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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be confused as to why I am excluded?

999 replies

yesitssea · 05/02/2022 23:42

My friends 50th.

She was my best pal through uni. And afterwards. We lived together in a flat share too for a few years.

Saw her normally over the past year (2 or 3 times) text her happy birthday last week and she replied really friendly like 'thanks, hope we can meet up soon!'.

I go on Facebook today and her and all of our friends are away celebrating her 50th in a hotel. I am gobsmacked. There are even people there who are more my friends than hers. Our old work colleagues. Our joint friends.

I just can't understand it. It's bizarre. She's must have known about it for months. We caught up before christmas and nothing was mentioned.

She does have a history of occasionally singling one person out and excluding them for a while. She likes to be the organiser of weekends away etc.

Im wondering if it's my turn. She's done it to another of our friends and we all noticed and just purposefully made sure that person was forwarded on the invitation every event that was organised.

Can you help me understand what's gone on here? It's so weird. Am I the pariah this time?

Even my Mum said to me 'oh Kerry's 50th looks fab, why didn't you go?' As she had seen pics on Facebook. So awkward.

OP posts:
iknowimcoming · 13/02/2022 14:43

I'd be tempted to reply 'dinner sounds great - that way you can explain to me face to face why you deliberately excluded me from your 50th birthday celebrations! What dates are good for you?'

TigerLilyTail · 13/02/2022 15:29

Just say you can't attend because you have a work commitment. Hopefully she will get the message from that!

longtompot · 13/02/2022 16:14

I wouldn't go. Sounds like she just wants to say to the rest of the group she tried to make it up to you whilst making you look like the bad person for not accepting her apology.

dentistattic · 13/02/2022 16:17

I'd just send her the link to this thread!

Theblacksheepandme · 13/02/2022 16:42

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius
@Theblacksheepandmeand@mUserBot9to5t- hank you for your encouragement! I do have support now - dh is great, and I have lovely friends - and I know I am my own worst enemy. As you said,@UserBot9to5, I need to practise self compassion - I did have over a year of CBT, and one of the first things the therapist said to me was how unkind I was, in the way I talked to/about myself.

I am really glad you have found a great partner and friends. That alone is a great accomplishment, after all you have been through. You have a great partner and friends for a reason and that reason is you deserve it.

AcrossthePond55 · 13/02/2022 18:11

@yesitssea

Sorry if it wasn't clear- I didn't actually say 'no'

I haven't actually replied yet.

I want to keep her hanging for a bit then decline.

I think some of the other posters are right when they suggested that she is trying to make it appear that we are all good.

No doubt I'd be tagged in a picture if I did attend. I also think she would be prepared to gaslight me into thinking that I did actually say I was busy.

I don't really know what to say.

I think she's caught some shit for you not being invited and is trying to regain lost ground with the rest of the group.

As far as replying, if she suggested a particular day I'd simply reply that I was busy that day. If she just sent a random "We must have dinner soon" I'd just ignore her.

Her 'double motive' is making herself look good to the group, and barring that, hoping you reply in such a way as to give her ammo to vilify you to them. Don't fall for either.

ESGdance · 13/02/2022 18:22

Her 'double motive' is making herself look good to the group, and barring that, hoping you reply in such a way as to give her ammo to vilify you to them. Don't fall for either.

Agree with this.

For these types their heads are always whirring 24/7 about how to manipulate, get one over on others and get ahead.

Don’t even bother trying to keep up with their dysfunctional antics - it’s exhausting and they are always a few steps ahead.

Just don’t engage and drop the rope.

2DogsOnMySofa · 13/02/2022 18:25

Do you know what she said to the other members of the party as to why you couldn't make it? If she said 'oh she can't make it as she's seeing her family in Timbuktu' you could reply with 'sorry I can't make it, I'm seeing my family in Timbuktu'

mUserBot9to5 · 13/02/2022 20:39

I'd heed that warning to avoid replying ''sorry, I'm busy''. No doubt that would be screenshot and used as proof that you told her you were busy for her 50th.

