To ask husband that we do seperate washing

[Cremant31]

I’m cracking under the weight of domestic chores. I am constantly doing washing for me, my husband and our baby.

Despite several polite conversations with my husband, and him agreeing that he will do more, nothing changes. I don’t think he realises the effort that goes into washing drying sorting ironing clothes. Especially his work uniform!

I’ve asked twice before it we can do separate washing (I would do mine and our babies, all towels and bedding, he would simply have to do his own clothes), but he got all sulky and upset.

I’m going to broach it with him again this weekend. FYI I am finishing maternity leave and back to work on Monday.
AIBU to ask that we do separate washing?

The poor men who cannae do it themselves, I weep for them.

This can 100% work.
I stopped doing my husbands washing after one holiday we went on 10 ish years ago. He left his clothes in his suitcase for a couple of weeks after we got back and then dumped them all in the washing basket.
I bought him his own laundry bin and put them in there and made it clear it was now up to him to do all his own washing. Which he has done ever since.
We both work, have 3 kids, now adults and share other household chores.

Then her husband won't find it too challenging then will he? 🤷🏼‍♀️

I don’t think splitting the washing is efficient,

Why isn't it efficient? Mr and DH do our own washing and only ever to full loads so I don't understand why that is any less efficient? It's still the same number of loads.....

@jane1956

sorry but get a grip, how do you think your own mother or gran coped when no automatic machines for washing. What about the mothers whose husband worked down the mines? Not difficult now a days to chuck a load in machine, only have to hang it out, lots do not need ironing too.

You know a man can also do all those things despite having a penis, yes?

What a load of outdated sexist rubbish!

Many men used to barely contribute to household chores and childcare responsibilities at all. That doesn't make it right and doesn't mean women should feel obliged to more than their fair share of those things nowadays.

OP is back at work on Monday, do you genuinely think that she should still do more washing than her partner? If so... why?

A vagina can't operate a washing machine. But both sexes can do so with their hands.

It's not about poor men not being able to do it for themselves...it's about the fact it's a bit weird to go out of your way NOT to do something for someone when you're already doing it for yourself. I can't get my head around why you would do that or choose to live like that.

Surely it's swings and roundabouts - I don't believe peoples husbands literally do nothing for them in return. I'll sort the washing (for 7 people ) we share the shopping and cooking, he does the beds, mops the floors, I do the hoovering and tidying. Isn't that what partnership is all about? If that's not happening then you've got bigger issues.

And I'm sorry OP but washing for 2 people and a small child is hardly backbreaking work, that's ridiculous.

It's not about poor men not being able to do it for themselves...it's about the fact it's a bit weird to go out of your way NOT to do something for someone when you're already doing it for yourself. I can't get my head around why you would do that or choose to live like that.

I don't understand this POV.

We do our own washing here - a full load is a full load, whether mixed or one person's at a time.

"Choose to live like that" is a bit hyperbolic. It's just not that big a deal 🤷🏻‍♀️

I'll sort the washing (for 7 people ) we share the shopping and cooking, he does the beds, mops the floors, I do the hoovering and tidying. Isn't that what partnership is all about?

This doesn't sound particularly equal to me if you're doing 7 people's washing on top of equal chores and jobs that take longer like tidying. But if it works for you and your family that's great.

If you both work though, I personally don't get why doing the washing is any more of a woman's job than a man's.

It's not about poor men not being able to do it for themselves...it's about the fact it's a bit weird to go out of your way NOT to do something for someone when you're already doing it for yourself. I can't get my head around why you would do that or choose to live like that.

You mean you can't understand that people do things differently? That they do things that suit them and their family?

It's not weird - it makes perfect sense to us.

We've never mixed our laundry and it works for us.

It depends on how many clothes each person owns and the type of clothes. For me to get a full load of whites, for example, would take me a good while and I’d be running out of things I needed in that colour. With three of us together we get a load more quickly and don’t run out of stuff. Doing the washing is such an easy job, I don’t get why people complain. The folding, ironing and putting away should be done by the people who own the clothes, but it doesn’t make sense to not wash stuff together. Takes two secs to bung a wash on.

The problem is that, as women, we believe these tasks are ours and, as such, we do them and make a rod for our own back in the process.

Washing as a whole household makes sense, why would you separate that out? But cooking, what’s he gunna do when his dinner isn’t on the table? Sort it himself of buy a take away is the answer. What’s he gunna do when his clothes aren’t ironed? Iron them himself of course! You don’t do the shopping, what’s he gunna do? You get the picture…

What we allow is what will become expected and continue. This is what we need to understand as women.

