Bridesmaid drama's

[gemmalouise36]

I have 6 bridesmaids and have just found out that 3 of them aren’t coming to my hen do, 1 reason is because they don’t drink (but are ok in drinking situations) , 2 because of the money (yet they go away 3/4 times a year and are a blood relative), and the other one hasn’t given a reason but ive known her for 20 odd years, and she is going away for another wedding abroad the following month. Am I ok for being annoyed? Would you demote bridemaids for not being there for you or am I overreacting?

Hen party abroad is way too much.

Everyone probably agreed after a few drinks perhaps or felt like they couldn't say no.

If your friends can’t afford to go, they are being wise in declaring this now. The cost of living is soaring and set to soar further. Who knows what anyone can afford to save or do next year.

YABU

It's definitely unreasonable to have a hen do abroad - costing I would guess getting on for £1000 by the time you factor in flights, hotels, activities and food and drink - and then get arsey if not everyone is willing to fork out for it.

Yes there's a year to save up for it, but people are allowed to have other priorities or things they want to save for that are more important to them or more enjoyable to them than a piss up overseas. Plus they might also have other commitments to use their annual leave on.

Are the bridal party also being expected to pay for two nights accommodation at the wedding venue?

People who have a hen do abroad honestly need to be appreciative that not everyone will go. It’s never about the weather or the culture, it’s just about getting drunk and wearing silly outfits and doing activities you could do anywhere That in itself is fine if everyone involved is keen, but there is always pressure to attend and honestly it’s a huge sum of money for people who aren’t anywhere near as invested in your wedding as you are.

Also agree with previous posters; if it needs to be saved up for or payed off over a year, the bride is definitely being unreasonable. Graciously accept they can’t come, or do something more local that allows for everyone’s budget.

Bride needs to scale back, she's a bride, not a princess.

This ^^

If you're implying that it will take a year to save up for then it sounds too expensive.

And This ^^

I eye roll at hen weekends. All my friends had hen nights where we stayed over their house if not local- that's fun, one night if it's not expensive people can join for the bits (usually the clubbing part) they can afford.

The one hen weekend I went to (trip away to a popular city in U.K.) was appallingly expensive and fun but tiresome in equal parts. Broke the bank at a time which I resented - as costs kept getting added in and there was the "we should chip together to pay for Bride2B" for every frigging meal and event over the weekend .... Never again.

That marriage lasted 3 years... she's about to do it a third time again now bigger and better wedding and hen weekend... very few are up for it this time as most of felt we were taken for mugs last time.

I'd not go to a hen do abroad. Since when was a great night out with friends not enough as a hen do.

If you're all of an age where you are getting married perhaps some of the bridal party are thinking of looking to have babies in the near future. If that was the case it's perfectly sensible not to commit to a hen do abroad in a year's time.

Perhaps it's financial. Everyone is squeezed right now and no one knows how bad it might get.

Perhaps they have other plans for their annual leave.

They shouldn't have agreed to it and then backed out. That wasn't very considerate but at least they've backed out with a year to go. That does give a lot of notice to the bride and perhaps time to reconsider plans.

You might find the amount is easily doable but you have no idea of the financial situations of the others. Given the cost of living increases and fuel cost increases over the last few weeks what was easily affordable last week may not be this week and given the dire forecasts we hear when we turn on the news I can understand why people are anxious not to sign up for a Hen Party next year.

The Bride needs to cop on, demoting the Bridemaids because they are not going to a Hen abroad. Tell her to grow up. Guess what her wedding is not the most important thing in other people's lives.

'She has covered the expense of everything for us bridesmaids, when she asked us she gave us lots of little gifts. The dresses, table place, food, and nights stay before the wedding is all being covered by her.'

It's her wedding she should cover these costs as standard, she didn't need to buy you gifts but that her choice. A hen do abroad is for most people not something they can afford or justify. There's the cost of the flights hotel, food and drink whilst there. Then getting to the airport and back and the holiday they'll need to take from work .

No one batted an eyelid at going abroad

I can guarantee that inwardly they did.

The bride - and you - ABU.

If she wants her hen abroad, then why don't you and the others who are willing to pay go, and then have a night out locally for the reminder. Or she could cut down on her bridesmaids altogether. Anything that involves going abroad for a wedding, and you cannot guarantee that everybody will be willing or able to go. Anyone reasonable knows that.

How would that work when it's abroad then?

So this sounds like a potentially expensive destination hen do.
I think the bride (and you) need to keep in mind that the bridesmaids will have other commitments and things going on in their lives to pay for. You aren't in a position to determine what is reasonable for other people to pay for!

