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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be confused as to why I am excluded?

999 replies

yesitssea · 05/02/2022 23:42

My friends 50th.

She was my best pal through uni. And afterwards. We lived together in a flat share too for a few years.

Saw her normally over the past year (2 or 3 times) text her happy birthday last week and she replied really friendly like 'thanks, hope we can meet up soon!'.

I go on Facebook today and her and all of our friends are away celebrating her 50th in a hotel. I am gobsmacked. There are even people there who are more my friends than hers. Our old work colleagues. Our joint friends.

I just can't understand it. It's bizarre. She's must have known about it for months. We caught up before christmas and nothing was mentioned.

She does have a history of occasionally singling one person out and excluding them for a while. She likes to be the organiser of weekends away etc.

Im wondering if it's my turn. She's done it to another of our friends and we all noticed and just purposefully made sure that person was forwarded on the invitation every event that was organised.

Can you help me understand what's gone on here? It's so weird. Am I the pariah this time?

Even my Mum said to me 'oh Kerry's 50th looks fab, why didn't you go?' As she had seen pics on Facebook. So awkward.

OP posts:
JustKittenAround · 06/02/2022 04:56

@ThumbWitchesAbroad is right on!

Don’t feed the beast. The more you try to do anything the more it becomes a “thing.”

It hurts. You also don’t know what was said about you.

Any actual friend would talk to you. They’d protect you as you would them.

Go dark. Don’t reach out. Go out with those who aren’t totally insane.

Laugh to yourself that she’s acting like her 50th is her sweet 16…. Sad

cocktailclub · 06/02/2022 05:04

Yep. She's not a friend. Cut ties. Don't confront her just block her and get on with life. Fifty is too old for this shit, this is playground behaviour.

SNUG2022 · 06/02/2022 05:06

I was left out of a party and had to message her to ask as it felt bizarre and hurtful.

SNUG2022 · 06/02/2022 05:06

I needed the closure.

Stopsnowing · 06/02/2022 05:06

I had this years ago. Was good friends with someone and his wife. Had been invited to their wedding and milestone birthday etc and saw them reguarly at social events. They were leaving town. I invited them over fir tea to say goodbye. I found out later they had hosted a goodbye party. I messaged him to say I hoped he had a good time. As another friend predicted he replied straight away but I can’t remember now what he said. If they had a problem with me I don’t understand why they came to tea!

AlternativePerspective · 06/02/2022 05:12

Tbh I never understand why if a person knows someone has form for this kind of behaviour, they somehow think the person won’t do it to them.

She has form. It was only a matter of time.

Spookytooth · 06/02/2022 05:13

You missed a birthday party for an insecure psycho-bitch - no great loss really.

Bladesofgreen · 06/02/2022 05:18

@HollowTalk

Some people to seem to enjoy things better if they have excluded someone else from it. Social media seems to make this even more enjoyable because they know that the excluded person will know all about it at the time it's happening.

She really isn't your friend.

This, I’ve found this too. With the same type of person. You have to wonder what type of person they really are.
Sagealicious · 06/02/2022 05:27

Take it from those of us who've experienced toxic friendships, it really is best to walk away.

NeverChange · 06/02/2022 05:39

Do nothing. People like her thrive on drama and it's all about the reaction for her. Don't give her one.

I wrongly suspect he life is very empty so she has to create these dramas to give herself purpose, validation, something to take about, a sense of importance etc. Pathetic really but not your problem.

The lack of attention will drobe her crazy and she will reach out eventually. Just ignore it then too.

usrbingrl · 06/02/2022 05:51

agree with @NoSquirrels @ThumbWitchesAbroad @JustKittenAround - go quiet and go dark. having been on the receiving end of similar treatment going completely silent and grey rock when contacted worked for me. she has excluded you to engineer more drama in her empty life.

BacardiOnATuesday · 06/02/2022 06:01

Say nothing. Asking why won’t bring you closure. There’s every chance she wouldn’t respond or would come up with a ‘reason’ that’s not real. Take back control and say nothing. Mute her on social media. Invest in other people and interests.

whysonasty · 06/02/2022 06:01

This is the sort of post I could have written when I was 15, OP. Your friend is like a high school mean girl with her silly little games. Only she's not a teenager, she's bloody 50.

What are her redeeming qualities? She must throw a great party or something for people to continue to give her airspace if she has form for doing this. Either way, it's very unkind and extremely childish. At least you know it's not you, but I'd rethink giving the woman any more energy. Reserve it for real friends who don't play games.

AllyBama · 06/02/2022 06:10

Mute her socials? Well that’ll show her won’t it Hmm
Yes, it is ‘your turn’ it would seem and it this bully is just going to do it again to the next person because your social circle seems to tolerate this childish behaviour for some reason?

