Bridesmaid drama's

[gemmalouise36]

I have 6 bridesmaids and have just found out that 3 of them aren’t coming to my hen do, 1 reason is because they don’t drink (but are ok in drinking situations) , 2 because of the money (yet they go away 3/4 times a year and are a blood relative), and the other one hasn’t given a reason but ive known her for 20 odd years, and she is going away for another wedding abroad the following month. Am I ok for being annoyed? Would you demote bridemaids for not being there for you or am I overreacting?

Do the bridesmaids all know each other and do they all get on? How long is the hen do?

The problem with week-long hen dos abroad is if you’re mixing a group of people who aren’t already friends (Eg: colleagues, family, colleagues, old school friends) and lots of people don’t know each other well anything more than a night is a long time for people to have to spend in a group where they don’t know everyone well. Add to that having to save up for the privilege of a holiday somewhere you probably wouldn’t have chosen with people you wouldn’t have chosen, having to take off annual leave and sort out childcare etc and it’s no wonder people drop out.

Hen dos abroad only really work if it is a single group of close, well established friends who would choose to holiday together even if it wasn’t a hen do situation. In any other circumstance the hen do is just going to become a chore.

If it’s important to the bride to have everybody there scale back the plans a bit, do something in the UK and keep it to being just a couple of days.

Right, so because it is something you have prioritised, you think everyone else should?

The days of expensive Hen and Stag do's are numbered, the cost of living crisis means most people are prioritising things closer to home.

The other 'hens' may have got caught up in the moment, or didn't want to say they couldn't afford it face to face, but the point is they are giving plenty of notice now and they are well within their rights to not go.

If you and the bride thing this is unreasonable, then you might want to think about what kind of friends your being to the others?

Unfortunately yabu sorry. I'm sure they don't want to disappoint you but a trip abroad is too much to ask, the cost, the annual leave and so on. Why not have a local night out as well? I promise none this is worth any drama or falling out, be gracious & enjoy the time with people who care about you enough to be a part of your wedding 😊

Hen parties abroad are a load of shite. The bloody pressure and expectation on people is ridiculous.

Hen doos abroad are bloody annoying but if they all agreed to it at the time then clearly they're being unreasonable. But at this point you might as well just do a night in your local town.

No, bride can't complain about people unable to go to a hen do abroad. Why would anyone want to use up their holiday and spend a lot of money going somewhere they haven't chosen?

The cost of living is too high for most people to want to commit to an expensive hen party abroad form next year. Once winter hits many will be struggling - I think bride should plan a hen in her home country. It’s great everyone gave the feedback this early so you have to reassess the plans.

It is abroad but not until next year giving us a year to pay it off

You haven't mentioned sums, but 500 or 1k or whatever it will be for a few days abroad is still money, whether there's 1 month or 1 year to save/pay it off. In fact the phrase "pay it off" already suggests it is too expensive.

I can't add any advice but wanted to let you know I'm in EXACTLY the same situation and it does feel very frustrating. I am spending so much money on them, and they can't be bothered even to come to my hen do.

I wonder if voting had been enabled this would be 100% YABU?

People always agree in the het of the moment but when they need to confirm be parting with cash tend to drop out for several reasons:

1. Cash. Yes a year away but may have other commitments need money for or as most are finding with cost of living are having to think carefully about how they spend their money

2. a trip abroad will probably entail using annual leave which not everyone gets a lot and depending on wedding venue/day they may already be committing some annual leave to wedding and feel they don't want to commit more leave to this wedding or have other needs for their leave entitlement

3. Depending on other commitments they may not want to be a way from home for this long or at this time.

4. For some the idea of going abroad and sharing accommodation with people they might not know very well is not something they feel comfortable doing. Or place/activities dont appeal

Perhaps a compromise is a smaller Hen party for abroad and just a night out for

Wake up. People are living through tough financial times. How self absorbed are some people to think that they are owed other people's time and money. And it is your problem that you spent alot of money. Nobody owes you anything other than turning up for your wedding if they are able to do so.

Good grief

I’m a bridesmaid,I’m not going to the hen do as the wedding is abroad,it’s costing a fortune!
I didn’t ask to be a bridesmaid!

@Triselly is it abroad? How much are you expecting people to pay?

Are you able to relate to any of the comments on here about cost of living, expenses, annual leave and that people may just not want to go?

Just because your wedding is super important to you, does not mean it is a priority for your friends (even close friends) they may have other stuff going on in their lives

Like a few others have said when you were all together and hyped up it would have sounded like a great idea. When they got home and told their partners who asked where the money was coming from, when they realised how little annual leave they had, when they realised they needed to call in more favours to help look after kids/pets.... multiple reasons, the shine probably very quickly came off the idea. I'm sure part of them would still love to go but in the cold light of day its probably just not practical.

You're "spending a lot of money on them" to do something you want to do. And you're expecting that the money buys you a gaggle of willing pawns to move around at your whim then denigrating them when it turns out they're independent adult humans with their own lives, free will, wants and needs (and budget). And worse than that, you're expecting them to contribute a not insignificant amount of money to their own pawnery.

WTF when did weddings get this ridiculous?

I thought most people with these tendencies stopped pushing their friends around at age 7 or 8 in the playground because they quickly realised no one wanted to play with them if they did that.

That's to OP (bridezilla? odddly sycophantic bridesmaid? who actually knows) and @Triselly

I can understand you are annoyed but if they aren't drinkers it's very tedious being around drunk girls and it will cost them a lot of money.
However as bridesmaids I feel that if it's just a night out then they should be there. If it's more than that (weekend or something more expensive). Then I understand

The fact one goes away several times doesn't mean that she has the siare cash to spend on the hen do

You and the bride are being ridiculous. People don't owe you an explanation of their circumstances.

Tbh y bride is being unreasonable, it’s ok to have these things if you can afford it but right now people don’t.

Just do a simple day or night out. We are in a cost of living crisis. No one has money for overblown hen parties.

What happened to hen dos where you go to the pub, have a few drinks and a laugh, go to a club dressed in silly stuff and get pissed and wake up with a banging head the next day but you are only lighter by 100 notes?

In these economic times it's asking too much.

I think you are spot on with this comment. I'm particularly frustrated as before the jubilee party where we all made the plans a poll went up on our fb page. It was asking people to vote on a destination UK, or other abroad options. They all picked abroad except for me. I picked UK for all the reasons people have said on this thread..money, kids annual leave, pets etc. So when I got to the jubilee party I was the only one that voted uk, it was there I was persuaded into going abroad. Tbh I'm really looking forward to it now but it does feel EXTREMELY frustrating 😐

I'd say 97%, because there's always some people who don't understand the voting and don't realise they can change their vote having pressed the wrong button, plus you're going to attract some bridezillas living in cloud cuckoo land with their own bubble of thoughts.

It’s probably frustrating but you can’t dictate how people spend their money, especially in todays climate. There’s so much expense even in just attending someone’s wedding these days. If the hen is more than a night out in your home city it’s a big ask. I had 2 bridesmaids not come and whilst I’d have loved them to be there, it’s understandable that some people don’t want to or can’t afford to spend a couple of hundred quid. New dress, drinks, transport, fancy dress, food, hotel… all adds up. Tell the bride to shake it off, enjoy her weekend with the ones that can afford it and enjoy planning her wedding.