Bridesmaid drama's

[gemmalouise36]

I have 6 bridesmaids and have just found out that 3 of them aren’t coming to my hen do, 1 reason is because they don’t drink (but are ok in drinking situations) , 2 because of the money (yet they go away 3/4 times a year and are a blood relative), and the other one hasn’t given a reason but ive known her for 20 odd years, and she is going away for another wedding abroad the following month. Am I ok for being annoyed? Would you demote bridemaids for not being there for you or am I overreacting?

Absolutely depends on what you are doing.

Personally I detest hen dos and avoid them like the plague if I can. Been there done that ,and got the tee-shirt.

6 bridesmaids is a lot! I had 3 and one little one but easily could have just had two.

They planned my hen night but stayed at my house and it was an evening out to an early meal out in a restaurant onto a comedy night which had a club it turned into- we were home in bed before 1.30am. Taxis were booked but these days you can order Uber easily. One of my BMs was pregnant and there was no pressure to drink.
Lots of my local friends (girls) joined us..
What have you arranged for your Hen night? If it's a weekend away then YABU you expect people to afford it or make arrangements, that really should only be arranged with everyone together so that it isn't unrealistic for your closest and nearest & dearest girls to come along.

That's very poor show tbh - even if you can't afford the whole hen package/day, you make an effort to join in for some of it.
Went to one 2 weeks ago where day was divided into 3 sections making t easier to join in with say, the morning brunch or evening dancing. Her BMs were there for the whole thing though.

I would of been mega pissed off if my BMs didn't come to my hen.

Irritating if they've gone back on their word but they've done it with plenty of notice so maybe just change to something more inclusive. They've agreed in the heat of the moment and have had a few days to think about it /discuss with partners etc. You need a plan B I'm afraid.

Cross-posted. If it’s destination and more than 30 for a non-drinker then it’s extremely unreasonable to expect people to go let alone be upset if they can’t/simply don’t want to. No one should ever be in a position of paying off a hens do over the course of a year😮.

Sounds like they've gone back on an agreement which is a bit shabby but honestly I think you/the bride are more at fault for expecting an abroad trip. It's really excessive and self absorbed to expect that much money from people in the first place.

If they were friends enough to be your bridesmaids, they should be friends enough to have genuine reasons. And you should be friend enough to accept that graciously.

I get that it’s disappointing, but no, don’t ‘demote’ them, that’s just spiteful. YABU.

I’d reassess the plans at this point, sounds like everyone got a bit giddy as to what they could commit to and have now realised it’s too much.

A hen party abroad is a big ask - change the plans to something cheaper/easier.

What about the wedding, are all the BM costs for that being covered or will that be an expense for them too?

your abroad hen? you cant really just pop in though?

Hen holidays are asking a lot of people. You are dictating how they spend their money and their leave (I suspect Bridesmaid 3 has probably counted up her days leave, and realised she can't make both a hen and a wedding a month apart. In that case I would consider a wedding far more important to attend). I get that they are a lovely thing for the bride, but personally I would not agree to a "holiday" that is tailored to one person's whims. Especially with the cost of living crisis.

Ah this is a reverse

It's really annoying when you do that OP.

People don't have to spend £100s on a weekend abroad for a hen do. With spending money on top, that's a LOT to expect especially with high petrol gas and electric bills at the moment -

Y are allowed to spend their money on going on holiday to relax with their family if they prefer! So who cares if they go on 3/4 holidays a year that's NOYB, It's entitled to moan that they are making this choice instead of blowing that money in a hen weekend away. If others can't afford it scale down the plans

Now if everyone agreed to the hen trip abroad and then 3 refused to pay once it was booked that's not on, but is it booked and did they actually agree? ... ie When sober, not at a party when drinking..?

It's poor form all this "it's all about meeee " as I must have hen weekend holiday abroad where everyone fusses around me malarkey

Isn't the wedding day being about you and DH2B enough? And the honeymoon afterwards. Blimey weddings are expensive enough, then being part of wedding party, without adding on at least £500 as well on top of that (hen holiday + spending money)

Don’t mean to sound rude but it’s completely irrelevant that it’s a year away and that you think it’s doable… if money was an issue for me, I wouldn’t be putting my family money away for a year to pay for a hen do that I essentially wouldn’t enjoy. Priorities and all that.
sorry the bride is disappointed but she’ll just have to adjust her expectations.

Six adult bridesmaids seems a bit over the top, is that usual?
Of course no-one has to come to your hen do. I avoid them like the plague.

If it is abroad then it doesn't matter how long people have to save up for it. It is unreasonable to expect someone to use that amount of money on a hen do.

That's the problem, it's abroad. I'd not be up for going abroad either for a hen do, not when I could use the money to go abroad with my own family. Plus it's holiday time from work I'd have to use for it, again not something I'd be keen on doing.

Bride needs to scale back, she's a bride, not a princess.

If you're implying that it will take a year to save up for then it sounds too expensive.

Hen parties abroad are just too much to expect. I know it’s not nice they’ve backed out but if they can’t afford it then they just can’t afford it.

its the wedding that counts, not the party beforehand. People are struggling and it’s only going to get worse in the coming months. Could you not also do a dinner close to home to include everyone if the hen is so important then the trip just for those that can afford it. As for demoting people I guess that depends how much their friendships mean to the bride.

I wouldn't be having them as bridesmaids. This is part of the commitment of being a bridesmaid, organising and attending the hen do, you can't just opt out of the parts you don't want to do. They shouldn't have agreed to be bridesmaids if they couldn't commit. But 6 bridesmaids is a lot

I really would not go to a hen party abroad. Sorry. What's wrong with an afternoon out?

Agree, maybe cut down on the number of bridesmaids for a start. Six is excessive unless you are planning on them bursting into a chorus from the musical Six as entertainment at the reception.

Just seen it’s abroad. As wonderful an idea it was when you were all together and excited, it’s a huge ask of people and in cold light of day is perhaps too much. Both the money and the time.

Does it really have to be abroad?

If it’s so important to have all 6 there, then speak to them, compromise, perhaps do a local meal for the 6, then you and your other BM’s have a few nights away before the wedding.

Don’t let it ruin your friendships, them not being able to go isn’t a reflection of your friendships, just harsh realities at the moment.

A holiday abroad for a hen do?

Remember when hen do's were a night out in town with your mates?

I think she is being very unreasonable. Exactly how much money does she want people to spend on her?

Is she paying for the bridesmaid's dresses? Hair? Make up? Or are they?

Will she be expecting gifts from them?

If what matters to her is celebrating with her friends then she can do that on a night out.

Save the holiday for her honeymoon.

Big hen dos are always a bit crap. I like my friends, I’d happily go on holiday with them, but I don’t want to to away with their weird uni flatmate, their work colleague, their cousin etc. If it required saving up for, because I didn’t have the money readily available then it would be a hard pass. Either the bride needs to accept people can’t come or tone it down to a single UK night.

She has covered the expense of everything for us bridesmaids, when she asked us she gave us lots of little gifts. The dresses, table place, food, and nights stay before the wedding is all being covered by her. They were fully involved in the planning of this Hen, and no one batted an eyelid at going abroad (except me tbf, I don't have alot of money, have kids and work commitments) but I knew how much it would mean to her if I didn't go.