To be worried about how much my daughter likes my boyfriend

[cocavino]

She is 6. I have been with the boyfriend for 9 months. We are very serious.

My boyfriend is an incredibly lovely person and is super fun with kids. My daughter loves joking around with him.

He often comes over for the evening and stays in the spare room while my daughter sleeps with me. (Maybe 3-4 nights per week on average).

My daughter now throws tantrums when I tell her he isn't coming over. Is this weird? Concerning? I don't know what to make of it.

Op I get that you are suspicious of men, the media and history tells us to be suspicious of men. Is there any other reason why you might be suspicious of this man? Past abuse might be a reason, his behaviour might be a reason? If you have a sixth sense about it please be aware

Is there anything you do different when he comes over?

Does she always share with you?
Does she get a late bedtime or extra tv time?

One of my friends used to come over every Friday night when I was a single parent and one of my DD's had a massive huff once when she didn't come. Took me ages to work out that it was because my friend always brought cherries with her and my DDs got some. No friend = no cherries and that was a big deal to a 3yo!

He will probably never have children of his own...

How come? Has he tried in the past @cocavino ?

This place is fucking nuts.

A guy who seems nice is now dubbed by amateur mumsnet shrinks a love bombing paedophile.

OP, please don't be guilted into lowering your alert-levels around men, particularly when it's your children to be concerned about (they only have your alertness to rely upon whilst lacking their own).

I wish my parents/ grandparents had been the "suspicious" types. They weren't. I am now.

You have introduced too early though.
Why no children of his own?

I can't see how assuming that every random Mr Nice guy is indeed a nice guy benefits anyone apart from...yeah, the dodgy guys.

On the other hand, being suspicious of "nice" male strangers who seek out the presence of children - where's harm in that?
This is definitely one of those Better safe than sorry situations.

Of course she does. She may have a dad but you’ve split from him and she has no father figure in your home. Of course she gravitates toward the first nice man you introduce as a father figure - that’s totally natural.

In spite of what some like to believe when you split with your young childrens father they don’t just compartmentalise their feelings of wanting for a father (or mother) figure and let them out again when it’s weekend with dad or whatever, they have them all the time and can often transfer them onto your new partners, which is when things get messy and why so many people advise against splitting with young kids. It really is confusing for them.

To think your young daughter is in the wrong for gravitating toward the father figure in her own home (and you have made him the father figure simply by being in a relationship with him whether you like it or not) is your mistake not hers.

@JustLyra

I don’t think there’s a secret explanation. He is literally the male figure with Mum in the young daughters (main?) home - of course she is treating him like a daddy figure, it’s only natural.

I think your little daughter is behaving quite normally for a child her age. If your boyfriend is kind and pays her attention, she will naturally enjoy being with him. At the moment there is still novelty value.

My view is that it isn't a good idea to have him staying over, albeit he sleeps in a different room to you. It would have been better to conduct your relationship away from home or else just entertain him as a friend who goes home to sleep. Far too soon to introduce him to your daughter as a 'boyfriend'. However that is your business. Thankfully you are not moving in together.

other than that I am suspicious of literally any man who enjoys spending time with children.

Yet you introduced your daughter to him just six months in.

This was my first thought. Why would you do that?

10 years? I'm not sure. For some people where their ex doesn't have the child overnight, they don't have a support network when on earth would they form a relationship. I do agree it's best not to rush, but where is the line where its suddenly acceptable? You could date someone for 3 years and then go on to split up after introducing them. I actually think it's fairer on the child and safer for them to be aware of who is in the home with them so not a fan of sneaking about personally.

It’s completely normal for a six year old to form a strong attachment to an adult who spends a lot of time in her house, and normal for her to miss him when he’s not there. She’s still so little, these attachments are are hugely important part of her life. It’s not her fault her father doesn’t live with her, and she still has that primal need to be loved and accepted by the adults she lives with, so of course she feels this way about your boyfriend.

Does your dd have to sleep in her own bed when he's not there ?

6 months is a normal time to consider introducing a new partner, unless on MN then it’s 5yrs. It all sounds normal, she’s just excited to have someone new in your life, it can be a little dull when it’s just mum and 1 child, I say that as my son has gone off to Uni and just my DD and I now, plus the dog!

Good point - I imagine that when he’s staying over, DD gets lots of attention - bf is trying to endear himself to mummy by paying dd lots of attention, mummy is on her best behaviour (and not tired or bad tempered) because bf is there, dd gets to sleep in mummy’s bed… I don’t think it’s a hard question to answer!

Being suspicious of any man who enjoys spending time with children though - that’s one warped mindset you have.

This.

I don’t see any problem here except maybe it’s time to get your daughter to sleep in her own bed

Agreed. No way would someone I'd known 6 months have access to my daughter and be staying over half the week

Agreed. I particularly dislike this millennial driven term “lovebombing”. I want to be romanced, swept off my feet and feel adored.

Most of us can tell the difference between being smitten and being stalked. This new term lovebombing distorts romance and harassment!

This is a good summary of how confusing the whole thing is for your dd. I also think he is staying in your home way too early and this relationship is too intense. Your dd is acting intensely precisely for this reason and reflecting your behaviour back at you. You hardly know this guy and should have kept it lighter until perhaps the 2 year mark of your relationship.

Lots on MN have a very warped view of men and relationships to be fair, thankfully it's largely not representative of most people.

Being suspicious of any man who enjoys spending time with children though - that’s one warped mindset you have.

So harsh. It’s not a warped mindset, it’s a trauma response. Likely OP is aware of that which is why she’s treating her suspicion with a pinch of salt.

It all sounds very bizarre.

I think you have rushed things. Some ‘suspicion’ is healthy, bit it would be better if he did’t stay over so soon.

Well according to posts on here, I introduced DD to my, at the time boyfriend, too soon.

Years down the line and he's adopted DD (having been through the quite invasive step-parent adoption process) and we have a bio child, too.

While I agree OP (or anybody) should approach these situations cautiously, I don't think it's a one-size-fits-all in terms of timescales and approach.