Bridesmaid drama's

[gemmalouise36]

I have 6 bridesmaids and have just found out that 3 of them aren’t coming to my hen do, 1 reason is because they don’t drink (but are ok in drinking situations) , 2 because of the money (yet they go away 3/4 times a year and are a blood relative), and the other one hasn’t given a reason but ive known her for 20 odd years, and she is going away for another wedding abroad the following month. Am I ok for being annoyed? Would you demote bridemaids for not being there for you or am I overreacting?

Agree with PP, YABU. It’s a special day to the bride and groom and it’s nice to celebrate but honestly abroad hen dos annoy me. Regardless of how much money I have I wouldn’t be going. It’s hard when your in a group to say no if everyone else is excited / going along with it.
She needs to calm down and not be so dramatic, if they are helping with wedding plans, meeting up they are being present and being good bridesmaids. Forcing them to spend lots of time and money on an abroad hen do then being upset when they don’t want to go and talking about demoting them…bridezilla emotions for sure.

The bride is being unreasonable. She's expecting her friends to take a holiday to celebrate her. Entitled and not ok. Good on them for changing their minds early. Get the bride to scale down her plans.

Utterly ridiculous and entitled thing to say! I bet you're a bundle of entitlement as a person!

When you ask someone to be a bridesmaid it involves standing up next to them at their wedding and helping to get ready. I very much doubt the bride to be ' also said and you'll be committing to giving me 4 days or your AL on top of that and spending £500-1000 on a holiday that's all about me for my Hen Do?!

Hen Dos should be reasonable not outlandish, no one agrees to that when they agree to be a BM for a friend. That's a 'later plan' and her BMs are indicating to her that they can't do that extra request of an abroad Hen holiday

FFS there's a cost of living crisis. Tell the bride to get her head out of her arse and get a real life grip.

Nobody in their right mind would commit to an unnecessary expense they can't afford at the moment.

If they can't afford then arrange something affordable and within the means of everybody.

Maybe she chose 6 as she knew some of them would sack her off.

God, I hate how entitled brides get sometimes. Hen do's abroad and even multiple nights in the UK are a piss take. They are expensive, and you don't get to decide what someone else can or can't afford, regardless of what you think their situation is. People might feel too much pressure to accept plans and not want to speak out for fear of this sort of reaction. If someone says they can't go, accept it. You've no right to be angry about it.
Also, let's please stop treating bridesmaids like unpaid employees. You should be asking people to be a bridesmaid because you want them there with you on the day, and that's all that should be expected of them. Anything else is a bonus but you need to accept nobody cares about your wedding as much as you do.

How much is the hen do?

I have fond memories of my younger days when wedding invitations and hen parties were a regular invitation. Fond, because the hen party was a night out in a restaurant where nobody minded if you just headed on home afterwards and didn't join in the hardcore group who were heading on out to a night club afterwards. For my own hen night, we just did the restaurant thing, then said our goodbyes. I don't have many photos of the night, it was before smartphones. I do have rather lovely memories of it. Nobody got dressed up in costumes or matching teeshirts, but one of my friends made me a rather fabulous and ridiculous veil which I wore with pride all night. I made her an even more outrageous veil a few months later.

It didn't blow anyone's budget for the year, or the month, or possibly even the week.

So, you are dealing with a bunch of women of probably child-bearing and first time house buying age. They have many other priorities. A hen weekend away is going to blow the yearly budget for many of them. It may mean no family holiday that year, or not quite enough money for a house deposit yet, or Because the cost of the hen do paid to the organiser is only the tip of the iceberg. There will be ridiculous instructions, like everyone wear white on the first night, pink on the second night, can you get this sash from Cl@ire's. Fake tan, because you can't wear white without it and you just know that there will be no escaping the shitload of photos that will be on Facebook and Instagram. All stuff that will be going to landfill because you'd never wear it again. There will be a lot of drink to be paid for even if you are sticking to sparkling water yourself. Meals at restaurants, entrance to night clubs, taxis etc. I can think of a million things I'd rather be spending my money on than making someone else's hen week/weekend a social media feast.

