Bridesmaid drama's

[gemmalouise36]

I have 6 bridesmaids and have just found out that 3 of them aren’t coming to my hen do, 1 reason is because they don’t drink (but are ok in drinking situations) , 2 because of the money (yet they go away 3/4 times a year and are a blood relative), and the other one hasn’t given a reason but ive known her for 20 odd years, and she is going away for another wedding abroad the following month. Am I ok for being annoyed? Would you demote bridemaids for not being there for you or am I overreacting?

No they’re not being at all unreasonable for not going abroad for a hen do. Sorry, the bride needs to stop being so entitled.

She has covered the expense of everything for us bridesmaids, when she asked us she gave us lots of little gifts. The dresses, table place, food, and nights stay before the wedding is all being covered by her.

She is meant to do that. That's what you do for a wedding for your bridesmaids and guests, you pay for their food. Bridesmaids usually get their rooms paid for too, and dresses etc. That's not an excuse.

They didn't think it through, that's all. Not the type to think stuff through properly probably, but that's on them. They don't have to go, you could always still organise the hen do for the ones that do want to go. But I'd move it to the uk.

It's YOUR wedding, not theirs. You want people to do stuff, you pay for it.

Saints preserve us from entitled brides

I’d reassess the plans at this point, sounds like everyone got a bit giddy as to what they could commit to and have now realised it’s too much.

That. If it was agreed at a Jubilee party, and the hen is a year away, the bridesmaids have at least realised and let the bride know quickly, that it's not going to work for them. It's not like they've pulled out at the last minute.

You say that you don't have much money, but you're going because you know how much it means to the bride. And therein lies the problem with these events. No-one should be guilted into spending more than their budget allows, to pacify a bride.
Just because those three can afford to go away under normal circumstances, doesn't mean that they can afford THIS trip. Everyone has other things going on in their lives over the next twelve months. And as far as financial and holiday priorities go, this particular hen do will be high priority for some, and low priority for others (who might have other hens to go to, or a big trip planned, or a house move or....well pretty much anything).

They've thought it through, they haven't dithered for a long time, but they've realised that enthusiasm (or guilt) got the better of them at that party, and they really can't do it. They've behaved quite reasonably in my book.

I have turned down numerous hen dos, because its not something I want to waste alot of money on. I always have something to pay out for e.g. school, house, pets, car etc. What about a day of fun activities, with lunch and dinner at the (home based) venue. Look at these options and ask the group if they'd prefer that instead of the expense of going abroad?

Is it too late to plan a more low key hen do in the UK?

I agree it's a bit shit if they said they were happy to go abroad and then changed their minds, but these hen dos abroad cost a huge amount in both money and time and it does mean people inevitably can't go, or stretch themselves financially and then feel resentful about it. Better to do something more low key, closer to home and accessible to everyone.

Six bridesmaids sort of says "bridezilla" to me, and it may be that the bride needs a gentle reminder that as important as this is to her, it is just one of many weddings to everyone else. She might feel more relaxed and enjoy her day more if she dials back her expectations a bit.

If it's a simple night out somewhere in the UK then you may not be unreasonable depending on cost but if it's one of these week away in Marbella expecting them to spend £1000 on you getting married then yes YABU

@gemmalouise36 has the bride read this thread? What is her response?

If I were her, I'd dial it back down and put it down to too many drinks over jubilee weekend. Then ask Hens to organise a local night out with perhaps a sleepover at one of the guests homes for those who are hardcore. I promise it'll be good fun and a memorable way to celebrate the forthcoming wedding.

It is abroad but not until next year giving us a year to pay it off

you want people to go abroad for a holiday that you choose, for a piss up and make them do stuff you want to do

then on top of that you want them to pay for it...😂

go down the pub the night or two before and have a knees up then get married, if you want a piss up abroad then find mates that want to go with you and off you trot - but don't expect people to g that don't want to

Having RTFT it’s a bit shit if they agrees, and then are pulling out. However.. if nobody’s actually paid anything might be worth rescheduling In the U.K.?

The BM’s attitudes would be the clincher for me. Did they acknowledge their role in agreeing initially or just say bye I’m not coming sort it out yourself.

Good grief. I spent a lot of money on my wedding party because I loved them, wanted them to be part of my day and didn't want them to be out of pocket for something I've chosen. No strings attached (nobody asked to be bridesmaid so nothing expected) and all I asked is that they turned up on the day, helped me get ready, take photos, go to the toilet etc.