Unfriend and block. She’s no friend of yours. Who actually treats people this way, are you still in high school?

fluffythedragonslayer · 06/02/2022 06:12

I don't understand why none of you have confronted her over the years? She sounds awful, but if you are noticing she is deliberately leaving people out why has no one asked her about it?

This seems completely bizarre! I don't know why you are all still friends after this long when you know exactly who she is...

TurkeyRoastvBubbleandSqueek · 06/02/2022 06:31

@ihateliningup

I can't believe any of you are still friends with her. 30 years of this shit!
^ THIS ^

I was just about to ask the OP why any of them (including the OP) were still friends with this person from their uni days!

Spookytooth · 06/02/2022 06:45

I can't believe any of you are still friends with her. 30 years of this shit!

I think you said she was single. Do some of you feel sorry for her and have put up with her 'idiosyncrasies' because of this. Does she feel you are all more fortunate than her and this is punishment or does she realise some of you feel sorry for her and again this is her getting her own back?

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 06/02/2022 06:47

Definitely mute/block.

And stop giving her any headspace.

LondonGirl83 · 06/02/2022 06:48

Is there even the remotest chance she invited you and you didn’t get the message. A really good friend of mine for some reason kept trying to reach me via a secondary email address I never checked and thought I was ignoring her and got really hurt!

It was nothing of the sort and we are fine now and have been on holiday together etc. In the very off chance that there could be a misunderstanding I wouldn’t cut her off.

I wouldn’t respond to the drama it’s likely she’s trying to create but instead if she does get in touch just talk about it casually.

If it was designed to wind you up then just walk away quietly from the friendship.

UnsuitableHat · 06/02/2022 06:53

How weird, especially the fact that she has form for this sort of thing. I’d have said otherwise that maybe the friendship has drifted a bit over the years, but it sounds as though she does have some kind of odd need to control. Unless you’ll desperately miss her, I think your plan to quietly withdraw is the best one.

ddl1 · 06/02/2022 06:53

If it was the only time this had happened, I'd think it was due to some mistake in sending the information: she thought she'd sent an e-mail/text when she hadn't, or the technology didn't work for some reason. But it seems that she enjoys leaving individuals out and making them upset or jealous. More the sort of behaviour you'd expect at 15 than 50. I think it's most likely that she organized it and that the other friends simply don't know who was or wasn't invited, so I wouldn't worry about them, unless they too have form for ganging up and playing teenage spiteful games. But I would cut ties with this woman. If she hasn't changed by 50, she never will.

Whatisthepointinthis · 06/02/2022 06:55

I feel for you, it has happened to me a few times in the past too and it’s hurtful and makes you question yourself. It has also happened to my dd too which was awful.

I have no meaningful advice. I would love to hear from people who have done this and understand genuine reasons why. I fear if you ask you won’t hear the truth.

It seems fairly common, in which case it would imply that some people on here have done it too. Would genuinely love to know the reasons because believe me it makes you evaluate and question every inch of your personality and actions to try and come up with the answer.

twominutesmore · 06/02/2022 07:10

I'd ask one of your mutual friends if they know why you weren't invited, one of the people you say are more your friends than hers.

If they can't shed any light on it id ask her.

I wouldn't give her the satisfaction of letting her know that it upset you, but you can ask the question.

If you haven't done anything wrong in recent months - organised something without her, bitched about her to the wrong person - then it's very odd behaviour indeed.

Lampshading · 06/02/2022 07:12

As has been said, as no one has pulled her up previously when it's been someone else she has excluded, that's why no one has bothered telling you etc. Perhaps it's a power thing for her, who knows, sadly if you cut ties and she's embedded herself as the planner, the sheep will likely continue to follow her and you might find yourself alienated from the others. She has been enabled to act like this by you all.

Lampzade · 06/02/2022 07:20

@yesitssea

Thanks for being sympathetic.

No she does totally have a history of this. It's bizarre. She likes to be the organiser the controller. Sometimes it's something small like pressuring someone to not take a coat or drink when they don't really want to and other times it's larger when she excludes people. I think she's quite unhappy underneath.

One of the last few times we went out she tagged me in a photo and said 'I'm trying to make my friend Sarah jealous' or something like that. So strange.

But I don't think I really care that much to cause an upset. So I may just withdraw quietly.

There have been things over the years that have been like this, and I have often thought of cutting ties.

The exclusion wasn’t accidental judging by her previous behaviour. Ignore and move on. Don’t ask her, that is exactly what she wants you to do In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if she contacts you after realising that you haven’t bothered to contact her about the party.