To be worried about how much my daughter likes my boyfriend

[cocavino]

She is 6. I have been with the boyfriend for 9 months. We are very serious.

My boyfriend is an incredibly lovely person and is super fun with kids. My daughter loves joking around with him.

He often comes over for the evening and stays in the spare room while my daughter sleeps with me. (Maybe 3-4 nights per week on average).

My daughter now throws tantrums when I tell her he isn't coming over. Is this weird? Concerning? I don't know what to make of it.

I wouldn’t listen to all the people saying you’ve introduced them too early. Trust your own judgment. I’d been with my DH 3 months when I introduced him to my four year old son. To be fair he didn’t stay over with us until we’d been together a year, but you seem to be safeguarding your child by having her in with you. I had been in two previous relationships that lasted 6 months and a year, neither of them met my son because I knew it wasn’t right at the time. But with my DH it felt right, we’ve been together 5 years and have a 7 month old together.

@Aquamarine1029 Where does OP describe lovebombing? There’s nothing in her posts to suggest that.

At the moment but you are only nine months in ,maybe you will stay together forever ,maybe you wont.

I'd be more worried about how much your partner likes your daughter, not the other way around.

I'm not really seeing a problem, apart from it all seems to be moving too quickly. It isn't unusual for some men to be kid magnets, there is one in every family. My uncle was like the pied piper, my dc always made a beeline for their uncle when they were little at family events. My ds's dh is always at the bottom of a pile of kids at any family event as was my dgf when he was alive. Trust your gut though. I think the only issue is the intensity, he shouldn't be having sleepovers at this stage, perhaps at a weekend, but not during the week. He needs to be making a permanent commitment to you before spending so much time with your dc.

I'm not sure it is a good thing that he's happy to stay in DD's room. Presumably she doesn't usually sleep with you so why does she need to when he's there?

Maybe DD's tantrums are because she has to sleep in her own bed when he's not there?

You need to be more concerned with how he acts around children, much more than her. Shes just a little kid whos got attached to someone she finds fun, warm and safe. You need to satisfy yourself that he is a normal amount of interested. Its normal to love children and enjoy spending time with kids. He probably finds her charming and adorable. You are wise to keep your eyes open to how he interacts, not just with her but with kids in general. I am always aware of this with people i meet who have contact with my kids, especially men, but try not to be paranoid either. As long as hes mostly interested in you.

Why would you not be suspicious?
The most likely person to abuse girls is their mothers boyfriend. We should all be very aware of this. It’s so alarmingly common with such devastating consequences not being suspicious of all new men in our children’s lives is dropping the ball IMO.

Sometimes, and please don't take this the wrong way, a step-parent when you're 6, can be a really fun character to have in your life, I assume he doesn't have to do any of the 'boring stuff' like bed time, homework, brushing teeth, getting dressed? he just turns up, does the fun stuff and you have to be the parent and make her do all the boring stuff - so its not that she doesn't wat to be home alone with you, its that she is 6 and he is more fun than you are.

I think if this relationship works out, then you're onto a winner :-) it will just be tough on her if it doesn't. maybe carve out some time each week for just you and her to do something nice together? even if its just snuggling up watching a film with some snacks, she will come to really look forward to that time too.

I have no issue at all with single parents being very suspicious of men wanting to spend time with their children. I’m suspicious too and I’m in a LTR with their father. BE suspicious. BE wary. BE cautious. Protect your children.

But is he?

Because it’ll possibly break her heart when you split up.

Mumsnet is always weird about this stuff.

It's usually the smug marrieds who opine about relationships they have no experience of.

That's slightly tongue-in-cheek 😉

Anyway, you are right to stay alert, it would be foolish not to. My boyfriend is the best man I have ever met but of course I paid close attention when introducing him to my kids, and I continue to. I trust him with my life, it's not a contradiction.

My daughter also formed an attachment quite early on; she'd get excited when he arrived, want to come down and say hi even if she was in bed, etc. That excitement didn't last forever, but mellowed into something that feels relaxed and easy all round.

My boyfriends daughter also seemed to like me being around as soon as she met me. Maybe we're all just that awesome? 😆

Keep the kids centred, communicate, maintain a healthy level of caution. Entirely sensible.

She has gotten to know the boyfriend better over the past 3 months or so.

So you were only with him for a maximum of 6 months before introducing him?

That’s pretty concerning, especially if she doesn’t have a good relationship with her own dad.

The reason it’s massively different to introduce your DD to your friends vs your boyfriend, is that you tend to stay friends with a person for a very long time and maybe eventually drift apart.

A partner is completely different as it’s much more full on and then if you break up it’s completely over and the child doesn’t get to see or speak to that person again and the situation is often very tense and confusing.
Again your lack of understanding here is quite concerning.

Your DDs behaviour wouldn’t concern me on its own as it sounds like she’s just mirroring your behaviour.

But your judgement calls are slightly concerning and I think you seriously need to not have a boyfriend (that you’ve only known for 9 months) stay over so often.

This is way too intense, way too fast.
So of course her feelings are going to also be way too intense, way too fast.

He wants kids. You know this and that he's therefore likely to leave as soon as he meets someone that feels the same.

Yet you've let your daughter get so attached to him. The mind boggles

"It's usually the smug marrieds who opine about relationships they have no experience of."

Get over yourself. You've no idea what experiences anyone has had to form that opinion.

Really baffled about the comments on why OP should be surprised about a man wanting to spend time with children. And I assume it's nothing to do with him potentially being a pedo!

No idea of OP's background but my "dad" left us at 2yo (DB) and 1yo (me) and never wanted to spend time with us at all and we've not heard from him in years. Same happened to my poor mum, so I guess I at least have been conditioned to assume the worst of men and their attachment to their offspring.

Luckily I have a amazing DH who is excited to be a dad, and my DB is father to two boys and is amazing with them. So there's hope for the next generation.

You really are pretty full of yourself. I would not have any short term partner dictate to me I'm not having kids because I want to be with them. After 9 months I wouldn't be considering that I'll be with someone forever, especially if expected to give up something as big as having kids. I have a kid and I have no plans for another, but if a partner said they wanted them I'd firstly figure out if I wanted more before introducing my child to them. Secondly, I'd consider if it was selfish and unfair of me to expect them to give that opportunity up just for me. And I'm afraid I couldn't just let a man decide he'd never have kids because he wanted me.

Jesus Christ

Difficult, for her to already have this attachment only 9 months in then she must have been introduced to him quite early in the relationship and of course going my your posts you also have the same attachment to him , so she is mimicking you

Love bombing is very much a thing.

www.betterhelp.com/advice/love/what-is-love-bombing-examples-and-dangers/

It's time we started teaching girls and boys that gifts, flowers, big surprises etc does not equal love.

I'm not saying those things are wrong, of course they're not, but they can be part of a problem.

I've been in one of those relationships and I've watched friends go through it.
It's not real or genuine.
Underneath there's control, manipulation, neediness and jealousy and it's toxic because you don't know which way is up.

Because we're told in films and fairytales that we should want grand gestures and romance.

Women aren't vulnerable princesses waiting to be rescued. We don't need to be treated like queens or precious dolls, we need to be treated like equals.

Co-sleeping is not a bad habit, its natural for small children.

Far too early. You’ve known him for nine months = you don’t know him at all. You only know the version of him who wants to be accepted by you and your family.

What happens to your daughter’s feelings when or if you split up? It could really shake her little world.