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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be worried about how much my daughter likes my boyfriend

237 replies

cocavino · 10/11/2022 21:39

She is 6. I have been with the boyfriend for 9 months. We are very serious.

My boyfriend is an incredibly lovely person and is super fun with kids. My daughter loves joking around with him.

He often comes over for the evening and stays in the spare room while my daughter sleeps with me. (Maybe 3-4 nights per week on average).

My daughter now throws tantrums when I tell her he isn't coming over. Is this weird? Concerning? I don't know what to make of it.

OP posts:
Original poster
cocavino · 20/11/2022 18:55

@AnonyMouseie

OP posts:
Tonesbaloney · 21/11/2022 15:51

This is her father-figure whether bio dad is involved or not. She's at a crucially impressionable age. While your new bf sounds nice (too excessively nice tbh) you need to be vigilant and keep your spidey senses attuned. You're in that wonderful honeymoon stage in which all is right with the world and I'm happy for you. Yet we MUST be honest: you ARE getting signals, something isn't 100% and you've already picked up on that. Your daughter's reactions are the red flag. Please tell me you have NOT allowed him to be alone with her. And DO NOT be one of those women who leaves her child with the new bf when you have to leave and/or work. The bigger picture is when someone seems too good to be true, it's always correct. It sounds like your daughter is the conduit for all things "off" in your home. And if she's witnessing intimacies, it's too much for her to understand and work out, hence this acting out. In situations like this when the actual problem is not honestly discussed, there's one person in the family who's IP'd (identified patient), and that's how you're categorizing your daughter. It wouldn't be a bad idea to get some family therapy for you & daughter. You are your little girl's voice and protector. Get rid of the guy, and cut your losses.

Original poster
cocavino · 21/11/2022 20:40

@Tonesbaloney your advice is to assume that my boyfriend is in the wrong and dump him because my daughter likes him???

He has been alone with her once for about 10 minutes when I had to run an errand.

He's ridiculously nice but I think that this is a symptom of historically low self esteem and his basic personality. His mum even said off handedly to me, "anyone who knows (cocavino's boyfriend) knows that he is very considerate and thoughtful"

OP posts:
Original poster
cocavino · 21/11/2022 20:50

"The bigger picture is when someone seems too good to be true, it's always correct"

In particular, this is a depressing statement.

My bf doesn't necessarily seem too good to be true. He wasted several years of his 20s doing many drugs and he dealt with a lot of family trauma. He's slow to action. He doesn't dress well. He's forgetful.

However, he is kind, thoughtful, and totally in love with me. He is now a professional person with a good job and nice friends. We get along amazingly well, no love bombing or inappropriate pushing to commit too soon.

OP posts:
monsteramunch · 21/11/2022 21:21

But a boyfriend your daughter has known for less than six months staying in her home 3/4 nights a week is an inappropriate level of commitment, do you really not think?

Original poster
cocavino · 21/11/2022 21:24

monsteramunch · 21/11/2022 21:21

But a boyfriend your daughter has known for less than six months staying in her home 3/4 nights a week is an inappropriate level of commitment, do you really not think?

  1. He hasn't pushed for this.
  2. Obviously I think it's ok.
OP posts:
EmilyGilmoresSass · 21/11/2022 22:33

cocavino · 21/11/2022 20:50

"The bigger picture is when someone seems too good to be true, it's always correct"

In particular, this is a depressing statement.

My bf doesn't necessarily seem too good to be true. He wasted several years of his 20s doing many drugs and he dealt with a lot of family trauma. He's slow to action. He doesn't dress well. He's forgetful.

However, he is kind, thoughtful, and totally in love with me. He is now a professional person with a good job and nice friends. We get along amazingly well, no love bombing or inappropriate pushing to commit too soon.

Ah. So now someone with a history of drugs stays overnight at least half the week 6 months in. We are getting somewhere now. And I say this as someone with a former addiction.

Original poster
cocavino · 21/11/2022 22:37

@EmilyGilmoresSass oh really? Where are we getting?

