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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask husband that we do seperate washing

198 replies

Cremant31 · 02/06/2022 15:28

I’m cracking under the weight of domestic chores. I am constantly doing washing for me, my husband and our baby.

Despite several polite conversations with my husband, and him agreeing that he will do more, nothing changes. I don’t think he realises the effort that goes into washing drying sorting ironing clothes. Especially his work uniform!

I’ve asked twice before it we can do separate washing (I would do mine and our babies, all towels and bedding, he would simply have to do his own clothes), but he got all sulky and upset.

I’m going to broach it with him again this weekend. FYI I am finishing maternity leave and back to work on Monday.
AIBU to ask that we do separate washing?

OP posts:
Turnthatoff · 02/06/2022 15:29

I’m a firm believer that anyone who wants their clothes ironed, should do it themselves.

WooNoodle · 02/06/2022 15:29

Seems sensible. It's what we do. It annoys me that he doesn't ever seem to do DC's but at least if I do it it gets done.

toastynuttynuts · 02/06/2022 15:30

I think we need more information here.

How are all household chores divided? Does he think that you have to do everything because he's working while you 'get to stay at home with the baby'?

BrightOrion · 02/06/2022 15:30

You absolutely should not be responsible for all of the washing!

He isn't one of your children. If I were you I would just stop washing his work uniform... either he does it or he wears smelly clothes to work?

SunflowerGardens · 02/06/2022 15:30

Don't ask him, just stop washing his. I mean you can throw some in whenever if there's room in the washing machine but don't go out of your way to wash them. And definitely don't iron and put them away.

StripeyDeckchair · 02/06/2022 15:30

Rather than do separate washing this is the time to sit down and split all the household chores.

If you're both working then both of you have to have some of the household responsibilities.

SickAndTiredAgain · 02/06/2022 15:32

What is the general split of household chores?

I probably wouldn't bother splitting the actual washing part, but he can definitely do any ironing himself.

dementedpixie · 02/06/2022 15:33

It would take more time for me to pick out separate clothes as ours are mixed in the washing basket. Washing is the easy bit so maybe just stop with the ironing instead. Its mostly a waste of time anyway.

Only shirts/schoolwear gets ironed in our house (by me) but dh does the majority of the cooking so it balances out

RoyKentsChestHair · 02/06/2022 15:34

I don’t see the point of each washing separate loads, but it wouldn’t be unreasonable to expect him to put a wash on of whichever colour needed doing and of course do his own ironing.

SamphirethePogoingStickerist · 02/06/2022 15:35

You need to tell.him to stop sulking and to take his share of the housework, not just washing.

DH washes his own clothes, will sort mine if he needs to make up a wash. He works away a lot and thinks nothing of passing the hoover, washing dishes, making tea etc when he is home. I am often surprised by a clean and tidy house if he gets home before I do.

Because he isn't a child - although for some reason he won't clean the loo. Has an absolute and utter blind spot for it. But that's fine, he puts spiders out for me without any fuss.

clarrylove · 02/06/2022 15:36

Seems petty to split it up like that. Far better for one person to do the laundry and another person get a separate task. I wouldn't be ironing his clothes though. In fact, we don't iron at all.

SamphirethePogoingStickerist · 02/06/2022 15:37

We have separate wash baskets, his work clothes don't need to be anywhere near 'normal' clothes. It's easy then to sort out loads to go through the machine.

airrrrAIRRRRiELLLL · 02/06/2022 15:38

FFS! Don't separate the washing! Just tell him he does it all.

Triffid1 · 02/06/2022 15:38

Unless it turns out that he does all the cooking, shopping, meal planning and also cleans the bathrooms, vacuums twice weekly etc and the washing is the ONE chore that you are solely responsible for....... YANBU to say you're no longer going to do his washing.

And of COURSE he's sulking and upset - that way, he gets to guilt trip you so that you continue to do it, when you're already overwhelmed and exhausted. \

Tell him he can sulk all he wants, but as the chores are predominantly your responsibility, you need to free up some time for yourself and therefore this is one of the key ways you will do that.