The economic climate is set to get a lot worse over the next year. Maybe the realises after initially thinking they could afford it that actually with the rise in living costs etc. they can't justify spending money on an abroad trip.

Honestly, this isn't worth people falling out about. If you the bride and the rest of her hens want to go abroad then do that but don't spend the time bitching about the other bridesmaids who can't make it.

(What happened to going for a night out to celebrate getting married when did it all become such a production? Feeling my age I think)

That sounds really annoying if you were the one pushing for something cheaper. But I think given the reality, I'd go back to everyone and say - alright look it's clear we'd have liked to go abroad but it's not going to be practical for half of us. Let's rethink and do a night away in the UK? Can everyone sign up if we do that?

I'm sure the bride would rather have 6 friends in Edinburgh or whatever than three in Madrid.

6 Bridesmaids? Demoted? Oh my! 😂

Perfectly reasonable to not want to go abroad for a hen do. Couldn't think of a bigger waste of money tbh.

@gemmalouise36 Why is it frustrating? Those who want to go will have a great time, those who've declined will stay at home. Everyone is happy. It's only upsetting or angering if the bride has a pre-written script she expects everyone else to follow. In which case she has far more serious problems ahead in the marriage.

Bin the abroad hen do. It’s too much of an ask.

have one in the U.K. see how the bridesmaids fair then.

6 bridesmaids is too much drama. But demoting is more drama. So, you’re screwed either way.

Future brides, take note the less bridesmaids, the less drama.

Sounds like several people have realised that going abroad for a hen-do involves a lot of cash and a lot of ball-ache. They are giving plenty of warning that they can't attend so it's not unreasonable IMO.

Personally I'm really surprised that people still look to have hen parties abroad, it's lovely to celebrate an upcoming wedding but once you factor in all of money, holiday allowance, childcare and general planning required for a trip abroad, not to mention all of the activities whilst there, it must become much less appealing. I think that people are also much more climate-conscious now so jumping on a plane is not something we do as lightly.

@PeekabooAtTheZoo I am not expecting a 'gaggle of pawns to do my bidding' of course.

I do not know the details as my MoH is handling details, I was sympathising with OP that bridesmaids letting you down is frustrating. Being a part of the hen night (as long as it's not ridiculous) is not expecting the world of a bridesmaid.

No need to be so insulting. It's not being 'bridezilla-ey' or childish to expect bridesmaids to be a part of your plans.

Maybe, in the cold light of day, the bridesmaids looked at their finances and their other time commitments then realised a destination hen do was not possible for them. They told the bride in good time and she should accept their decision.

@babyjellyfish IMO the number of bridesmaids etc depends on group dynamics.
I just got engaged. The first in my 5 person close friend group (most of whom are childfree and single). We always go on group trips so a hen do abroad wouldn’t be an imposition, just another trip with a purpose.
They also assumed that they’d be BMs … I didn’t ask, and are more excited about it than I am! 😂

I think that people are sensibly reducing expenditure as the cost of living crisis is about to really bite. Hen nights abroad would be among the first things to go. Can the bride not move to a UK vernue? Possibly just a night away? In the current climate it seems crazy to insist on a trip abroad.

The Bride is BU given that the hen party is abroad. Doesn't matter that you can find funds, nor that they have a year to pay, the deposit itself might be more than they can muster right now. If the Bride wants everyone there, then they need to make it far less difficult for her bridesmaids & rearrange the hen do to a more accessible location, or accept that not everyone will come

Times are hard at the moment so I am not surprised that they cannot come. It will be down to money.

In the past I was a bridesmaid and I just couldn't afford a go away hen party. The bride also did one locally, just drinks on a night out that I could go to.

How much is this hen holiday actually going to cost each individual, OP?

I have to say there is no way on earth that I would dream of inflicting either a destination hen do or wedding on anyone - the financial stress and childcare issues it would cause people, not to mention the time off work, I honestly think it's very self absorbed to expect others to deal with all that. If it negatively impacts those attending then what is the point, it stops being fun and just turns into a massive headache - plus all the extra organising for abroad, omg. No way.

Demoting bridesmaids would be a very, very bad move. The bride has various options, the most obvious being a) go with the people who can make it and have fun or b) rearranging it to something more low key that everyone can afford.

When arranging group outings you need to aim for the least well off’s budget if you want full participation.