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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be confused as to why I am excluded?

999 replies

yesitssea · 05/02/2022 23:42

My friends 50th.

She was my best pal through uni. And afterwards. We lived together in a flat share too for a few years.

Saw her normally over the past year (2 or 3 times) text her happy birthday last week and she replied really friendly like 'thanks, hope we can meet up soon!'.

I go on Facebook today and her and all of our friends are away celebrating her 50th in a hotel. I am gobsmacked. There are even people there who are more my friends than hers. Our old work colleagues. Our joint friends.

I just can't understand it. It's bizarre. She's must have known about it for months. We caught up before christmas and nothing was mentioned.

She does have a history of occasionally singling one person out and excluding them for a while. She likes to be the organiser of weekends away etc.

Im wondering if it's my turn. She's done it to another of our friends and we all noticed and just purposefully made sure that person was forwarded on the invitation every event that was organised.

Can you help me understand what's gone on here? It's so weird. Am I the pariah this time?

Even my Mum said to me 'oh Kerry's 50th looks fab, why didn't you go?' As she had seen pics on Facebook. So awkward.

OP posts:
Blueuggboots · 05/02/2022 23:44

Ask her?
I hate it when things like that happen. It hurts!!!

Freddiefox · 05/02/2022 23:45

Ask, you have nothing to lose.

Either way your friendship won’t be the same

HollowTalk · 05/02/2022 23:45

Some people to seem to enjoy things better if they have excluded someone else from it. Social media seems to make this even more enjoyable because they know that the excluded person will know all about it at the time it's happening.

She really isn't your friend.

AdoptedBumpkin · 05/02/2022 23:45

She sounds rather mean. Why does she enjoy excluding people?

Theunamedcat · 05/02/2022 23:46

Ouch but quite frankly fuck her if she really is that sort of person why do you bother with her? Honestly

ThinWomansBrain · 05/02/2022 23:47

wow - that's really rude if you've been friends for 30+ years.
I don't blame you for being pissed off.

GrandRapids · 05/02/2022 23:48

I'd block her. Who the hell needs people like that?

Dishwashersaurous · 05/02/2022 23:49

Ask her?

PriamFarrl · 05/02/2022 23:51

That’s really upsetting.
I’d ask her. She’s burnt her bridges. It’s odd that no other friends have mentioned anything to you.

SillyBud · 05/02/2022 23:51

Eugh so sorry, I've being there and it stings and the truth is after this the friendship is never the same again and your memories of it will be tainted. Of course you'll be told here to ask which in theory is logical but in reality is difficult and for some people can be outright impossible to address. And even if you ask, which I did, the truth will not be given.
The hardest things ime about these type of things is the aftershock in that you lose confidence and faith in all of your other relationships and in people in general. That's the lasting damage/scar that stays with you.

LagunaBubbles · 05/02/2022 23:57

You have nothing to lose by asking her. I wouldn't be able to think of her in the same way again though, excluding people deliberately is just nasty.

DiddyHeck · 05/02/2022 23:57

Im wondering if it's my turn. She's done it to another of our friends and we all noticed and just purposefully made sure that person was forwarded on the invitation every event that was organised.

Can you help me understand what's gone on here? It's so weird. Am I the pariah this time?

What's going on here is that you and your friends have let her get away with this appalling behaviour so she's never had to stop it.

What I don't understand is why you all think it's ok?

converseandjeans · 05/02/2022 23:58

That's really upsetting especially as some are more your friends than hers. It's also odd nobody else asked you if you are going.

You've either done something to upset her or she is jealous about something.

It's worse if photos are on social media.

Maybe message someone you know best. There's bound to be. 50th WhatsApp group they used to set it up.

Did you get her a gift?

notsohippychick · 06/02/2022 00:00

Im sorry this has happened to you. How hurtful. However you aren’t going to find the answer here. Confront it. Ask her why. It’s appalling and you need to let her know that.

Viviennemary · 06/02/2022 00:03

I'd exclude her from your life and see how she likes it.

Original poster
yesitssea · 06/02/2022 00:03

Thanks for being sympathetic.

No she does totally have a history of this. It's bizarre. She likes to be the organiser the controller. Sometimes it's something small like pressuring someone to not take a coat or drink when they don't really want to and other times it's larger when she excludes people. I think she's quite unhappy underneath.

One of the last few times we went out she tagged me in a photo and said 'I'm trying to make my friend Sarah jealous' or something like that. So strange.

But I don't think I really care that much to cause an upset. So I may just withdraw quietly.

There have been things over the years that have been like this, and I have often thought of cutting ties.

OP posts:
Original poster
yesitssea · 06/02/2022 00:06

@DiddyHeck

Im wondering if it's my turn. She's done it to another of our friends and we all noticed and just purposefully made sure that person was forwarded on the invitation every event that was organised.

Can you help me understand what's gone on here? It's so weird. Am I the pariah this time?

What's going on here is that you and your friends have let her get away with this appalling behaviour so she's never had to stop it.

What I don't understand is why you all think it's ok?

You are probably right. But she often does it in a way you don't notice.

For example one time she told us that one of our group was having marriage issues and that she needed space.

A lot of the time it's that she's organised the event and will text individually so you don't know who's going.

I agree we've let her get away with it really.

OP posts:
Blueberryflavour · 06/02/2022 00:06

Shame no one, including you, challenged her about it in the past when she excluded other friends. Now she has done it to you I doubt any of the others will challenge her this time either.
It’s easy to understand she’s bitch and you all let her get away with it.

ihateliningup · 06/02/2022 00:10

I can't believe any of you are still friends with her. 30 years of this shit!

OnlyClothes · 06/02/2022 00:10

‘She's done it to another of our friends and we all noticed and just purposefully made sure that person was forwarded on the invitation every event that was organised.’

And yet none of them returned the courtesy to you?

Dishwashersaurous · 06/02/2022 00:11

For closure purposes you need to ask her.

Simply send her a message. HAPPY birthday, hope that you had a great weekend away. Is there a reason that I was excluded?

Original poster
yesitssea · 06/02/2022 00:14

@OnlyClothes

‘She's done it to another of our friends and we all noticed and just purposefully made sure that person was forwarded on the invitation every event that was organised.’

And yet none of them returned the courtesy to you?

No idea. Potential she's said something to them about me?

Or she's organised and booked it and people have not realised I'm not going.

Or they don't care?

OP posts:
EmmaH2022 · 06/02/2022 00:16

@yesitssea

Thanks for being sympathetic.

No she does totally have a history of this. It's bizarre. She likes to be the organiser the controller. Sometimes it's something small like pressuring someone to not take a coat or drink when they don't really want to and other times it's larger when she excludes people. I think she's quite unhappy underneath.

One of the last few times we went out she tagged me in a photo and said 'I'm trying to make my friend Sarah jealous' or something like that. So strange.

But I don't think I really care that much to cause an upset. So I may just withdraw quietly.

There have been things over the years that have been like this, and I have often thought of cutting ties.

This is not a friend, sorry. It's good you're not there, saved money and so on. Just quietly drop her.
OnlyClothes · 06/02/2022 00:18

How weird and unpleasant. Honestly, I’d feel so hurt by this, by everyone involved, that I’d just ask and be prepared to lose the lot of them. But I know very often my response to stuff like this is a bit ‘burn your bridges quick before they do’ so I’m sure there must be some other response I’ve not thought of.

Wafflesnsniffles · 06/02/2022 00:18

I would call her out on it. See what she says.