MsMarch · 02/06/2022 15:40

All the comments saying "just tell him to do his share". Did you miss the part where OP said "Despite several polite conversations with my husband, and him agreeing that he will do more, nothing changes."

Of course separate washing is silly as a matter of principle. But if she's been asking for help and is consistently being ignored, then she gets to choose not to do the things that don't impact her - like his washing.

Hugasauras · 02/06/2022 15:41

We just have a communal washing basket that one of us just puts on to wash when it gets full and then we both tend to put the stuff away together as it's much quicker with two. If DH needed an ironed uniform for work though he'd be doing that himself! As it is, we don't wear anything that needs to be ironed so ours is still in the shed from when we moved house 5 years ago Grin

How is the household stuff split generally? We've never had to have a formal discussion about it as we both just do what needs to be done when it needs done, but perhaps some more structure might help? Sweepy app is quite good for assigning daily tasks, if he's someone who doesn't work well on initiative and needs to be told what to do.

Oligodendrocyte · 02/06/2022 15:44

Surely it'll be easier to carry on doing washes with everything together, but he irons his own stuff?

Same1977 · 02/06/2022 15:45

I do all the washing and cleaning in the house Monday to Friday as I'm on maternity and husband is the breadwinner.Saturday and Sunday we split chores .

Really depends of the whole family situation

LuaDipa · 02/06/2022 15:45

He’s not taking on board your suggestions so I would just stop. As pp’s have said if you have room you can kindly include some of his things but do not iron anything of his under any circumstance.

lanthanum · 02/06/2022 15:46

It seems to me that it makes much more sense to pool washing. We only do about one load of whites a week between (three of) us. Ironing's another matter though - so suggest that in future you'll put his washed/dried clothes in a specific place and he'll need to iron/put them away.

Lots of sense in discussing who does what. I do all the washing and ironing, because I don't mind doing it. DH does all the cooking because he enjoys it. I do most of the cleaning because I care more, but DH does the bath when I ask him because it kills my back. He mows the lawn because I have hayfever.

Vague "I'll do more" doesn't work - either allocate specific tasks, or agree on times when you'll both work to get things done (or one does chores while the other does baby's bedtime).

I still envy the person I met whose husband, when she increased her work hours, took on cleaning the bathrooms - and took it really seriously.

Newgirls · 02/06/2022 15:49

be firm - say ‘let’s try it this way from now on…’ and stick to it

you seem to be waiting for his
permission but it’s as much up to you?

GingeryLemons · 02/06/2022 15:50

My partner and I do separate our laundry, but we each have enough clothes to be able to wait until we have a full load before washing so it is perfectly convenient. But I don't think this is just about washing laundry is it OP? Because if my partner said she was cracking under the strain of housework and was just about to return to work off maternity, I would be doing my best to realign household tasks in an equitable way, and ensure she no longer feels so burdened. That's a normal reaction to your partner struggling isn't it? Not a sulk.

TheRoadToRuin · 02/06/2022 15:54

Well splitting the washing isn't very efficient but you need yo split the work.
If you have done it all because you have been at home full time then now is a good time to divide up the jobs.
That is what we did.
Are you going back full time?
Make a list of everything essential including child care drop off (I don't consider ironing essential).
Sit down together and divvy it up.

Ponderingwindow · 02/06/2022 15:54

You wash and iron his clothes???! Unless he is doing some specific equally time consuming and time specific chore for you in exchange, this is completely ridiculous. So I might agree to do all the laundry and ironing if he does all the grocery shopping, dinners, and dishes. OtherwIse, no. Get his and hers laundry hampers and make your life better.

WooNoodle · 02/06/2022 15:56

SamphirethePogoingStickerist · 02/06/2022 15:37

We have separate wash baskets, his work clothes don't need to be anywhere near 'normal' clothes. It's easy then to sort out loads to go through the machine.

Exactly its not hard. Just buy him his own washing basket.