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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be worried about how much my daughter likes my boyfriend

237 replies

cocavino · 10/11/2022 21:39

She is 6. I have been with the boyfriend for 9 months. We are very serious.

My boyfriend is an incredibly lovely person and is super fun with kids. My daughter loves joking around with him.

He often comes over for the evening and stays in the spare room while my daughter sleeps with me. (Maybe 3-4 nights per week on average).

My daughter now throws tantrums when I tell her he isn't coming over. Is this weird? Concerning? I don't know what to make of it.

OP posts:
Igglepiggleslittletoe · 10/11/2022 22:01

She seems to have formed an attachment to him. Is her dad in the picture?

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/11/2022 22:02

How long has she known him?

Feysriana · 10/11/2022 22:10

9 months is a significant chunk of her life.

She’s falling in love with him too, as a father figure. If you guys stay together, that’s fantastic. If you don’t, not so much.

I hope it goes well for you all.

PhoebeTheBride · 10/11/2022 22:14

YABU to have introduced her to him so early. What did you think would happen

JanglyBeads · 10/11/2022 22:16

How many months had you been with him before you introduced her to him.

Has she ever known any other father figure?

fruitbrewhaha · 10/11/2022 22:20

Which is why you don’t introduce new partners to your children until you are very sure you are likely
to stay together. Now if things don’t work out your daughter will be hurt and wonder what she has done wrong.

CatchYouOnTheFlippetyFlop · 10/11/2022 22:20

The only one being weird here is you!

You have introduced a father figure into your young child's life, who is at her home the majority of the time, who she has fun spending time with, and misses him when he isn't there.

It's an intense relationship for a little kid.

What do YOU think it's odd? That's the question you should be asking yourself.

Does something feel off with the relationship to you?

MolkosTeenageAngst · 10/11/2022 22:25

It does seem weird, if youve only been with him 9 months it seems early for your DD to have even met him yet let alone to have formed such a close bond already, how long has she actually even known him?

Stationsofthecross · 10/11/2022 22:27

You’ve introduced him way too early in my opinion.

Bobblemymind · 10/11/2022 22:40

If it feels weird then it is. Trust your instincts.

Original poster
cocavino · 10/11/2022 22:45

She has a dad. My boyfriend is a much nicer and warmer person.

She has gotten to know the boyfriend better over the past 3 months or so.

I trust my boyfriend, but am surprised that she's so against being home alone with me now. I feel rejected and a bit worried about whether she's formed too strong an attachment.

I've never been more sure about a relationship than this one. My boyfriend has shown no red flags so far, other than that I am suspicious of literally any man who enjoys spending time with children. He will probably never have children of his own and he would love to be a father, so assuming all works out this could actually be great for everyone involved.

OP posts:
dottiedodah · 10/11/2022 22:49

He sounds lovely, I think .if all goes well.i don't think it's weird at all .also nice that he sleeps in her room while she's with you .enjoy

waterrat · 10/11/2022 22:50

Its not wierd at all op. She has formed an attachment to him as caregiver and someone she loves as is natural at her age.

The problem will pnly be if he leaves her life if you break up.

Original poster
cocavino · 10/11/2022 22:52

@dottiedodah thanks ☺️

He's extremely accommodating in this way, and basically all ways. He accepts without question that my daughter is the top priority and that I can lead the relationship. When my daughter is jealous of him, he always tells her that I will always love her best. Etc etc

OP posts:
audeloquipalam · 10/11/2022 23:14

“Suspicious of literally any man who enjoys spending time with children” floats past without comment.

Original poster
cocavino · 10/11/2022 23:18

@audeloquipalam ... do you have a comment?

OP posts:
BritInAus · 10/11/2022 23:28

It sounds great. I honestly wonder how long the average MN-er thinks someone should wait to introduce a new partner. Five years?! He sounds very respectful, sleeping in the spare room so your daughter can be with you. I hope all continues to go well for the three of you.

strawberriesplease · 10/11/2022 23:29

audeloquipalam · 10/11/2022 23:14

“Suspicious of literally any man who enjoys spending time with children” floats past without comment.

The implication being you think he's attracted to your daughter sexually as are all men who show an interest.

Summerfun54321 · 10/11/2022 23:31

Struggling to see any problem here whatsoever. You have a nice new boyfriend who your daughter gets on really well with… don’t be a drama queen and make an issue that isn’t there. Enjoy it for what it is and just hope you all stay together as a happy family unit.

littleblackno · 10/11/2022 23:44

My DD was a similar age when I met DP. Her and DS used to regularly tell me they preferred him to me. They have a dad (who is a twat but that's another thread)
The novelty wore off and they love me the most again.
I unfortunately did split up with DP after 6 years together (we never lived together) and kids weren't remotely bothered by the split- hopefully this won't be the case with you.
I also introduced him to the kids quite quickly (by mn standards) I think that's a decision only you can make.

TabithaTittlemouse · 10/11/2022 23:45

What concerns you?
why are you suspicious of any man that wants to spend time with children?

Drifting · 11/11/2022 00:01

You hardly know anyone after 9 months yet you’ve given this man access to your young child. He may be a good person but I wouldn’t risk my child like you are when you read stats on abuse. Very irresponsible.

ChristmasisRuined · 11/11/2022 00:41

My goddddd is have to be with somebody at least a year before they met my 7yr old daughter. At the absolute minimum. Ideally 18 months to 2 years. Fact of the matter is though, you'll never know somebody well enough to figure out if they're a danger to children. Not in that way.

My friend's Dad has been married to friend's Mum for 53 years. Bubbly, jolly man. Super granddad. Until police arrested him for possession of images etc etc. 53 years she'd been married to him and never for a moment had she EVER seen anything remotely resembling any kind of red flag. He'd been a wonderful father, loving & funny husband and they'd had a lovely, blessed marriage. They were enjoying retirement and being grandparents.

Just shows you. You can never ever know somebody 100% even after 53 years of marriage. However the longer you spend getting to know someone the better. Not just for signs of the above, but relationships often begin to struggle and become tested between 12-24 months. Like a 7 year itch but a 12-24 month one! So as a PP says, the last thing you want is for your DD to essentially have to 'grieve' for the loss of someone she began to see as family

CloudybutMild · 11/11/2022 00:48

cocavino · 10/11/2022 22:45

She has a dad. My boyfriend is a much nicer and warmer person.

She has gotten to know the boyfriend better over the past 3 months or so.

I trust my boyfriend, but am surprised that she's so against being home alone with me now. I feel rejected and a bit worried about whether she's formed too strong an attachment.

I've never been more sure about a relationship than this one. My boyfriend has shown no red flags so far, other than that I am suspicious of literally any man who enjoys spending time with children. He will probably never have children of his own and he would love to be a father, so assuming all works out this could actually be great for everyone involved.

You are suspicious of any man who likes spending time with children, meaning you are suspicious of 90%+ of fathers. How very unpleasant.

Anyway, as others have said you’ve demonstrated appalling judgement introducing your daughter to this man so soon (especially given your prejudices), but hopefully have learned a lesson here and won’t do the same with the next one.

Aquamarine1029 · 11/11/2022 00:50

My boyfriend has shown no red flags so far

The love bombing Mr. Perfect routine isn't suspicious to you?

other than that I am suspicious of literally any man who enjoys spending time with children.

Yet you introduced your daughter to him just six months in.

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