To be worried about how much my daughter likes my boyfriend

[cocavino]

She is 6. I have been with the boyfriend for 9 months. We are very serious.

My boyfriend is an incredibly lovely person and is super fun with kids. My daughter loves joking around with him.

He often comes over for the evening and stays in the spare room while my daughter sleeps with me. (Maybe 3-4 nights per week on average).

My daughter now throws tantrums when I tell her he isn't coming over. Is this weird? Concerning? I don't know what to make of it.

It’s not making sense at all that you feel suspicious of men who spend time with children but have this stranger sleeping in her home in such a short relationship.

Are you sure that your boundaries match your values?

As a pp has mentioned, while he's there your DD gets to sleep in your bed which is the ultimate comfort.

Can your DP sleep on the sofa so DD is consistently in her own bed?

I have known many men (and women) who like children and to the utmost best of my knowledge none of them were paedophiles and there was nothing creepy about it. Some were maybe a little immature but really, what kind of a monster wouldn't like children?
I think that it is weird to find it suspicious. Yes keep appropriate boundaries in place and don't give people you don't know well unsupervised access to your children, but there is no need to find it weird if someone gets on with kids.

As to when to introduce your kids to a new partner, I'd say this is mumsnet so wait at least 30 years and even then proceed with caution.

Seriously though, surely part of scoping out a new partner and seeing if it could work longer term is seeing how they respond to your kids and v.v. - yes keep affection away from them, don't have them sleeping over, just introduce them as a friend (among a range of friends) and don't hype it up, but if you've been seeing someone a few months and it's serious, then they have to meet your kids at some point.

She sleeps with me all the time. Admittedly it's probably a bad habit, but she literally seems traumatised when she comes home from her dad's. I'm uncertain how to stop this especially because I don't want him to start sleeping with me and for her to feel abandoned.

He does tidy up etc when here, which means I can pay more attention to my daughter.

I've been lovebombed before, by my daughter's narcissistic father. This is not lovebombing. It's a very mutual relationship.

I don't think she is wrong to like him. I'm just generally worried about being a good mum

Yabu for introducing your child to him so early. Absurd.

I agree with those who say this has moved too fast with respect to your daughter. You say she's got to know him 'better' over the last three months, but has obviously known him longer than that. How far into the relationship did you introduce him?

The reason people suggest waiting a while to introduce a new partner to children is so you can establish the relationship between yourselves before any children become involved. Nine months in is a very short period to decide he's in for the long haul.

And yes, why is he unlikely to have children of his own?

Gosh this man has gone from being good with kids, to seeking out their company in the eyes of some posters. 🤦‍♀️ Should I be suspicious of my kids' nursery workers, they actively sought out employment working around small children? Or is it okay if they're women?
OP doesn't seem to be taking any risks, she recognises the signs of "love bombing" and hasn't seen them so far. Otherwise we'd have to assume that outwardly bad men are bad (obviously), and outwardly good men are just hiding their true selves. If she is cautious around their attachment, it sounds like she'd be take action immediately at any sign her partner was behaving inappropriately towards her DD.

He sounds lovely 😊

Because I am not planning to have any more children.

So you’re planning to stay together forever with a man you effectively suspect might be a paedophile?

If he likes children so much are you not concerned he'll decide he wants a child of his own and leave you for someone who feels the same way?

I took a considered approach before introducing him to her. She knows that I have friends. She meets my friends. Why would it be a problem for her to know that I have a (male) friend who comes over sometimes to watch tv and talk after she goes to bed.

My children are the same with my boyfriend. They don't have their Dad in their life so they love male attention. I think its pretty normal for them to crave that when they don't have it elsewhere. Its the classic male rough housing and silliness that they don't get from poor stressed out Mum.

I have trauma surrounding men too and I keep the communication lines open with my children, made it clear they can speak to me if they feel uncomfortable and made it very clear they are my priority. I don't think I can do more then that other then be alone forever. Some women choose that, I initially did too but I reconnected with an old friend/ex boyfriend and it just happened. I don't see why my past trauma should stop me being happy as long as my children are happy.

I don’t think it is unusual. Around 7 years ago, I dated a women who had a 7 year old. I had never been around kids as had no younger siblings or one of my own so it was a learning curve. By the 3rd time we met, the little girl would run up to me and give me a big cuddle when I came over and then try to stop me going to work when I was leaving the next day and get upset.

I had never been around kids before and thought this was unusual until the mother assured me that kids form attachments quickly.

He sounds nice and I hope he treats you both well.

Of course. We have talked about it and he has said that he would be an idiot to give up a relationship with someone who offers everything he wants over something like this. He also has a close relationship with his niece and nephew and he would hope to have an appropriate place in my daughter's life.

Okay... doesn't mean he can't though does it? 🙄 you sound a right charmer. He can make that decision for himself

My last message was to @Jaffacakeorisitabiscuit

@EmilyGilmoresSass that's really unnecessary. He's pretty clear that he wants to be with me. Therefore it's pretty clear he's not having kids.

Do you understand the confusion people have about the fact UOU say "I am suspicious of literally any man who enjoys spending time with children" but introduced a bloke to your own child after seeing him for just six months?

@monsteramunch I didn't realise how well he got on with kids. He didn't push to meet her or anything.

You introduced him too soon, OP.

Plus your relationship may offer him "everything he wants" while it's all new and exciting and lovey-dovey. But if he wants in due course to have children and you don't, then the relationship will decidedly not offer him everything he wants. I would generally take it much more gradually, though that ship has sailed in terms of you putting your daughter in a position where she's bound to become attached to him, before you even know if the relationship will last.

I think it’s good to be cautious of men around children but then I’m also perplexed at why you introduced him so quickly?

You say he has a close relationship with his niece and nephew, but also say that you didn't realise how well he gets on with kids?

Fucking hell, the op isn’t asking whether he’s a pedo, just whether it’s an issue that her dd has formed such a strong an attachment to a so-far short term relationship.