How much responsibility do you feel to look after parents in old age?

[myusernamed]

As the title says.

Do your parents talk about when they are old and what they might expect from you in terms of looking after them?

Do you feel a sense of responsibility for looking after them in old age?

There is only me and my sister and she now lives a few hours away. I automatically feel as though I will be responsible for sorting stuff out.

Father often says he will never go into a home - like it's up to me to make sure that doesn't happen.

Does anyone else feel this expectation?

I do think you're right @Quisquam that you need to be alert when looking at care homes and 'present' with visits etc., It does give you a better feel for a place and staff know you're on the ball (and that you will also support them if they need back up with social service etc)

In my mum's case we chose a 'needs improvement' care home over a 'good' care home which seems insane.

However, the residents in the 'good' care home seemed very quiet compared to those in the 'needs improvement' - too quiet for adults who had dementia and other needs.

There was a lot of laughter in the 'needs improvement' home when we went. We were encouraged to have a chat with the residents whilst the person showing us round went off to get us a cup of tea - so no fear of what we may find out. The 'good' home rushed us through at each point.

And the 'needs improvement' home we chose felt 'home like'. The residents ate in one shift (the 'good' care home had a rota which mum wouldn't have understood - she had dementia). They had a lovely conservatory dining room overlooking the garden with a menu in big letters outside it and we were encouraged to book a meal with mum (obviously we paid for that) whenever we wanted.

We had regular phone calls if mum had been unwell or if she'd had a fall - even if there was no need for an ambulance to be called they kept us informed.

When we went she was always clean and tidy. One of the care home staff always painted the ladies nails for them if they wanted it. He would also set their hair in between hairdresser visits which mum loved!

Most telling from my point of view was that mum had gone there from respite in another home. At that respite home (which had a good reputation locally) mum had been put into incontinence pants because of a few accidents - double incontinence was on her notes from them to the final care home. She was also on a zimmer frame. Both of which she hadn't been using when she went from a long hospital stay to that respite home.

At the 'needs improvement' place they reassessed her and told us they were keeping the pants but only as a precaution as she was a slow walker. She was perfectly capable of using the loo and they'd seen no double incontinence at all. Until she finally died in hospital from a chest infection the staff said they'd never needed to changed her pants. They were as dry coming off at night as they were going on, like normal pants. And my mum was a 'cup of tea whenever it's offered' person so was always on the loo!

And they did an assessment on her walking when she arrived. They decided the zimmer frame was going and got her back to using a walking stick. In their words the frame was totally unnecessary, was holding her back and she couldn't use it properly so hated it. They said to us they had no idea what possessed the respite home to get her on it in the first place - her walking was fine, slow but steady with her stick. The difference, to me, was that the respite home had lino flooring - the care home had carpet so more 'grippy'. She never used a zimmer frame or anything other than her walking stick from that day until she went into hospital for her final few weeks.

So you do wonder who all these things are useful for.

Oh and the 'needs improvement' rating? The care home manager was newly promoted so had forgotten some paper work to the inspectors when she'd had an accident case and a death at the home. She'd also had a member of staff 'lose' some medicine cabinet keys (found in a residents bedroom) - which is obviously very bad from a safeguarding point of view.

However, the paper work had gone to the proper authorities (council, social services etc) but she'd left the inspectors out of the loop. The care home put an experienced manager in as mentor. By the time we got mum in there the mentor was phone based only as the new manager had found their feet. She had put in new policies around medicine cabinet use and paper work was being done properly. Their next inspector visit (after mum joined them) got them a 'good'.

So yes, you do have to trust your gut, read the reports and show your face.

I also ended up putting mom in a care home in a needs improvement care home . I was recommended to it by one of her carers whose own mom had been in it .
pit only has 11 residents and quite basic in that they have commodes in their room rather than en suite at night.
I used my own judgement in how I found it and also reading between the lines with the QCC reports. They had always been rated good up until covid. I have found the home to have a family atmosphere and the staff have remained the same .Not agency . Mom can still use the toilet a year after being there. She has dementia.
I would say go for the one you find the best suited to your parent but also one you can get to regularly if you don’t want them to forget you and you still want that contact .

Some expensive care homes give an illusion of being better. They might have nicer decor and the menu looks fancy. They might have a lovely lounge area for families to have posh coffees and biscuits. That’s not what is important. It’s how they interact with patients, how the staff are treated and I would say cleanliness of your parent/ other residents. Watch closely how they interact with other residents and not doing the trying to impress performance when they know you are there. I’ve heard absolutely heart warming exchanges between staff and residents but equally in the same home we have seen and experienced less positive situations. It’s never ideal but expensive doesn’t mean it’s all fine. Also you still have to be on the ball and advocating for your parent. It’s not a case of them being in a home “ job done”. You’ll need to still do a fair amount if you want to ensure they are ok

Also I feel the same as many here in that as I feel at this point in my life, having experienced these issues with parents I never ever ever want my children to have to feel a fraction of the mental anguish, pain and sadness or responsibility that I have been through. I don’t want them to look after me. HOWEVER both my parents used to say exactly the same. They absolutely categorically used to say they didn’t want us looking after them. Honestly once they or you become frail, fragile and dementia creeps in stealing away thoughts from the past and confidence- they and you will most likely cling to anyone who will care or help them. Especially if there is familiarity. It’s the human survival instinct. We don’t just have this Christ like ability to sacrifice ourselves in old age for the benefit of others.

I see it as my responsibility, yes.

My dad died 5 years ago after some mental health problems. My older sister, who lives 45 minutes closer than I do, was unbelievably useless. Wouldn't visit him when he was ill, and when he died, refused to have any role in planning the funeral or supporting our mum. She was all "I'm putting in some boundaries", which is all well and good, but what about me? When do I get to put in MY boundaries?

At the moment, mum is well and happy, but I know that any potential care needed in the future will be all on me. I've accepted that, and will do what I need to do in order to sleep peacefully at night. I already know that sister can't/won't do anything. It hasn't done our relationship any favours. But I love my mum, and I won't see her go without because my sister is a useless person.

My dad I imagine will be one of those who die shortly after retirement. He has no hobbies and is quite a boring person so I think once the first initial few months of excitement have worn off he'll struggle. That's if my already retired step mum doesn't kill him first ha! My mum I can't imagine in retirement, she's a stubborn mule and does well to look after herself despite some health conditions. My in-laws are older and in their mid 70's. DFIL has had a few health scares but seems to manage well. DMIL acts like she's in her 40's, she does not sit still. I'm hoping the in-laws will move closer in the next 5 years or so, they are three hours away at the moment. I feel that when DFIL can't manage the drive any more then they'll admit defeat and move. Wouldn't bother me too much them being closer.