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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask husband that we do seperate washing

198 replies

Cremant31 · 02/06/2022 15:28

I’m cracking under the weight of domestic chores. I am constantly doing washing for me, my husband and our baby.

Despite several polite conversations with my husband, and him agreeing that he will do more, nothing changes. I don’t think he realises the effort that goes into washing drying sorting ironing clothes. Especially his work uniform!

I’ve asked twice before it we can do separate washing (I would do mine and our babies, all towels and bedding, he would simply have to do his own clothes), but he got all sulky and upset.

I’m going to broach it with him again this weekend. FYI I am finishing maternity leave and back to work on Monday.
AIBU to ask that we do separate washing?

OP posts:
tiedyetie · 02/06/2022 15:58

I've just stopped folding DH's shit up. I wash it, dry it (tumble) and then say , your stuff is in there - I have folded up his fucking boxers for 14 years and I AM SICK OF DOING IT.

Jubileeeeeeee · 02/06/2022 16:01

I started separate washing for the first time a few months ago when my DH retired. We’ve been together 27 years and it’s liberating, I felt I was getting resentful, he was putting so much sport’s stuff in the basket it was pissing me off. We travel a lot and now if he wants to pack his whole wardrobe and then wash it
all when he gets home it’s not a thing.
I didn’t mention that I was starting this new regime, I left it and his washing piled up and then I casually said stick a load of washing on and he did. A few times I nearly cracked and did his as I thought it’s just as easy to stick his clothes in with mine but it isn’t just as easy. I don’t want to be responsible for his clothes drying out in the garden when it rains etc.

youdroppedthis · 02/06/2022 16:03

All day washing, drying, folding, putting away. Cooking, doing bedding, vacuuming, floor cleaning, gardening.

It's a full-time job isn't it.

It depends what you have agreed. If you are both working equally then you need to split chores 50/50.

Otherwise you could ask him if he requires a housewife he should cover the income. He's treating you as a housewife, but it needs to be properly.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 02/06/2022 16:09

Really no point in doing separate washing unless you are also doing separate cooking, only washing up your own stuff, only mowing half the lawn, washing half the car. Chores need to be split equally but that doesn't mean you both do half of everything

myuterusistryingtokillme · 02/06/2022 16:14

Don't ask him, tell him! Say that as you have asked several times previously and he still hasn't started doing his part, that you will no longer be doing his washing

Stravaig · 02/06/2022 16:19

If you do this, then surely each adult does their own plus whatever baby clothes or household items are waiting to be washed. I'd avoid the scenario where Mum does all the linens and kids stuff.

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/06/2022 16:23

I wouldn't request separate laundry.

I'd say, 'right, I'm back to work in two days, we need to completely change all the chores in the house'. Because you do. You need to aim VERY high so that when he inevitable slips, it doesn't leave you with everything. Try to have him do the chores which he REALLY cares about. So he will crack fist. You have to have really firm boundaries and don't give in to sulking, manipulation or learned helplessness.

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 02/06/2022 16:23

I haven't washed DH's clothes for years. I stopped when I was near the end of adoption leave with our first DC, and even though I've since given up work I still don't do his stuff. I leave the washing machine free at the weekends so that he has time to do his.

I had to do a fair bit of being mildly sympathetic but not very interested when it was clear what he actually wanted was for me to step in and sort it out. I also had to stop him from doing my laundry because a) he only did it to be a martyr and 'better person' than me and b) he ruined a lot of my clothes because he didn't read the washing instructions. I needed to use my outdoor voice quite a bit before he got the message about that.

But it was only the first six months or so that was a bit prickly, after that he just got used to it.

ContadoraExplorer · 02/06/2022 16:27

Turnthatoff · 02/06/2022 15:29

I’m a firm believer that anyone who wants their clothes ironed, should do it themselves.

This. We rarely iron, clothes get hung up or folded and if they need it they get done just before wearing by the person wearing them. Most items will straighten themselves out with body heat pretty quickly. Granted I wear jeans to work as my office is pretty casual but even when I wore skirts and dresses they weren't ironed and I don't think I ever looked unpresentable.