Now, we need to be fair… we need to take into account the load each other carry when we consider this, but, for example. I am the breadwinner, but I actually work less hours. On a Tuesday and Thursday I cook as he is at work til 9. I also tidy up, washing and out washing away as this just makes sense. He feeds the cats, I clean the litter tray… You get the idea!

The other days we share cooking, we do the housework together and I sure as hell don’t iron! I hate it and I am rubbish at it….

After my last relationship where I made a rod for my own back and was not only the main earner, but also the whipping b**ch, I just refuse to carry the lions share… I had the epiphany that what we allow is what will continue so, the moment this relationship began I just didn’t do ‘all of the things’… Now your only way to turn this around is to stop doing things, within reason considering the other parties position too, if he won’t talk about it and compromise.

lovely. Grey washing. Hanging it on the line saves more electricity. Washing two mixed loads doesn't save any electricity over one dark & one white load.

Grey washing? Absolutely not. I use Clorox laundry booster, sometimes Borax, as well as detergent.

I don't wash two mixed loads. I have a large capacity washing machine at my disposal and I fill it every time I do a wash.

When I do a bedding wash - i.e. enough whites to fill the machine - I separate whites from colours. All my towels and all the family bedding is white. So are my curtains, and couch and chair slip covers.

I use the dryer because it runs on gas, gets the clothes dry, and allows me to spend less time on the task of laundry.

We women need to stop assuming that machines which save us time and cut work down to one element instead of three or four must be the worst for the planet and our time isn't important.

If your family has a fridge, a TV, a microwave, dishwasher, electric oven, hairdryer, game console, I can guarantee you are contributing to global warming. If you drive a car, including electric cars, ditto. Some appliances even suck electricity when turned off. Do you ever fly abroad for holidays? Do you wear clothing regularly? Shoes? Do you order meals or grocery shopping deliveries? Every single aspect of life which we take for granted in the developed world depends on exploitation of people and degradation of the environment elsewhere.

What about the other chores?
Who does the meal planning, food shopping, cooking, dishwasher and/or washing up?
Who does the cleaning?

Personally I don't think it makes sense to separate laundry by person. But he can do his own ironing.

It sounds as if it's not just about the laundry, though? If he really does nothing and hasn't changed despite you talking to him about it, I'm afraid you're in LTB territory. If not you'll have to accept it or always be resentful.

I reckon there’s way more to this than just laundry. Sort it now OP before you go back to work or you really will “crack under the weight of domestic chores” coz I reckon you’ll be doing it all plus paid work too. Tenner says you’ll be doing the bulk of the baby work too.

Eve Rodsky’s book Fair Play has saved my sanity and - no word of a lie - probably my marriage. It was recommended on here after I had a similar rant about the sheer fucking horror of the mental load of running a home, working 60 hours a week and being a parent to a dog, two kids, and a man-child.

Mr BillyWilliam is certainly not perfect, but he’s a fuck sight better than he was a year ago.

PS I refused to do any laundry for my ungrateful family for a month once until they cleared the huge pile of clean laundry that they’d not bothered to put away. It did work, but only temporarily, and DS only wore one pair of trousers for a whole summer.

This makes my blood boil even afyer 4yrs without my ex . He was bone idle. Did his own washing because i refused to do it but he did nothing else. I would ask him to cook and he would leave it so late kids would come to me moaning about how hungry they were. So it was easier to cook myself.
It still scars me. I met a wonderful man who never expected anything and I didn't cook or provide him with any food at my house for months. I just couldnt do it. The one time I did cook he was very appreciative. My ex has put me off cohabiting again....ever
Why don't men realise that in long term relationships when you cohabit the absolute best form of foreplay is housework. It would solve so many marital problems

For years I did the washing for my husband (daily work shirts) and 3 boys, wish I'd told DH to do his own

Doing the washing is such an easy job, I don’t get why people complain. The folding, ironing and putting away should be done by the people who own the clothes, but it doesn’t make sense to not wash stuff together. Takes two secs to bung a wash on.

I don't know how it works in your house. Here "bunging a wash on" requires going through 3 laundry baskets sorting into whites, lights, coloureds,darks and delicates checking all the labels except for obvious things like bed sheets.

Pre-treating any stains, undoing shirt buttons, turning things like keans imside out. Then selecting the correct washing cycle and detergent. Then hanging it out (not leaving it the washine too long, I like to hang it within 2 hours of finishing it's spin as follows:

Whites and lights outside, shirts on hangers
Jeans outside
Towels tumble dried
Hoodies and heavy trackie bottoms tumble on low heat until 2/3 dry then dried flat.
Knit wear dried flat inside
Darks and underwear hung up on drier.

