To be worried about how much my daughter likes my boyfriend

[cocavino]

She is 6. I have been with the boyfriend for 9 months. We are very serious.

My boyfriend is an incredibly lovely person and is super fun with kids. My daughter loves joking around with him.

He often comes over for the evening and stays in the spare room while my daughter sleeps with me. (Maybe 3-4 nights per week on average).

My daughter now throws tantrums when I tell her he isn't coming over. Is this weird? Concerning? I don't know what to make of it.

people regularly used to get married after 6 months of barely knowing each other. And then they couldn't get rid.

But you have a child.

There is a massive difference between a childless couple acting erratically because they’re in the honeymoon phase and a single parent who has previously been in a bad relationship.

It’s concerning that you don’t seem to understand this.

I didnt have children to consider though .

There's something about male energy that does make things more fun. The kids love it when my husband comes home from work.

He doesn't have to be secretly toxic to one day decide his want for a child of his own is greater than his love for you. It happens! You seem very naieve in this relationship, all guards have been let down and after just 9 months you think you will be together forever. I really hope for your sake and your daughters this doesn't end in heartbreak for everyone.

Personally I think it’s sensible to develop your relationship away from your DD for at least a year if not longer before slowly introducing the new partner, he is already staying over and you barely know him! Why can’t he stay when she isn’t there? Or you to him when she is with her dad?
He doesn’t need to be involved in your DDs life at all right now, you mentioned introducing friends but he is more than a friend and you have a very different dynamic with someone you have an intimate relationship with so it isn’t comparable, especially as friends don’t tend to visit every week or stay over for several nights.
I couldn’t let a stranger get so close to my children so quickly.

Fgs. Mumsnet thinks every single mother should wear a hair shirt. What do you all think is going to happen to my daughter exactly?

My bf and I have a very stable and undramatic relationship. We are nerdy, professional people who don't engage in drama or risky activity of any kind.

My daughter knows that she comes first. She hasn't been left alone with my boyfriend.

We all have a great time together and I have more time to spend with my daughter thanks to my boyfriend's help around the house when he is over.

I take the point that he's more fun and exciting than I am, and that it's natural for her to want to spend time with him as a result. This is fine for me now that I have had it spelled out for me clearly here.

TBH this all seems very quick to me, even if there wasn't a small child involved.

You're not that long out of a relationship you needed therapy to recover from and yet you have a new man embedded into your life very early on. I'd have though for 6m at least, you'd stick with "dating" and work around time DD is with her Dad.

He might well be lovely but you can't have known that 3 months into the relationship.

Exactly.

Prioritizing your own love life over your daughter's well-being is not admirable. Why do you need to be dating at all, other than casually while she's at her dad's??

Does your DD have her 'own room' where her things, her bed and her toys and clothes are?

@ZeldaWillTellYourFortune Why do you need to be dating at all, other than casually while she's at her dad's??

Is it really a mystery why I would want to have a personal life, after 10 years in a terrible relationship and 2.5 years fully alone?

@Seaweed42 yes, DD has her own room with toys and a beautiful bed and loads of lovely things. I had her sleeping there for a while but she strayed back into my bed after she came home from an extended stay with her father and she was super clingy and needy with me as a result.

My boyfriend sleeps in the spare room when he's over.

Just because you "want" something doesn't mean it's appropriate.

I dont think 6 months is an outrageously short amount of time to introduce someone to your kid if its a serious thing, and its not a rotation of partners coming and going.

I think it does look like you maybe need to do more fun stuff with her yourselg, without him though, otherwise she will associate him with fun stuff and happy family feelings, when its you and her that are the family unit and he is just your boyfriend.
I dont feel damaged by my mum and dad having relationships and friendships that ended, even though i got on great with all of their partners. There are other more important variables

@Electronicmind He might well be lovely but you can't have known that 3 months into the relationship.

Do you really think this? I've learned all about narcissism, have done the Freedom Program, etc. I'm on the lookout for boundary pushing and other red flags.

Also, they didn't spend any time together 3 months into the relationship.

What about 9 months in? Is it possible that I know him now?

My boyfriend sleeps in the spare room when he's over.

LOL. Sure he does.

Some of the replies are just classic Mumsnet. Man gets on with children? Must be a pedo!

@ComtesseDeSpair wtf.

Fgs. Mumsnet thinks every single mother should wear a hair shirt. What do you all think is going to happen to my daughter exactly?

You’re the one who started a thread because you were concerned about your DDs behaviour, yet you’re getting defensive.

What exactly did you want posters to say?

You are completely in denial and that is very concerning.

You say yourself you were in a bad relationship for 10 years - so why are you rushing into a brand new one?

It doesn’t matter how long you were single for.

What matters is that you already know that abusive partners don’t show their true colours at the beginning - yet you’ve rushed into a relationship and have him staying over half the week already.

I think your previous relationship has clouded your judgement and you’ve jumped at the first guy who’s ‘nice’ because that’s not what you’re used to.

Your boyfriend isn’t showing any red flags from what you’ve said (not that you would recognise them) but you are.

It’s very worrying how someone who’s been in a terrible relationship for 10 years decided it was a good idea to introduce their child to a man they knew for 6 months and have him live there for half the week after only 9 months and your excuse is that ‘he helps around the house’.

I don't think 6 months was too soon to properly introduce them. You go with your own gut as a parent. I introduced my now DP and DD1 after only a few months and now we are engaged with another DD and everyone gets on great and I don't regret the time frame as it felt right. However! The fact you are feeling weird about how close they've got obviously says something. Whether it's just jealousy on your part as your daughter is seeming to be more fond of him than you (probably just excitement as he's new) or something else but you need to have a proper think about things as you shouldn't have these kind of feelings if this man is in your daughters life

You'll do as you please, clearly. Just know that introducing a new man is the single biggest risk faced by a child. Hopefully this is all good, but even if it is, you can't have known that when you brought him into her life.

OP, I don't know why you chose to post in AIBU, then get angry and defensive when people suggest you are. I feel you chose the wrong topic on this occasion.

@CarefreeMe putting my daughter aside, I think that most abusive men have tells. If I had been more conscious of abuse, I would have spotted my ex a mile away. I believe that my boyfriend would have demonstrated some behaviour of concern by now

Introducing them is very different to having them stay over several times a week every week which is what people are saying is most concerning.

@Branleuse that's a great point. I will try to schedule some special mummy daughter activities. She tends to be very grumpy and to resist new things, but maybe I can think of some stuff that she would definitely enjoy, like going out for pizza etc

I think that most abusive men have tells.

I don’t think they usually do at first unless they are love bombing.

If they did show their red flags too early then then no one would get into a relationship with them.

They put the mask on and are lovely, then it starts slipping once they already have you, that’s why it’s often difficult to leave.

@ZeldaWillTellYourFortune WTF?! Are you really saying that it's inappropriate for single mothers to date? Or have a relationship? Seriously?