Jubileeeeeeee · 02/06/2022 16:28

I had to do a fair bit of being mildly sympathetic but not very interested when it was clear what he actually wanted was for me to step in and sort it out
i had the same situation, there was quite a bit of ‘you’re so good at it, it’s a lot for me to remember, where are my favourite socks, I miss how you used to do it’ etc.

Discovereads · 02/06/2022 16:30

It’s not unreasonable to ask, but I think it’s counterproductive to split one chore like laundry up. It is much more efficient when one person does all the laundry. I’d be asking him to do cooking or take over cleaning the bathrooms or something before splitting a chore in half.

KangarooKenny · 02/06/2022 16:30

He gets sulky and upset when you ask him to do his own washing. Does that mean you do it to appease him ? If so , it’s controlling behaviour.
Just tell him to do his own.

BreakinbadBreakineven · 02/06/2022 16:32

Nope not at all. I stopped doing my now ex DP's washing about 4 months into having a baby, he just did one wash a week for himself at the weekend. I did mine and DD's washing. There is no reason you should wash his clothes.

IRunbecauseILikeCake · 02/06/2022 16:33

I do most of mine and DH's laundry, he does most of the cooking and we share the housework. He always has more laundry than me but I'm happy to do it as i come home from work to a hot meal ready and waiting. I think it all depends on your split of the chores and what he does day to day. If the answer is not much, then absolutely don't do his laundry and let him do his fair share around the house.

AnneElliott · 02/06/2022 16:34

Just stop doing it. He'll then have to ask you why you haven't done his washing- which is difficult even if he's a bit of a git.

I just do my own and DS. If I've got room I'll put some of Hs in there but I don't prioritise it like I used to. As a result he often runs out of pants!!

Babyvenusplant · 02/06/2022 16:35

This has actually made me laugh a bit because I asked dp to do more around the house numerous times and his latest solution was that he would wash/dry his own clothes...

Safe to say that did not go down well with me, my response was why just yours? Why not all the washing? And why not do the dishes while you're there!

museumum · 02/06/2022 16:36

We have separate laundry baskets and whoever is washing their own will add stuff from the others or dcs to make up a full load of whatever type of wash. But no one expects it. Main responsibility for each adults clothes is themselves.

AryaStarkWolf · 02/06/2022 16:36

He "got sulky and upset" when you asked him to wash his own clothes? Don't ask, tell jesus

redskyatnight · 02/06/2022 16:37

Stop ironing. He irons his own if he wants something ironing.
I'm not sure that not washing his clothes will save you more than about 30 minutes a week. So you would be much better off writing down all the chores, including child related things that need doing daily and weekly and agreeing a sensible divide. As you are about to go back to work now seems like a good time to have that conversation. If he doesn't do things that are his job don't do them yourself, simply ignore or point them out if they are things that can't be left.

dudsville · 02/06/2022 16:39

I do mine and the household laundry, OH does his own laundry i do the house cleaning but OH does his bathroom (yes, lucky to have!). He does the garden, and it's stunning, he mashes the jams and icecream from the fruit, but i do the apples!

Babysharkdoodoodood · 02/06/2022 16:41

I tend to take care of the washing; separating colours, hanging out and then hanging up in the living room. We have those door hangers so DH has his side and I have mine. I do my uniform and he does his stuff. He'll occasionally do my shirts as I hate ironing them. He has a lot more than me as I don't bother with dresses and tunics much.

Yours is being an arse.

KangarooKenny · 02/06/2022 16:42

The thing with a partner not doing their chores is that you then have to live in a dirty house or do it yourself.

mathanxiety · 02/06/2022 16:43

"Please sir, can I ask you to do your own washing and ironing? I have a job all day every day and a baby to take care of..."
"What! Outrageous!"
"Okeydokey sir, that's me put firmly back in my place."

An alternative version features the chirping of crickets while his pile of laundry grows ever higher and you sit down with the nice cup of tea you deserve after your long day taking care of someone who actually needs your time and attention.

lifecanbehardattimes · 02/06/2022 16:43

I find it more of a pain to wash things separately. I tried this with my son and whenever I got to the washing machine, his stuff would be sat in there. I therefore prefer to do it all myself. However, I won't do anyone else's ironing!

Vikinga · 02/06/2022 16:46

A penis doesn't stop him from doing housework. Make sure that you share it fairly.