline...

I feel obliged to help dad as otherwise he would be fucked but only up to a certain point. I can't forget how insanely crap he was as a dad so don't go above and beyond. I would never want my own kids to stop their lives and support me in old age....

Yes I've found that. The link between how much a parents expects a child to care for them and how willing the person is to do so are inversely proportionate.

I think it very much depends on what help, how long for and your own circumstances alongside your own stamina and ability to cope (whether that's financially, mentally or physically).

In my case my parent care days are over as my mum died a couple of years ago (dad died decades ago).

I lived close to my mum, we moved her closer when she got older as the round trip of 2 hours was too much if things went wrong.

She then developed Alzheimer's but lived in her own, small, flat. We started off by getting someone to clean for her out of her attendance allowance as that was what was going wrong. She'd forget to clean the loo, wipe around the kitchen etc., and, with all of us with young children, we'd only manage to do 3 or 4 days between us. The cleaner filled the gaps. All well for a while.

Then she started to forget to take medication (diabetic with a heart condition) so we got a posset box. Then that started to be forgotten or she'd take two days worth at once. She was taking medication four times a day and I was having to go in to supervise and do the 'in between' cleaning. The GP, thankfully, managed to get her medication compacted into twice a day and we bought in someone to cover the evening medication.

She then moved to an extra care sheltered housing scheme and the fun really started. First she was found in reception at 4am, about to step out onto a busy A road. The carers at the scheme managed to get her back to bed. Then she would call at 10pm asking if her district nurse was on the way - she used to come at 10am but people with dementia don't always understand there are 2 of each times in 24 hours. Then we started getting calls at 3am asking when we were coming over (both my siblings and I would pop in after school on a rota).

Finally she started getting mixed up with meal times. She was found by me, her district nurse and the cleaner on separate occasions having her evening meal at 8am (24 hour clock thing again). Then nothing until 8pm as she forgot lunch. Not good as a diabetic...

So we got Wiltshire Farm Foods to do a meals on wheels service and the evening carer would make a sandwich for her. We'd cover breakfast between us and the cleaner was an absolute godsend helping if we were having a break or one of the kids was sick.

Finally she had a collapse went into hospital and they managed to get her a respite place. The respite people assessed her and told social service she shouldn't go home - even with a full care package and us in every day between us she was still too vulnerable.

After 3 months in respite we were given the go ahead for a care home place. The transformation was amazing. For a while (maybe a year) we got our mum back to some extent. She was well cared for and had company every day as she would be taken into the main hall area for the day, every day. We had a place at the local day centre but she started to refuse to go to that when she was at home. In the care home she had no choice and accepted it as part of her routine every day.

The difference it made to our relationship was sad in a way, but very good. We finally had the chance to sit and have a chat and a cup of tea with our mum instead of running around in limited time making sure she was fed, clean and safe. Doing her washing, shopping, ironing, breakfast, organising pills, doctors appointments, cleaning etc didn't leave 'her' time. And the elderly need 'time' with their families.

We were so grateful that she got a place in a good home. The stress of juggling mum, young DS (at the time), and work literally had me sobbing one Christmas. Even with DH helping as much as he could I just couldn't see how I could cope for yet another year.

Don't underestimate what may need to be done and don't feel guilty if, like us, it finally gets too much. Use whoever and whatever you can to get help if you need it. I have a lovely friend who is the kindest person you'd ever meet. She moved her mum in with her. Within a couple of months she could no longer go out with friends as her mum would ring every 10 -15 minutes if she wasn't home by 6pm every night even if she knew where she was. She had to lock her front door every day as her mum managed to wander into the road when she was in the shower one day. When her mum finally died she said to me that she felt old before her time as she was exhausted.

I don't feel any 'responsibility' but I'll do everything I can to make my Mum as happy, comfortable and loved as is possible for the rest of her life. I'll do it because I want to and because I love her. She would do the same for me.

Mum is single by choice and lives 3 hours away.
She's been hinting at coming to stay with us for extended periods of time, or living with us when she's older, for 15 years. I've batted every comment away, or laughed them off, or stared into the middle distance and not engaged.
I love her, but she's extremely difficult, extremely judgmental and pretty much hates everyone. I've managed my relationship with her by only having her to stay, or only staying with her, for a maximum of 2 nights for the last 18 years! I'm a huge introvert, fiercely independent, have done everything for myself, and live a lifestyle that is unrecognisable to hers (no kids, very outdoorsy) - which I get a sense she resents me for. Having her live with us would ruin mine and my husband's lives and is something I will never allow.
My sister lives overseas and gets away with none of this pressure.
What worries me is, mum comments how she's "never going in a home" but she's not kept fit and hasn't kept up with tech (she wont even try an online food shop) so she's putting in zero effort to ensure she can remain independent in her own home.
She recently had an operation and I did take a few days off to go home and look after her, and would do that again, but nothing long term and nothing in our home.
In the next couple of years I want to drop down to working a 4 day week. I've told DH that I wouldn't even want to let my mum know about it in case it makes her think "oh good, she's got more time to care for me now"!

I’m from a culture where there are no old peoples homes. It is fully expected that families care for each other. It’s weird to me that you wouldn’t care for your parents or that there is a choice in the matter.

Not saying it’s wrong, just so different for me that it’s not even something I question.

My parents have given me an amazing life, it's not always been easy, we've had our moments but I have never, ever, been in any doubt of their love and support. I've already decided that when the time comes that they need more support I will gladly give it while I'm able too, if they were to develop dementia or other issues that require more care I would ensure that they received it. I don't feel like it's 'expected' of me, it's something I want to do, just like they would for me.

DH and I would hate that our kids felt responsible for us nowadays. We do have health problems, and we are pensioners - but we fund any help we need.

Our ACs have their own lives, and I don't expect them to knacker themselves with us..😗

I did look after my parents for as long as possible, but it's draining.

The odd bit of help is fine - any expectations are not.

I love my parents and will help where I can but they have the resources to pay for their own carers / care home.

I also know my sister and I will have the horrendous task of clearing out their hoarded possessions when they’re gone. Sounds awful but it’s how I feel.

Everyone should plan for and pay for their own old age as much as they can.

Similar culture but what this means is that women become carers. It's rarely men changing adult diapers. All mu friends are looking after their MILs and going completely batty.

I haven't really had that conversation. DM has said "put me in a home, don't worry about me". Even now though just making sure we speak and see her regularly every week can be a struggle with everything else we have to do. I have a sibling who isn't as consistent and often only does it when they want something. My DP DM lives 4 hours away. He had a sibling who has no contact with their DM so it replies on him solely. It's hard because he lives so far away. As soon as there's any inheritance I expect his sibling will soon be sniffing around.

Both of my parents have died so I don't have this situation but it must be a worrying time for those facing it.
I would try to access carers if needed and help where I could but dh/dp and dc would have to be priority then there would be employment to consider.
Trying to be there for too many people can be determental to one's health.

fairyliz

If so he needs to be future proofing his life. How?

blue I had the same situation with dm, a hoarder, it seemed to take weeks.