I'd say ''no thank you, but hope you enjoyed your 50th''. So that she has NOTHING to use against you.

harriethoyle · 13/02/2022 21:24

@iknowimcoming

I'd be tempted to reply 'dinner sounds great - that way you can explain to me face to face why you deliberately excluded me from your 50th birthday celebrations! What dates are good for you?'
This is perfect. Can't be edited in screenshots for her narrative and leaves her in no doubt!
howtoleaveit · 13/02/2022 22:30

I’d love to know what OP has replied

christingle2 · 13/02/2022 22:48

Maybe I’m a bit of a bitch but I would probably give her a taste of her own medicine and ignore her, then meet up with friends for dinner the same week without her

But then again the responses from pp can show that you’re rising above the drama

Original poster
yesitssea · 14/02/2022 16:25

I haven't replied.

It's been 2 days on read.

I'm stuck between saying 'no, thank you' and 'I'm very busy atm and so can't commit to anything'

Not sure I can be arsed with the fall out of 'no, thank you' though.

OP posts:
momtoboys · 14/02/2022 16:26

following

Smallkeys · 14/02/2022 16:27

I like your second one tbh others are all very clever but you don’t want her to know it bothered you !

IntermittentParps · 14/02/2022 16:53

@yesitssea

I haven't replied.

It's been 2 days on read.

I'm stuck between saying 'no, thank you' and 'I'm very busy atm and so can't commit to anything'

Not sure I can be arsed with the fall out of 'no, thank you' though.

There's already been fallout though, no? I'd say 'No thanks' and leave it there.
billy1966 · 14/02/2022 16:54

You don't have to feel forced into any dialogue.

You can simply not reply.
Or just say too busy.

She deliberately lied that you couldn't attend and lied to friends to exclude you.

There is nothing further to be said.

She has made herself very clear.

Be breezy, or simply don't reply.

To anyone who asks, "she's made it very clear that she no longer views me as a friend, nothing more to be said about it".🤷‍♀️

I wouldn't give her the satisfaction of showing even a moments upset.

Focus on spending time with those you like.

Life is simply too short to spend around people whose energy is spent being deliberately unkind to others.

Flowers
ProfessionalWeirdo · 14/02/2022 17:00

@yesitssea

I haven't replied.

It's been 2 days on read.

I'm stuck between saying 'no, thank you' and 'I'm very busy atm and so can't commit to anything'

Not sure I can be arsed with the fall out of 'no, thank you' though.

As others have commented, you need to avoid saying anything that could be screenshotted then edited and used against you. In which case, I'm not sure that your second option is a good idea.

What sort of "fall out" would you expect?

LookItsMeAgain · 14/02/2022 17:05

At this stage, I'd just ignore the conversation. She is.
If (and when) she does decide to reply to your message, she will. Until that time, I'd just drop the rope and not give it another thought. At the moment she is living rent free in your mind and she would love to know that you're still tossing up ideas about further communications with her. She would know that she'd gotten under your skin. Let it roll off you like water off a ducks back!
That's what I would do at this stage.

GildedLily17 · 14/02/2022 17:12

I wouldn’t reply but if you feel you have to say something, I’d go with a very benign “Thanks for your text but that’s not possible at the moment”.

Hopingdb2 · 14/02/2022 17:12

At 50 years old she needs to grow up RE making people jealous on Facebook 😂🤣🤣 don't respond dont react. Just move on dont give the satisfaction. I personally have been pushed out & ignored by a 'friend' recently out of various events even though i would have gone but her big party is coming up and I'm invited oh how kind its only to raise the no of people but I won't be attending. Only to be pushed out again afterwards.

2018SoFarSoGreat · 14/02/2022 18:36

oh but I'd be so tempted to say 'I'm busy, remember? Still busy.'

then block.

VikingLundyMalin · 14/02/2022 18:43

I’d go with - following the exclusion from your 50th I think our friendship has run it’s course.

NoneLeft2 · 14/02/2022 19:06

I wouldn't even grace her with a thanks. Just a No. The old no is a complete sentence would be very appropriate here.

surreygirl1987 · 14/02/2022 19:16

I would just not reply. She'll just try to twist anything you say. People like this feed on drama. Ignoring her will drive her crazy!