And you are dealing with women who may be already pregnant or planning to be pregnant and not wanting to fly, will be in the middle of fertility treatment, or do not have easy access to family help for childcare and their DH works irregular hours.

Why not bring it back to a more simple time and just have a fun night out in a restaurant? Then, see what people are up for afterwards.

Yup, I'm old but I remember what it was like to be young and buying my first house on my own and furnishing it. I had my own set of priorities. Fortunately, a hen night invitation at the time was not something to be dreaded. You'd wear something you already owned and have a lovely meal out, be finished in time to get the bus home if you weren't going clubbing! Happy days. 😄Or, rather, nights! 🌜🎟

Well good on those 3 for having sense not to go along with this abroad nonsense. Being a bridesmaid has become a costly enough affair, and then the cheek to have an abroad hen do! It doesn't matter about it being a year to save, I have much better things to spend my time and money on!! The cheek of the bride pointing out people's financial situation- I have zero sympathy for her being let down. What the hell is wrong with a day or night out in the local area?

I don’t want to upset you more but I do think you just need to enjoy the bridesmaids you have got going and then support the ones who can’t come’s decisions. I am being a bridesmaid in 2 days. I have helped in lots of ways, where I can. The other bridesmaids have done other bits too. There is no contract about what a bridesmaid should do.
You are in danger of losing friends over, what is basically, a massive party/celebration. Personally I’m in it for the long haul with my friends.

Sorry, OP, but I agree with the majority here. What seems like a nice idea in theory can quickly become a worry when faced with the reality of paying and organising time away etc. Add in to that, the increasing worrying news about cost of living crisis without a clear end in sight and I could see how people could start to get very cold feet. Then add covid being on the increase again and, for those concerned about it, this starts to add up to a bad idea.

The things you've listed as the bride paying for are things that I would normally expect the wedding host to pay for.

I wouldn't demote anyone. I'd attempt to bring everyone back togethe by organising something much simpler and more relaxed so that attending a Hen (or not) doesn't become the cause of a massive rift when it doesn't need to be.

I think abroad hens are a big ask and it's unreasonable to demote anyone if they can't or even just don't want to join, whatever their reason. It's not really for you to decide what a good enough reason is. Some people just don't enjoy them.

Personally I'd prefer to use my limited annual leave with my family at a place and time of my choice than with a group of people I don't know particularly well doing hen type activities (and the expense it involves). They're a big financial commitment and for some will be the difference between a family holiday this year or not. Whilst you and the bride might consider it affordable, you can't decide that's it's affordable for others or how they prioritise their annual leave or spending to make it work.

It's disappointing that everyone seemed so excited when it was discussed but it's easy to get caught up with the excitement in a group and difficult to say no. I'm recently married so can understand the bride feels disappointment that it won't be exactly what was envisaged.

I've been a bridesmaid where the bride had various expectations about my time and money and no reason as to why I wasn't available on any given day or time was good enough for her. It ultimately soured the relationship and we no longer speak. These women are obviously special enough to the bride to be her bridesmaids. As a friend or family, I think you need to graciously accept the explanations given without judgement and plan with the numbers you have or do something different where everyone can be involved.

All of this.

Plus, six bridesmaid? Feck off.

Sorry if I've missed this, but has the bride been involved with the planning of her hen do, or has it been the bridesmaids? Did the bride specify it had to be abroad?

When I was BM the bride wanted to be involved in all the planning, but she was also the highest earner out of us all and wanted to book the 'nicest' things within her budget which were way above ours. We stayed in the UK but I had to save my arse off to make my payments and that didn't even include her abroad wedding!

When I got married I asked my bridesmaids to plan the hen do together. So it was more of a group decision than one person leading the way and getting carried away.

I think it's fair enough even if the bride did specify she wanted to go abroad, but in doing so the event became more difficult for everyone to attend and so she has to accept that not everyone will (want) to come.