Then 6 hours later get things in off , 12 hours later things off drying rack. To complete 2 cycles in 24 hours I need to start by 8.

Yes easy.

@Goodskin46

Jobs are as easy or as hard as you make them. You see to have opted for "hard".

in our house "bunging on a wash" means picking out enough dark (or light) items for a load, sticking stain remover on anything that needs it (and these items are left by the machine so as to be obvious) and then putting everything in the machine. Maximum 2 minutes (including carrying the basket downstairs). Everyone in the house has been trained from about age 7 to turn items washing side out, unfasten buttons, remove things from pockets.

Then when it's done it gets hung outside (summer) or inside (winter). Takes about 10 minutes.
It then gets taken down and folded into piles by owner when dry (another 10 minutes).
Both these jobs habitually happen when doing things like waiting for a kettle to boil.

In total about 2 hours spread over the week in small tasks.

I don't want to devote my week to laundry, so I don't.

Lets break it down

Finding darks or lights- you don't read the labels ? that is minimum of 10 mins

In the machine - yes 2 mins

Hanging out- have you timed it ? I have a 9kg drum I know it takes more than 10 mins to hang out a full load. Ok comprimise and say 15 mins

Getting it in folding - ok 10 (I think closer to 15)

That is minimum 30 minutes a load. 2 hours is significant and only allows 4 loads a week. That's a long run not done, a pilates class missed. Even a film not watched.

YANBU in theory - if he can't be a big grown up boy and share the responsibilities fairly, it's a good way to force him to.

But really... your problem isn't the washing, it's a husband who won't share the responsibilities fairly. Splitting the washing is, I imagine (although I hope I'm wrong!), the tip of the iceberg - and unless you stop doing his share of the rest, you're not winning, you're just sticking a petty-seeming plaster over the problem.

I cannot believe people are still arguing over how long laundry takes. The op said

I’m cracking under the weight of domestic chores

she has a massive lazy sexist husband problem. And people are still telling her the solution is to still do everything but more efficiently. For fuck sake.

Laundry may be easy but that doesn't mean one person should be responsible for doing all of it. Bunging in might be quick, but there is a time saving if there is less laundry to hang up, iron and fold.

I guess the reason people get arsey about doing an 'easy' job like laundry is because they're already doing all the 'easy' jobs in their house.

Hoovering is 'easy'... takes under 5 minutes to hoover a room if it's tidy.
Wiping kitchen surfaces is 'easy' - 2 minute job.
Cleaning the bathroom only takes a few minutes and you can do it while the DC are in the bath.
Shopping is quite easy if you're organised and have a list - especially if you do it online.
Likewise, cooking - lots of good suggestions on here for meals you can make in under 15 minutes or just bung in the slow cooker.
Packing a school backpack is 'easy' - takes a few minutes to rinse water bottle, bung in what DC need, pack a snack and throw together a packed lunch (especially if you've been organised with shopping).

And of course, what could be easier than also doing the job for the other adult in your house? You're already doing laundry... it's no problem to do theirs. You're already cooking... why not cook for them too?

But all these things add up... you find you're spending a few hours a day on them. And you also have to think about them. And eventually you begin to grudge the few extra minutes you could save by turfing your OH's laundry out of the bag and leaving it for them to do or freezing the rest of the food for next week (so you don't have to cook then) rather than saving a portion for them.

Of course it's less efficient - it might take you 25 minutes to iron and fold laundry for everyone as opposed to 20 minutes if you were just doing you and the DC. Whereas your OH has to get the ironing board out, set up everything and it takes them 20 minutes to do their things only. Likewise with cooking... it takes them 20 minutes to cook from scratch whereas it would take no extra time for you to cook for them.

I guess no matter how 'easy' the job and how inefficient it is for two people to do it, you reach a point where you don't care unless your OH is pulling their weight. After all, it's them not you who is gaining from these "efficiency savings". Why make it easy for them if they don't reciprocate? You'll save a few minutes by not doing stuff for them and it's their time that is being wasted, not yours.

OP never returned after first post. Do you think she's suffocated her DH under a large pile of pants?

I imagine OP was hoping for a YANBU, get the lazy arsehole to do his own washing, which is what she should have got. Instead she got a load of stepford wives telling her she just wasn't doing it efficiently enough. FFS.