Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask husband that we do seperate washing

198 replies

Cremant31 · 02/06/2022 15:28

I’m cracking under the weight of domestic chores. I am constantly doing washing for me, my husband and our baby.

Despite several polite conversations with my husband, and him agreeing that he will do more, nothing changes. I don’t think he realises the effort that goes into washing drying sorting ironing clothes. Especially his work uniform!

I’ve asked twice before it we can do separate washing (I would do mine and our babies, all towels and bedding, he would simply have to do his own clothes), but he got all sulky and upset.

I’m going to broach it with him again this weekend. FYI I am finishing maternity leave and back to work on Monday.
AIBU to ask that we do separate washing?

OP posts:
ChocolateHippo · 02/06/2022 21:13

Don't ask, just don't do.

If he wants you to keep doing his laundry, he needs to "buy" your services by taking on another (equal) job in the house and doing it consistently for a fortnight. And if he stops doing it, his laundry is no longer done.

For all those people saying it is counterproductive to split laundry... this assumes that the non-laundry doer is pulling their weight elsewhere.

Personally, I'd put laundry on a par with cooking... by the time you've collected everything, washed, taken out, hung out to dry, brought in, ironed, folded and put away, the other adult in the house should be doing most of the cooking with emptying the dishwasher thrown in for it to be a fair trade.

sylvanian123 · 02/06/2022 22:18

Do you love him?

sylvanian123 · 02/06/2022 22:19

Sorry wrong post!

CornishGem1975 · 02/06/2022 22:24

Washing separately seems an odd choice of hill to die on. How much effort can it really be to do one more persons washing? Unless he's changing clothes 4 times a day. Not saying you should have to but it's not something I could get riled up about and if my DH did the laundry and asked me to wash my own I had think he'd lost the plot.

billy1966 · 02/06/2022 22:26

Ask?

You do realise you have married and had a child with a complete selfish waster.

Life is going to get very tough for you returning to work.

You being the house skivvy is such a bad move.

Keep your job and reach out for support.

12 months from now you will be drowning in resentment because of his selfishness.

Protect yourself OP.

Is this really what you wanted from life?

House skivvy to a lazy man?

Namechange907 · 03/06/2022 01:38

NC

My H does all his own laundry. Due to criticisms years ago, he now does the whole lot himself. I do mine and x3 DD. I wouldn't even get his stuff out of the machine/remind him it's still in there wet/ tell him it's not dried in the dryer and needs to be put on to dry again. Same for him too with mine & DD clothes. He is ignorant to my laundry/needs/ helping me so I am with him.

We also do own meal planning and own cooking. I won't eat his full fat meals he won't eat my low fat meals. We each add our things to the online shop for delivery each week. We have our own food in the larder.
Own cars, he has own bath towels that he never washes and uses to literally dry his arsehole with. Im pushing for own living rooms too but that's a whole other thread !
Sorry to hijack OP, but own laundry def works for us !

timeisnotaline · 03/06/2022 01:55

You don’t have to ask. You say here’s your new washing basket and as of Monday you do your own washing, or if you don’t think the washing should be split as you threw such a sulk last time then you can do it all. Also, you cook dinner Monday and Tuesday, you need to know what you’re cooking by Thursday if the previous week so the food you need goes on the list and every second week you do the shop, baby can go along.

WhereYouLeftIt · 03/06/2022 02:12

Stop asking and start telling.

thenewduchessoflapland · 03/06/2022 02:15

I'm a housewife/Sahp and even I don't do my husband's washing;I'll help out and wash his work clothes if he asks politely and genuinely doesn't have the time and has left it as usual until he has no clean work clothes left before working out he has nothing clean for the next day but I draw the line at washing his underwear;I'm his wife not his mother and he's a fully functioning adult not a child.

Thé way I look at is that I clean the house as myself and my children are responsible for the majority of the mess/dirt;I cook because myself and my children need to eat;I do my laundry /my childrens laundry/thé sheets/towels etc because we use them however if there's something my DH would need to do if he lived alone such as picking up after himself/cleaning the messes he's made/his laundry as otherwise he'd have no clean clothes then that's on him not me,I feel that's fair.

hulahooper2 · 03/06/2022 05:39

I don’t understand the concept of doing separate washing , it’s easily split into whites darks and colours , no point in using extra powder /power , but def get him to do his own ironing. Also don’t understand folk who never iron , apart from sportswear I iron everything

MoodyTwo · 03/06/2022 06:21

Oh I don't iron anything apart from DS shirts.
Wash, Bob in the dryer on on the line and sort into baskets, everyone can then put away their own things and iron what they want (even DS helps with his and he is 5)
I would lost all the household chores and split them if he doesn't like washing he could do dishes and bins ect
I like some household things more than other, and so does my DH so we started there then split all the rest evenly

Snowpaw · 03/06/2022 06:50

I’m not as strict as insisting washing must be completely separately managed, but if I’m doing a wash I will prioritise my clothes / our daughter’s and if there’s space I’ll do whatever of his. DP creates a lot of washing with his work clothes and I will put them in the machine for him as I work from home, as long as he leaves them in a designated place (as opposed to festering in his bag in car!) He’s good with helping out with hanging them out / bringing them in. He will also wash his own work clothes when he’s home and will ask me when the machine is free etc. I feel like I am very much the mental load-bearer of washing / the gate keeper to the machine but he follows instructions well. And he does his own ironing, and mine too if I need anything ironed.