The cost of living is rocketing, people are worried about paying their heating bills this winter etc. so I can absolutely see why people are backing out of an abroad hen do, not least because these things can ratchet up in cost when you're there. Someone thinks "X will be nice as a treat for the bride", someone else suggests doing Y as a "lovely surprise" and suddenly you're wondering how the hell you're going to pay for it all. In the good times people might sigh and suck it up but now, even if they've got the money, people are being more careful about what they're spending it on.

Ditch the abroad plans and go with something smaller, cheaper and closer to home.

Ok so we're the original plans at the jubilee party agreed to after a few drinks. People can commit to all sorts of good ideas which then look questionable later.

Hen parties are tricky, especially abroad, as they need both time & money. Cost of living is rising and maybe peoples budgets have been reviewed.

Worth a group chat to see what the options are?

Personally I would not go on a hen do abroad. Especially now with the cost of living so high and uncertainty with interest rates. I've never understood why people do this. It should be a stress free fun night out, why on Earth it has to be an expensive trip abroad is beyond me.

I've just turned down one of my closest friend's hen do for this very reason. It's a ridiculous expectation. I did, however, tell her immediately it was mentioned and would never agree and then pull out. However, a lot can change in a year and others might yet withdraw. I'd be having a rethink if I were the bride.

Zero sympathy. There is absolutely no need for 4 days of expensive indulgence abroad. A nice meal or a fun day activity locally would be fine.

I was the only adult bridesmaid for a friend, she wanted an abroad hen do and I didn't want to go as it was £££. I could afford it but not how I'd choose to spend my money. Someone else organised it and I took her out for a separate night out in lieu of the hen do. No drama. No demoting. I think they should have been more upfront though when discussing plans and I'd move it back locally instead.

It's not just the cost of going abroad, it's using precious annual leave too. You and the bride need to accept that people don't want to do this, and either scale it down or happily go without the others.

Committing to something then backing out is a bit shit but hen parties abroad are ridiculous. It’s kind and generous that the bride bought stuff for you all but to expect something back for it is crass. You’re going to the wedding, fulfilling duties on the day and presumably getting the couple a gift. If that’s not enough then the bride needs to have a word with herself.

I’ve been on 2 hen parties abroad (one as bridesmaid) and would never ever suggest one for myself and will never go on one again. I think they’re too big an ask. Both of the brides are lovely people but lived in an altered state of reality when it came to their wedding and the importance of their status of “bride” to the rest of the world.

And good for those non drinkers for putting their foot down. Why should they pay hundreds to go and babysit their paralytically drunk friends abroad

YABU.

Any hen do (or wedding) abroad should have zero expectation of obligatory attendance.

You don't know what is going on in other people's lives and let's face it, the price of every single thing we buy is more expensive now than it was 6 months ago.

I can imagine the 'hen' planning meeting was a blast, everyone super excited, everyone onboard, everyone saying 'oh yes we will definitely come.' Then they get home, look at their calendar, realise they have holidays and 3 other wedding in the next 12 months and 3 other hen dos. They spend a few days / weeks working out 'can I afford to go to all these events?' They look at their bank accounts, scrimp and save but come to the realisation that they can't do everything.

Thank goodness, they've told you now. You can now make a decision to go abroad with the people who can afford it and / or go somewhere local for a nice afternoon tea / meal out or something like that

Why does it have to be so complicated, going abroad involves booking flights, hotels, checking passports are valid, spending money on food, using up leave. If you were having a meal in your local Pizza Express then going to a few pubs more people would go as they only have to spend on what they want.

Scale the plans down. Or have a separate evening meal or similar for people who can’t do/don’t want to go abroad. It’s far too much and I’d never even contemplate asking that of people. They shouldn’t have agreed to it initially, but at least they’ve given plenty of warning.

I think it's the same as with weddings tbh, if you choose to go abroad, you do so with the full knowledge that not everyone will be able to come. It's annoying that they agreed and then backed out but I'm guessing they all realised it was either not doable with the time commitment or financially too much of a stretch.

Making comments about demoting bridesmaids is extremely childish.