I don't think that he had any addictions. He has been off drugs for at least 10 years.

Also, it's 9 months in.

OP posts:
monsteramunch · 21/11/2022 22:47

cocavino · 21/11/2022 22:37

@EmilyGilmoresSass oh really? Where are we getting?

I don't think that he had any addictions. He has been off drugs for at least 10 years.

Also, it's 9 months in.

Nine months in but you say DD only got to know him at six months in. Still early, but that's what you said.

So she's known him on more than a surface level for 12 weeks max and he now stays in her home half the week.

That doesn't concern me because I assume he's an abuser.

It concerns me because it puts him in the role of a step father when you really, really don't know him well and haven't given them space and time to get to know one another and work up to that role rather than starting with it. Her home now has a male figure in it who is currently there half the week or more and may then be suddenly absent if you split.

It's very intense very early for you let alone your daughter.

JanglyBeads · 21/11/2022 22:52

You "don't think he had any addictions". You need to ask more questions OP.

Also, what @monsteramunch said.

Original poster
cocavino · 21/11/2022 23:08

@JanglyBeads what exactly is the concern now about someone who was a stoner in his early 20s? Obviously I have asked lots of questions. Based on this, I believe that he wasn't an addict. He's actually very disapproving of people who use drugs now because he thinks they are wasting their lives.

OP posts:
alexdgr8 · 21/11/2022 23:09

why do you make your daughter go to her father's if she dislikes it so much, and is unsettled by it.
is it court ordered ?
could you pay for her to see a good counsellor or therapist.

Original poster
cocavino · 21/11/2022 23:18

@alexdgr8 her father wants to have her enough to be able to pay less maintenance and he would definitely take me to court if I did not let him have her. If I withheld access this would also be looked on unfavourably by the family law system.

He's an abusive twat, but has no criminal or social services records. There is a strong assumption in family law that paternal contact is good.

OP posts:
Original poster
cocavino · 21/11/2022 23:19

I'm starting to think that counseling would be good for her though.

OP posts:
monsteramunch · 21/11/2022 23:19

cocavino · 21/11/2022 23:18

@alexdgr8 her father wants to have her enough to be able to pay less maintenance and he would definitely take me to court if I did not let him have her. If I withheld access this would also be looked on unfavourably by the family law system.

He's an abusive twat, but has no criminal or social services records. There is a strong assumption in family law that paternal contact is good.

How much does he see her at the moment each week?

Original poster
cocavino · 21/11/2022 23:28

@monsteramunch he sees her every other weekend and then once in the week

OP posts:
monsteramunch · 21/11/2022 23:47

cocavino · 21/11/2022 23:28

@monsteramunch he sees her every other weekend and then once in the week

So every other week 4/7 days she's at yours with your boyfriend staying too, 1/7 days she's with your ex after which she's upset and 2 days she's with you solo, during which she's upset your boyfriend isn't there.

And every other week 4/7 days she's at yours with your boyfriend staying too, 2/7 days with your ex after which she's upset and 1 with you solo, during which she's upset your boyfriend isn't there.

It's a lot of days the wee thing is upset or unsettled and the only days she is completely relaxed are those when your boyfriend is there but he's only been on the scene for less than a year.

It's not a healthy headspace for a little one. It means she's anxious for most of the week, either upset your boyfriend isn't there or upset after being at your ex's.

I know you might feel a bit attacked me saying that but if you put yourself in her shoes can you see how having introduced your boyfriend into the mix so often and so soon, it's created more emotional issues for her to tackle?

And would you consider dialling it back to try and make him a boyfriend rather than a presence in the home half of every week?

Only one person (I think) has suggested dumping him. Most have suggested a big step back. Reduction of nights he stays. Less of a presence in her home.

monsteramunch · 21/11/2022 23:49

I said: It's a lot of days the wee thing is upset or unsettled and the only days she is completely relaxed are those when your boyfriend is there but he's only been on the scene for less than a year.

