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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bridesmaid drama's

306 replies

gemmalouise36 · 30/06/2022 09:26

I have 6 bridesmaids and have just found out that 3 of them aren’t coming to my hen do, 1 reason is because they don’t drink (but are ok in drinking situations) , 2 because of the money (yet they go away 3/4 times a year and are a blood relative), and the other one hasn’t given a reason but ive known her for 20 odd years, and she is going away for another wedding abroad the following month. Am I ok for being annoyed? Would you demote bridemaids for not being there for you or am I overreacting?

OP posts:
beenaroundtheblox · 30/06/2022 09:29

I think it depends on what your hen do is. If it is costing people a lot (maybe more than say £30 each) then you can't expect people to pay for that. Your wedding (and especially your hen do) is not that important to other people. If they've told you nicely they can't make it then sorry but that's up to them. I can see why you're disappointed but 'demoting' them is quite childish.

CRbear · 30/06/2022 09:30

depends how much the hen do is and how inconvenient it is to attend! I chose people I adore to be my BMs so if they said they couldn’t come I’d never have picked the date or if it was past that stage I’d trust they had a damn good reason.

beenaroundtheblox · 30/06/2022 09:31

Could you maybe plan something more inclusive instead? Drinks and pizza at home? Small lunch out? Coffee and cake morning?

Iamthehickeymonster · 30/06/2022 09:31

I think this is very shabby of them. They are supposed to be arranging it, nevermind showing up.

Ducksinthebath · 30/06/2022 09:32

I’m getting the feeling you thrive on the drama. Demote them? Catch onto yourself quick or they’ll quit.

Shedcity · 30/06/2022 09:33

They’re not ‘being there for you’ by going on a night out/trip away
are they actually there for you in everything else?

if it’s one night out you may have more of a point but if you booked a 2/3 night stay somewhere without consulting people and just expected them to cough up then that’s on you

Christinatheastonishing · 30/06/2022 09:34

What's involved and how much will it cost?

GoodThinkingMax · 30/06/2022 09:35

YABU.

Your wedding is important to you, but it’s not the main thing in other people’s lives and you can’t expect them to prioritise a hen do. It’s not the wedding, and to be honest, some hen dos get so OTT and expensive that I’d be looking for any excuse not to attend.

And as for talking about “demoting” - makes you sound about 13.

PandaOrLion · 30/06/2022 09:35

Who organised the hen do? Mine was a surprise so I trusted the hens only organised what they knew they could all afford.

It sounds like you don’t respect their decisions or that they might have legit reasons for not wanting to be there. That’s not a personal slight on you - it’s their choice.

Comefromaway · 30/06/2022 09:36

Assuming that you have organised a night out that is relatively inexpensive on a date that everyone can make then YANBU.

If. however your plans involve overnight stays in expensive accommodation, activities and a plethora of other things that will take them away from their families/impact their ability to afford family holidays and activities then YABVU.

ViscountessBridgerton · 30/06/2022 09:36

Need more info, how much is your hen do costing? Is it abroad?

MrsTimRiggins · 30/06/2022 09:37

Really depends on what your hen do is tbh. If it’s a four day extravaganza of twattery abroad (I mean that in the nicest possible way, hen dos are all about the twattery) then you cannot blame people for not going. It’s a big time and money commitment for something that 1. wouldn’t enjoy as she doesn’t drink (one night is v different from several), 2. because she can’t afford it alongside her other priorities and 3. because she has a more pressing commitment (wedding>hen do) very near to the same time.
if it’s just a local night out, they’re being a bit mean.
I guess it’s up to you at the end of the day, but is it worth losing (presumably) otherwise good friends over?

LoudingVoice · 30/06/2022 09:39

Depends on a lot of things, what does your hen do involve? Have they been involved in the planning, is it really expensive/a number of nights away?

And where is your wedding taking place? Is it local, will it cost them money? Are you covering all the other BM costs like dresses/shoes/hair & makeup etc or are they contributing to that?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 30/06/2022 09:39

What is the hen?

WhenDovesFly · 30/06/2022 09:40

More context required. How long is the hen do, and how much will it cost?

If yours is a long weekend/week away then I can understand why some may not be able to make it.

JudgeRindersMinder · 30/06/2022 09:41

YABU purely for having 6 bridesmaids!

violetanemone · 30/06/2022 09:44

Well for the one who doesn't drink - have you arranged a very alcohol-heavy activity for your hen? It probably wouldn't be much fun for her and at worst, what if she actually has had an alcohol issue and doesn't want to be around it/ relapse? You can't really know what is going on for people.

Again, for the one who says she can't afford it - you probably don't know what's actually going on with her finances, even if she is going on other trips abroad. It might be that your hen is just one too many.

If these people are your friends - and good enough friends to be bridesmaids - then surely you should take what they say at face value.

Your post sounds a bit like you don't actually really like/ trust these people and in that case I'm wondering why you have chosen them to be bridesmaids in the first place?

beenaroundtheblox · 30/06/2022 09:44

Also if they've been up for it, booked it etc and than cancelled that is a bit unfair of them but still within their rights x

Icecreamsodaloda · 30/06/2022 09:44

Would you demote bridemaids for not being there for you or am I overreacting?

No but then I paid for my hen NIGHT activities and the participants only had to pay for their own drinks. What exactly have you planned? Money is incredibly tight at the moment for many people, the one paying out for a destination wedding probably can't afford it, the one having multiple holidays probably wants to spend her holidays doing what she wants, not organized fun celebrating you, and the drink one is a bit weird as can't see why she can't go but not drink but perhaps she feels she will be pressured or the rest of you will get trashed and she'll be the lonely sober one.

IncompleteSenten · 30/06/2022 09:46

What was the hen do going to be?

Lastqueenofscotland2 · 30/06/2022 09:47

I agree it depends what the hendo is. Anything more than about £100 and yes you’re probably being unreasonable

Holidayworries · 30/06/2022 09:48

Hen nights have gone way overboard in recent years. What is it you're wanting them to do?

Original poster
gemmalouise36 · 30/06/2022 09:51

ViscountessBridgerton · 30/06/2022 09:36

Need more info, how much is your hen do costing? Is it abroad?

Hi, so I'm one of the bridesmaids but am posting on behalf of the bride who is pretty upset and wanted some feedback from people not involved. It is abroad but not until next year giving us a year to pay it off (I don't want to give the exact amount as I'm sending this to the bride) but I don't have alot of money and I think its easily do able. We recently had a jubilee party and arranged and discussed the hen and where we were going - they all agreed and said they'd be there. Until a couple of weeks later when a deposit had to be paid, that's when half the bridal party decided they wasn't going 😔

OP posts:
HoppingPavlova · 30/06/2022 09:51

Depends on activity and cost. If it’s one night and around 30 for a non-drinker then YANBU. If it’s some destination thing with enhanced cost then YABVU. Too hard to say without knowing which scenario it is.

Favouritefruits · 30/06/2022 09:51

It depends on the cost, I think it’s awful people are guilted into paying £100s for a ‘party’ it’s just not some people’s cup of tea, I couldn’t think of anything worse than going on a traditional hen do. People need to cut back at the moment and priorities change, your friend is allowed to go on other holidays that are more important to her than your hen do, you should make people feel bad about prioritising.