To be worried about how much my daughter likes my boyfriend

[cocavino]

She is 6. I have been with the boyfriend for 9 months. We are very serious.

My boyfriend is an incredibly lovely person and is super fun with kids. My daughter loves joking around with him.

He often comes over for the evening and stays in the spare room while my daughter sleeps with me. (Maybe 3-4 nights per week on average).

My daughter now throws tantrums when I tell her he isn't coming over. Is this weird? Concerning? I don't know what to make of it.

@JanglyBeads I am worried about being pegged as a troublemaker. SS didn't believe me before and I am not from this country. My ex is very posh and sophisticated and already has hinted at making charges of parental alienation against me (which is crap, but still can gain traction)

How is she when at school?

When you SS didn't believe you, what exactly did they say?
It may be that they just concluded there was insufficient evidence to take it any further.

@JanglyBeads her teacher told me that she lacks confidence.

No, the SS lady minimised from the first moment she came into my home. All focus was on me, and there was zero interest in taking it forward. I think that she thought I was exaggerating even though I tried to be very balanced and just shared what happened. I actually talked to the GP to start with and didn't even want a SS referral.

My ex then used the whole thing to fuel accusations that I am encouraging parental alienation and that I am trying to take our daughter from him.

She lacks confidence and suffers with anxiety.

You are concerned she is treated poorly at her dads due to her being upset when she returns.

Those are a lot of big feelings for a little one to go through, without a new male figure being in her home for half of the week when she's only known him 5/6 months.

Would you not consider dialling back to dating him / him staying over once a week or something?

You don't need to break up but you do need to prioritise your daughter by creating a stable home for the two of you independently rather than one where 50% of the time a new male figure is there, because if the relationship ends then she will have another set of big feelings to contend with.

Even if you say with words that it's not his home and he doesn't live there, your actions are telling her otherwise because he's around most nights. To her, he's basically moved in.

It's just an awful lot to expect a little one to navigate and she understandably isn't coping with it.

Why don't you stop having your boyfriend sleeping at yours while your daughter is there? You can have him over or go to his every other weekend and once a week. I think that is enough for your little girl to process with a man she hasn't known long. She will still see him sometimes, just not in her mum's bed.

If you do that see how your daughter is and tackle any concerns you have about her dad.

She's not seeing him in her mum's bed, he sleeps in the spare room.

Did ss put anything in wiring after their visit OP?

*writing

@JanglyBeads they put something in writing that made everything seem fine and made me out to be hysterical.

I'd like to know the actual wording.

Sometimes it's possible to misinterpret professional turns of phrase.

@JanglyBeads my recollection was it was quite long. I would have to pull it out. My impression is that it was intended to provide a baseline for any future SS visits.

My ex is actually pulling a bunch of crazy stuff right now, making unreasonable demands and basically saying he can control aspects of my and my daughter's life because he pays child maintenance

Ignore, ignore, ignore.

It really doesn't matter what anyone says, you've made up your mind and will continue making excuses even though SS has already become involved.