But have realised she's not even completely relaxed for those days as she's upset after coming back from her dads beforehand.

JanglyBeads · 21/11/2022 23:51

It also sounds like her dad's parenting could do with some investigating. You could ask for a referral for her to the School
Nurse as a starter. This could lead to play therapy, as an example.

Original poster
cocavino · 22/11/2022 08:21

@monsteramunch she usually just kicks off a bit when she finds out he won't be there, then seemingly forgets about it fairly soon. She has a similar reaction (actually far worse) if she is served a dinner that she doesn't want. Maybe I am making more of it than I need to.

@JanglyBeads I really don't think anything would come of this. One time I was worried about something she said about her dad and after I reported it, SS came to my home for a visit, downplayed everything I said, then just had a call with him. There's literally no point trying to get attention on bad parenting when dealing with a charming narcissist who doesn't commit any physical abuse.

OP posts:
MuckyPlucky · 22/11/2022 11:48

monsteramunch · 21/11/2022 23:47

So every other week 4/7 days she's at yours with your boyfriend staying too, 1/7 days she's with your ex after which she's upset and 2 days she's with you solo, during which she's upset your boyfriend isn't there.

And every other week 4/7 days she's at yours with your boyfriend staying too, 2/7 days with your ex after which she's upset and 1 with you solo, during which she's upset your boyfriend isn't there.

It's a lot of days the wee thing is upset or unsettled and the only days she is completely relaxed are those when your boyfriend is there but he's only been on the scene for less than a year.

It's not a healthy headspace for a little one. It means she's anxious for most of the week, either upset your boyfriend isn't there or upset after being at your ex's.

I know you might feel a bit attacked me saying that but if you put yourself in her shoes can you see how having introduced your boyfriend into the mix so often and so soon, it's created more emotional issues for her to tackle?

And would you consider dialling it back to try and make him a boyfriend rather than a presence in the home half of every week?

Only one person (I think) has suggested dumping him. Most have suggested a big step back. Reduction of nights he stays. Less of a presence in her home.

Show quote history

This is a really good point, and gets to the bottom of how your daughter might be experiencing life at the moment.

Original poster
cocavino · 22/11/2022 12:08

@MuckyPlucky I do see the point that is being made here. I'm not entirely certain how much of a problem my boyfriend's presence is given the broader context. I think that the relationship with her father may be the bigger issue, and this may just be a canary in the coal mine.

OP posts:
MuckyPlucky · 22/11/2022 12:13

I semi agree, but I also think the point some posters are making is that at this early stage in your r’ship you can’t know whether this is a canary in a coal mine or indeed a buzzard in a coal mine. And if you decide/realise he’s the latter for whatever reason, your DD could be left with an abandoned coal mine, wondering what happened to her lovely shiny new canary that she thought she had.

urbanbuddha · 22/11/2022 12:32

I think that the relationship with her father may be the bigger issue, and this may just be a canary in the coal mine.

I think this might be true. Perhaps in her 6 year old mind she thinks she can replace the daddy who makes her cry with another shiny, new daddy. Whatever is happening at her father’s house to make her fearful and unhappy I think you have to get to the bottom of it. It might be that she is being bullied by the new girlfriend, it might be something else but you need to find out.

JanglyBeads · 22/11/2022 15:17

cocavino · 22/11/2022 08:21

@monsteramunch she usually just kicks off a bit when she finds out he won't be there, then seemingly forgets about it fairly soon. She has a similar reaction (actually far worse) if she is served a dinner that she doesn't want. Maybe I am making more of it than I need to.

@JanglyBeads I really don't think anything would come of this. One time I was worried about something she said about her dad and after I reported it, SS came to my home for a visit, downplayed everything I said, then just had a call with him. There's literally no point trying to get attention on bad parenting when dealing with a charming narcissist who doesn't commit any physical abuse.

But there is a point if your DD is being harmed in any way. I know it's frustrating, believe me, but keep reporting it.