As important as the wedding is to the bride, it is not central to the lives of everyone else. These women will have partners/children/families/other friends who they want to go on holiday with and maybe don't want to blow all their holiday budget and annual leave on this hen do.
Or maybe their electricity bill just arrived and they have realised they can't afford it. Maybe they felt pressured to agree at the time.

The important thing is the wedding and this will come with costs that the bride is expecting them to meet. So long as the bridesmaids are supportive at the wedding, then that should be good enough.

I think the bride has to decide on priorities - does she want a big destination hen do or the company of all her closest friends? Because it's unreasonable to expect both.

Hen dos abroad or absolutely selfish. You can't expect people to attend, it's so expensive, you have to have a valid passport, holiday clothes, spending money for food and drinks, the cost of flights and accommodation. Then there is annual leave and childcare to consider.

The bride would be absolutely out of order of she said anything other than, that's fine I understand.

What does it mean that she ‘covered the table place’ for bridesmaids?

does that mean she is paying for their meal at the wedding..?

Abroad hen dos are tricky for lots of people, the money, the time off work, childcare, leaving partners etc.

I would suggest looking at plan B, and making a compromise so everyone can go, maybe a night away in the UK would be more manageable for them?

Ah, so it's abroad. Hen and stag holidays are as bad as destination weddings. It's totally unreasonable and very entitled to expect other adults to prioritise their finances and annual leave around someone else's wedding.

Close friends who actually want to holiday together pick a location, activities, cost and timings that suit all of them. They don't go on demand just to indulge the ridiculous fantasies of a single person.

People are scared stiff about finances atm.

Hen dos are important to the bride but, in all honesty, can be a bit of a chore to others.

Hen do "activities" can be a total cringe.

How does the bride propose to "demote" her bridesmaids. Call them Assistant Bridesmaids? Rank them in order of importance as they proceed down the aisle. Demote them to Guest- and expect them to turn up?

Of course they agreed when they were all together and put in the spot, nobody will have wanted to seem like the Larry letdown, they might have been embarrassed to say they couldn't afford it etc.
a hell of a lot of people are under a hell of a lot of financial strain at the moment, even if they don't appear to be, it's not something many people like to admit to, especially in friendship groups. Yes, it may be a year away, but if people have zero money to put aside at the end of every month, it may as well be ten years away.

When I've been a bridesmaid, all I've ever had to do was put the frock on and smile. Plus help bride to the loo, sit with great aunt Philomena to stop her flirting with the wait staff etc.

This wedding sounds like a huge commitment. Maybe the other (6!) bridesmaids are starting to feel the pressure.

Its not just the cost. If it’s abroad it sounds like people would need to take leave, make child care arrangements etc. They may want to use their leave, child care favours and their cash for other holidays or events that mean more to them.

Yes it’s crap to change their minds but at least they have done it before any money was paid. There’s often a lot of pressure with hen parties not to be the person who says no.

If I were the bride I’d accept it with good grace and have a night out locally with them. Demoting them is a nuclear option and will likely mean the relationships will never recover

At least they're saying well in advance, the next 6-12 months are going to be hard for most people financially and I'll be honest if it's a choice between a hen abroad or a week abroad with my OH, I'd go with my partner every time.

Depending on your ages you might be in peak wedding season and it's hard to juggle all the different events. I had one year when both me & then DP ran out of annual leave to cover the amount of stags/Hens and weddings we had. We had loads of disposable income then so that wasn't a problem but even then I was pretty much skint by October. The following year we got married and could only go to things that were Saturday - Sunday because otherwise we wouldn't have had leave to go on honeymoon.

Everything you've listed that the bride is paying are exactly what she should pay for, apart from possibly the room overnight. Nobody should be "sacked" from being a bridesmaid because they choose not to go on a hen do. Particularly if it's a trip abroad. Whatever their reasons for choosing not to go.

If someone dropped out after a hen do had been booked and paid for by the organiser but they hadn't reimbursed their share it would be different. But I'm assuming that anyone with any sense would take payment in full before booking anything.

I am in the fortunate position where I could afford a hen do abroad but I don't think they are a good idea because they put people who aren't in that situation in a difficult position.

Other than the gifts everything else the Bride is covering is totally normal.
To be honest I would be self reflecting op. By going to this Hen Party will you kids have to go without somethings, given the soaring costs of everything.

You must be in America?
Here it is 100% standard and expected for the bride to pay for those expenses- dress shoes accessories hair done make up artist rooms in the hotel for the weekends etc etc all covered by bride.