To be worried about how much my daughter likes my boyfriend

[cocavino]

She is 6. I have been with the boyfriend for 9 months. We are very serious.

My boyfriend is an incredibly lovely person and is super fun with kids. My daughter loves joking around with him.

He often comes over for the evening and stays in the spare room while my daughter sleeps with me. (Maybe 3-4 nights per week on average).

My daughter now throws tantrums when I tell her he isn't coming over. Is this weird? Concerning? I don't know what to make of it.

But if you're cautious about new men around your child (as you should be, it's sensible for any parent to be) then why did you introduce one to your child after just six months of knowing him? There's a huge conflict in your words and your behaviour there which I think is worth you exploring. Can you not see the conflict?

Agree. Seriously poor judgement.

You should be laser-focused on your daughter's well-being and development, not your love life. There will be time later for dating.

It probably is a thing but OP just described a good partner and the PP who brought up love bombing seemed to be implying that a good relationship=love bombing.

I hope the relationship lasts for her sake. Shes obviously formed an attachment

Far too early. You’ve known him for nine months = you don’t know him at all. You only know the version of him who wants to be accepted by you and your family.

What happens to your daughter’s feelings when or if you split up? It could really shake her little world.

I agree.
And OP said they’ve known each other for at least 3 months so it was much less than 9 months.

@OneTC yes sorry I realise this. I was responding to the poster criticising the concept.

I wasn't implying that this is happening for the OP.

I do think he was introduced way too early but that can't be changed now.

I've told my boyfriend that this is my position. I told him on literally the second date. He can make his own decisions about whether our relationship or kids are more important to him.

It's not clear to me when people think I should have introduced them. I was totally single for 2.5 years while I worked on healing from the trauma of my relationship with her father. I managed to be content single, but I am incredibly, surprisingly happy now that I have a kind and supportive partner. I think that this has a positive impact on her tbh.

*and he has actively decided that the relationship is what he wants. He's not the sort to get his head turned. We are very happy.

With all due respect you've known this person for 9 months

I've also met his family and close friends. Everything that I have seen reinforces my understanding of who and what he is. If everything falls apart (which would come as a total shock), I am very certain it won't be because he's secretly toxic.

@OneTC correct. But we are both in our 40s and we have both gone through a lot. I think that we are both able to know what we want and who we are. I also think that we are both very honest with each other and with ourselves.

I'm not making any big commitments for a long time, but equally we are where we are now, fairly integrated into each others' lives.

It's not clear to me when people think I should have introduced them

Even if you had introduced him that would be one thing.

But he's staying in her home more than half the week. Overnight.

And you've only been together for nine months.

The fact you think that's sensible is a massive red flag when it comes to your boundaries.

That's not a nasty thing to say, it's factual. You have not been making sensible decisions that show appropriate boundaries and expectations and take into account your daughters needs as priority.

You could date him and let the relationship develop independently from her. He could come to the cinema with you guys, go for meals with you, have movie / game nights. Instead you've half moved him in. He's in her space more than half the nights of the week.

That is creating a false sense of intimacy and casting him in the role of a family member in her eyes. That's why she's getting so attached.

And it's inappropriate and shows poor boundaries because you don't know him well enough, for long enough, for him to be in that role.

My god, do all of you also wait 2+ years before introducing any of your friends to your children? They must go to pieces if a well-liked neighbour moves away (if they ever met them at all, god forbid a kid should form an attachment to someone who won't be around for all eternity).

OP, yes, it's normal for kids to get really attached to some people. I think you've been sensible to be hyperaware of the interactions between a new man and your daughter. But unsurprisingly, it turns out that some men are just nice. And I say that as an abuse survivor.

She hasn't just introduced him though, he's spending more than half the nights every week there. Nine months in.

He probably isnt toxic ,but with all due respect nine months is still a very new relatiinship and i say this a someone who got married after knowing my dh just six months ,we are still together ,but we have had testing times , the honeymoon period is always great , but eventuslly reality will kick in ,maybe you will stay together maybe you wont

This x1000. Well said.

i say this a someone who got married after knowing my dh just six months 🤔

And? If OP had taken a lodger we'd applaud her for getting to know the person for 6 months first. The only difference here is that OP has a sex life, tsk tsk.

Man really can't win can they?

They like spending time with their partners kids? Paedophiles
They don't like their partners kids? Get rid.

Likewise:
"he's shown no red flags so far" Love bombing
He shows a red flag. Get rid.

I sometimes think the old rules made a lot of sense.

For example, you wouldn't have dreamt of marrying him so soon, but as far as DD concerned that's what you've done. You've moved him into the family home and set him up as a father figure. Under the old "rules" that would have been completely unacceptable, unless you were married.

Obviously moral rules used to control the population have their issues, but some sense is needed. If you wouldn't marry him in the old fashioned way, why would you have him in this position? I'm not saying people should be married before living together BTW, I understand marriage itself isn't right for many now, but having your DD get so close to him should surely be viewed as a similar commitment level?

A year maybe. And after doing Claire's Law and Sarah's Law applications.

6 months is no time to know someone before letting them sleep in a house with your child.

@Electronicmind people regularly used to get married after 6 months of barely knowing each other. And then they couldn't get rid.

Also, he hasn't moved in? He has his own home and I am very clear to my daughter that he's a guest at ours

I'm not making any big commitments for a long time, but equally we are where we are now, fairly integrated into each others' lives.

But your words don’t match up with your actions.

You allowed him to meet your DD after 6 months.

You’ve met all of his friends and family.

He stays over half the week.

You can’t wonder why your DDs feelings are so intense, when this relationship is very intense.

It may last forever, which is great - if that’s the case then why the rush.

It’s different if your DD didn’t see her dad and you couldn’t see your partner unless you introduced them.

Just slow down and you’ll find your DD also slows down too.

Stay over his when she’s at her dads and have him come over once a week when she’s at yours.

You could date him and let the relationship develop independently from her. He could come to the cinema with you guys, go for meals with you, have movie / game nights. Instead you've half moved him in. He's in her space more than half the nights of the week.

That is creating a false sense of intimacy and casting him in the role of a family member in her eyes. That's why she's getting so attached.

And it's inappropriate and shows poor boundaries because you don't know him well enough, for long enough, for him to be in that role.