CornishGem1975 · 03/06/2022 06:55

Flipping heck @Namechange907 that sounds like hard work.

Namechange907 · 03/06/2022 08:15

@CornishGem1975 it's not now that we have established a routine. Plus he only washes his clothes about once every 3 weeks. He used to moan that I shrunk his clothes yet all the other clothes in the same wash ie mine and DDs were all OK. Hmmmm. Hence I no longer due his washing or touch any of his clothes. I wouldn't even put the drier on for an extra 10 mins if needed to dry his clothes, that way I cannot be blamed for anything.

timeisnotaline · 03/06/2022 10:53

Dh is the ironer. He can roughly split darks and lights :D. He is quite good about putting a load on and hanging it out, I do do most of the delicates, and get the tough stains out. When first married he ruined a few things throwing them in a general wash and tried to say it was all too hard, I said if he can’t read a label then we needed to get some extra support for his learning disability and gosh replacing these dresses was going to cost us a bit this month, and he grew the fuck up. Those destroyed silk dresses wouldn’t fit me now anyway.

61Spinner · 03/06/2022 13:16

My mother, who was working full time, once announced that laundry not in the appropriate color coded bin (yellow for colored clothes, brown for towels, jeans and the like, and white for undergarments and similar,) would not be washed. Dad, of course, ignored this. He woke up one morning and had no clean underwear. Never made that mistake again. As for ironing, the adult or teen who requires ironed clothes can blessed well get the equipment out and do it themselves.

Mediocrates · 03/06/2022 18:11

I don’t even think it matters that we don’t have much information on how chores are otherwise split; you feel like you’re drowning, and that merits a rethink of how things are split

riceuten · 03/06/2022 18:18

This arrangement works very well with my partner and long may it continue.

Hillary17 · 03/06/2022 18:51

I refused to do my husbands washing about two years ago. Have been in bliss since - he regularly has to buy himself new pants.

Callingallskeletons · 03/06/2022 19:57

I do the bulk of the washing in our house but that’s because frankly I can’t stand the bizarre way DH does it (or that he CONSTANTLY throws in the DC’s school shirts & white vests with bloody darks despite being asked/reminded/threatened not to a million times)

but I don’t iron full stop. For anyone (including myself)

TennisMum75 · 03/06/2022 19:59

I think if you both work, it’s fair to divide the housework. Maybe do his washing but let him iron his own stuff. I’ve decided life is too short for most ironing. All I iron these days are my husbands shirts (I’m a stay at home Mum so it’s fair).

Dominuse · 03/06/2022 19:59

StripeyDeckchair · 02/06/2022 15:30

Rather than do separate washing this is the time to sit down and split all the household chores.

If you're both working then both of you have to have some of the household responsibilities.

List of chores and split them

ilovechocolate07 · 03/06/2022 20:58

I think some people have confused being at home on your own with being at home with a child to look after. Being home with a child is a full time job and chores outside of that need to be split.

Ortega888 · 03/06/2022 21:21

It’s tough because no matter how many times you ask any man to help they simply cannot and will not do a single thing in the house. I would say you need a break and go off for a few weeks and leave him to it. Of course he will soon realise how much you do. I had a ex husband like yours and sadly my son was like that too. My son who’s a grown adult at 21 has now realised he needs to help but omg it’s like pulling teeth. I would get a cleaner in and ask for help from friends and family it’s what I have had to do. It’s so annoying most men will see you collapse from over work and still expect you to do it no matter how many times you ask they just won’t budge. They expect it all as they think we are here to wait on them hand and foot 24/7. Men acting like grown babies and them avoiding responsibility whilst they see you work like a servant. They are selfish and only care about themselves if they had a grain of decency they would not see you put upon and doing everything. So annoying it’s why there’s such a high divorce rate. If there’s no change I would file for divorce. It’s easier being single then he would have to do his own laundry then. Grrrr.

Throughabushbackwards · 03/06/2022 21:28

We sort of do this, and we split other chores evenly too. I wash everything as I'm fussy about temperature and cycle, and I fold and put away mine and the kids' clothes DH's are dumped in a pile on his side of the bed and he folds/irons them and put them away himself.